She Who Cast the First Stone
I've been struggling with this post for awhile. I write something, I erase. I get to where I think it's complete, worthy of the Publish button. Then I have second thoughts and start revising. Writing this post has been painful and healing, forcing me to really see the person I wish to be.
My New Year's resolution was to give up grudges against people whom I feel have wronged me. Admitting that this is a big enough problem for me that I needed to make a resolution about it, is not something that makes me proud. This is a major flaw in my character and I really am trying to overcome it.
Generally, I'm a really nice person. In new social situations, I think people see me as someone who is quiet and shy. It takes me time to warm up, relax, and feel comfortable around new people. When I do make friends with someone, I expect a lot from them. If I need help, companionship, or loyalty, I want them to provide.
I can't always say that I give as much as I expect. It shames me to actually type this and admit that I don't always meet my own requirements. I don't call people as much as I should. I don't offer help as often as I should.
There have been friends who in the past have broken one of my arbitrary friendship rules. Maybe they didn't come through for me when I felt it was needed. Maybe they made me feel left out. What happened in most cases was that I expected something from them and when I didn't get it, they landed in my personal penalty box.
I chose to give up grudges as my New Year's resolution because this is not the person I want to be. Do I want to teach my children to be petty? Do I want to them to see that forgiveness is a "weakness"? No. No. No. I want my children to have the ability to look past the minor indiscretions that occur between friends. I don't want my children to be petty like me.
The loss of a friend or the intense anger I've felt towards them has eaten away at me for years. I've allowed this to happen. I made the decision to stay angry after being hurt. Anger was something that I controlled. The hurt was something they imposed upon me. I can't live a complete, full, and happy life if I continue to let this festering anger fill me.
Although I have no way of knowing, I suspect most of the people who have been on my grudge list have no idea they were even there. It's been hard to let go of the hurt that I feel they caused, but it has also been very freeing. I continually remind myself that the anger needs to go. It's a decision I make every time I feel the anger and hurt swell inside of me. No longer am I going to live in the past, angry with anyone who couldn't live up to my expectations. I'm living for now and looking towards the future.
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I have trouble with this, too. Especially late at night when I should be sleeping, but instead my brain presents me with a slideshow of Everyone Who Ever Behaved Badly To Me. Nice. If I had a little switch I could switch off, I'd do it. Haven't yet found the switch.
Oh my I can relate to this. I like to think of myself as a very forgiving person, but there are a few people that I would not give a kideny too even if they were on life support.
Ouch, that hurts to admit.
Uh, I meant kidney. But I wouldnt give them my kideny either.
Great post Jen! And probably a flaw most people need to work on in some way or another. I know I should work on it with the Devil Wears Sag Harbor. I really don't like her having the power to make me angry, yk.
Good for you. This is the first step in healing. Change like this never comes easy and it takes a long time to do. You will also find that some things you may not be able to let go of ( I have issues with my ex husband)...but as long as you keep trying you are good.
This is a noble cause, never give it up. It is to the betterment of yourself and your children.
Good luck.
I hold a mEaN grudge...So does my daughter...
I know this will be hard but so worth it for your well being.
I think that to an extent we all have this problem. For the most part I let things roll like water off a ducks back. I normally can't hold a grudge for more than an hour but like Michele, there are a few people that I would (pull the plug on) not give a kidney if they were on life support.
I wish you the best of luck with this. There are many things about myself I wish I would have changed before my kids were old enough to learn from them. Now I have to do the old "Do as I say, not as I do" thing and I hated hearing that when I was young.
What a great resolution. I think this is one of the hardest, but most wortwhile, things to do. Kudos to you!
It's SOOOO not easy to do, but kudos to you for recognizing a problem and doing something to fix it.
I tend to forgive but I NEVER forget. This was an awesome post!
Great post! I think you're absolutely right, and that we all need to let go of (at least) some of our grudges. I've noticed it really takes to much energy to stay mad at somebody for something dumb, and I definitely have better things to do with the little bit of energy I have!
You need to let go of ALL your grudges! How do you expect forgiveness from someone else YOU'VE wronged when you can't find it in yourself to forgive someone else? Think about it.
Here's another "Me too" - I hate it, though, that they never even know they were on "the list".
And again, with the judgments of *commenters*... this is a therapeutic posting - geez. Cut her some slack?
yer welcome :)
Great post. I think it's something a lot of people can relate to... I know I do. My father is the expert of holding onto a grudge, and I get a little of that (ok, maybe a lot) from him. My mother on the other hand is always willing to give someone another chance. I try channel a little of her positive influence whenever I'm feeling some "cutting of friend ties". Good luck to you on this resolution... I know it's a hard habit to break!
I held a grudge for five years -- only to find out when we made up that it was based on a misunderstanding.
Wow! So you have a nasty side, eh?
Glad to hear you have made a conscious decision to move pass this, and be a bigger person. I know it isn't easy.
I know exactly where you're coming from. All of it. But you are much more far along than I in the forgiveness department. I bow to your grown-up-ness.
wow, that was a brave post! I agree, it is the first step. we all somewhat feel badly when we are wronged by people. best wishes! :)
Thanks everybody (well, almost everybody :)) for your support on this post. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has these issues.
As far as letting go, it feels so much better than hanging onto petty anger.
My sister and I haven't spoken in nearly three years. I'll make up with her when she gets off her high horse, apologizes and admits she was wrong. See? I'm not a grudge holder at all ;)
Good luck with your very admirable resolution!
I may have been on that grudge list a time or two (some crappy things I did come to mind) but I hope that the fact you still talk to me means something ... and I hope you find me to be a much nicer person now that I'm, for the most part, free of my topsy-turvy home life.
Thanks again for sharing your blog with me, Ashley
PS You're getting SO close ... May's just around the corner!!!
Great post! I should probably do the same but holding a grudge and letting it fester can be so much fun!
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