Amateur Night...
...The post formerly known as Holy Bleeding Nipples, Batman. I figured an entire post devoted to my nipples (now referred to as "the bleeding fissures") was unnecessary.
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I told someone yesterday that this venture into parenthood for the second time was somewhat easier and not as scary.
I was not trying to lie or mislead. But it's not easier. And it's still scary as hell.
I've done all this newborn business before, so why do I feel like such an amateur?
Breastfeeding has been much more of a challenge this time. Never before had my nipples bled. Never before did I fully understand why many, many women decide to switch to formula.
I feel like I should be an expert at breastfeeding. Peanut breastfed for 13 months, so it's only been five months since I last breastfed. I thought I knew what I was doing. All of your advice and encouragement have certainly helped me realize I'm not the only one who has suffered through these beginning days of breastfeeding.
I find myself pulling out my parenting books to see if Reshel's eating, sleeping, and pooping habits are normal. Although I learned from Peanut that parenting books are mostly pages full of facts that make me question every decision I make, it is somehow comforting to read what is normal.
How do I not remember the amount of poop newborns produce? Or how much they sleep? Or how their eyes goes in two different directions?
I check on her constantly to make sure she's still breathing.
When Reshel cries and isn't easily soothed, I feel an unbelievable fear that it's the beginning of colic. I question each bite of food I've eaten. Did I have too much dairy. Too much tomato sauce? What if I didn't burp her enough?
I thought I'd feel more confident.
My confidence is definitely lacking when it comes to parenting TWO.
I haven't figured out yet how to deal with both of them when they are crying for me. Although I'm exhausted, I try to make time for playing with Peanut when Reshel is sleeping. Peanut has been nothing but the sweetest boy to his baby sister, but he is still having a hard time adjusting.
I knew he'd have a hard time adjusting, but I wish I knew how to make it better. I wish that he didn't feel so insecure every time Tate or I leave a room. I wish Peanut didn't feel abandoned.
It has also been challenging dealing with so many people (with and without children) who question our decision to have babies 18 months apart. Seriously people, it's not nice to question an extremely hormonal, sleep deprived, overachieving new Mother. It's just cruel.
In several months, I hope to look back at this post and see how far we've come. But right now, I feel like I'm on stage for Amateur Night. I've forgotten my lines. I'm completely unprepared. And everyone is staring at me.
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46 People are even more brilliant:
For me, this entry hits the nail on the head on why having twins is difficult. People assume when you have two babies (twin boys in my case) they will be so similar and have similar needs at the same time. They think you do everything twice.
I've tried to write about the incorrectness of that assumption - no two babies are alike. Whether you have them at the same time or whether you have them as singletons, each baby is a new little person to get to know.
It's shocking all the things that can be different between babies - breastfeeding, crying, soothing.
Dealing with two sweetpeas who NEED ME at the same time has been the hardest part of this challenge. Learning to let one of them cry because I can only do so much was the hardest lesson for me to learn because I wanted to be able to be everything to my babies.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this feeling. No one is staring at you, we're all rooting for you.
Thank you laurac. It's nice to be rooted for. It's also nice to know I'm not the only one.
We have six and five year old nephews that are just under 18 months apart. Although a lot of tag-teaming took place in the beginning, they have been great playmates throughout the years. Think of all of the great experiences that they will have throughout their lives together and still be able to relate to each other. My sister was 10 years older than me. She moved out for college when I was in the second grade. We have never been very close.
I'm sure that everything will settle in its place with time and I know that you're doing a great job with her!
Hugs Jen! I'm about 3.5 months in to the whole 2 kiddos, 18 mos. apart gig. I have had every feeling of insecurity, fear and helplessness you've expressed. It sucks!
And just when I think I'm going to completely lose it, when both of the kids are going crazy and I just want to scream, Googie will look at Soupy and say "Brudder!" with such delight all the tension melts away.
I get little glimpses of those "moments" everyone swears will come... the best friend/great playmates moments. And I feel better.
I still check Soupy to make sure he's breathing. I worry he's not reaching his developmental milestones on time, even though I know the lists are just "guidelines".
Here's another hug for you. I'm there with ya, woman! We can "suffer" together! LOL
My kids are almost exactly 2 years apart and we've gone through pretty much the same thing. It's hard. And you question everything you do, especially if things are different than the first time, panic sets in and you think you don't know what you're doing. It takes a little while to calm down and start to realise, and appreciate you children as two different babies, different reactions, different needs - not better, or worse, just different :)
Good luck - and rope some of those people commenting on how close your kids are, into helping so you can grab some sleep ;)
ohhhh, trust me, I've been there - hell, I'm still there some days. Have you read my entry from the other day about my daughter? What I didn't mention was the whole time, I had the baby on my lap, while trying to ascertain if my daughter was dying in front of my eyes. it was *horrendous*.
But yeah - then, on those days when the three of them are cuddling up next to each other, my heart melts and I realize that I must be doing *Something* right if they obviously love each other that much.
Having kids - I don't think the age thing matters much - is a tricky, tricky business - these first few weeks SUCK.
I thought I knew what I was doing too - but yep, they're all different, the little buggers. I think it's nature's way of saying "See what happens when you do the nasty?!?!" :)
You'll get through this - I suggest lots of lansinoh for the nips but hell, I didn't even use it much - I just let them air dry, and that seems to have made the biggest difference.
look me up on googletalk if you need to talk/scream/etc. :) ladycalliah@gmail.com
Hugs,
Dawn
I don't have any pearls of wisdom that I have learned as I only have one child...but I will give you the thing I always reminded myself when I questioned myself in the beginning...women have done it before me and women will do it after m...if they can do it so can I!
I will say that if someone questions you on your family choices tell them to keep their noses on their face and mind their own business. First off it is none of their business (even if they are family that doesn't give them the right to meddle) and second is it too late to change it anyway so no reason to dwell on if it was a right or wrong choice. I find it funny and sad that everyone seems to think they know what is best for your reproductive choices.
If they use the "just trying to help" or whatever reason...tell them if they really want to help cook dinner for you and wash your clothes for you so you don't run out of clean underwear.
I totally felt like I was starting from scratch with kid number two. Just when you think you're starting to have a handle on things, you're back to infant poop and nursing and tiny little diapers. Plus a "big kid" who doesn't understand why the baby just lies around all the time and sleeps. How not-fun is that? Where's the real baby sister they were promised?
I can't guarantee anything, but for me the payoff came once the little one was old enough to play with the big one, now they are inseperable and it's awesome. I wish you all the best.
You are doing just fine...I can tell by this post. It is the post of a new mother. Yes she is your second, and you already are a mother...but she is a new little life that you are trying to figure out. She is not peanut. It was different with him and it will be different with her..>Harder even because you won't abandon Peanut. And that's two little lives to nurture...
You will be fine. You are a fantastic mamma and you will figure out this new little girl. Takes time. Takes energy. Takes love...you got it all...
Hugs.
You will get through this rough period. Here I am almost 7 months into life as a mom of two, and things are better every day. It is amazing how much you forget from having your first, though.
It's no one's business to question your decision. Don't they know they're playing with fire?
Oh, and the people who say that having 2 is just a little bit more work than having just one?
They are on crack.
I can't say I know how you feel from personal experience... but my niece and nephew are just 19 months apart. My sister-in-law felt exactly the same way in the beginning. I am sure in a couple weeks everything will drop into place and you'll feel like a pro again!
Oh... and breastfeeding for me... felt like hell for just about 6 weeks. The only thing that got me through were those little gel self-stick breast pad things. They felt like a little bit of heaven.
http://www.soothies.com/gelpads.html
Breastfeeding for # 2 was way harder. She was restless on the breast the whole time! :-) I wouldn't put eClaire down for months. My husband was like, "Um, hello! You didn't do this with BC,"
True. But you make it up as you go along. Each kid is so different. :-)
Oh man Jen. You're scaring me! Our peanut just turned one and we plan to start trying for #2 (so they could be 18 months apart!), and I keep thinking of all the ways it will be better the second time around because I'll know so much more and I'll feel confident and I won't make the same mistakes twice. Thanks for bringing me down a notch! It's actually great to hear the truth so I can lower my expectations. Just hang in there. And keep the Lansinoh and tissues close at hand. (I must be freakishly hormonal right now because I'm feeling nostalgic about bleeding nipples and the newborn stage.) Seriously--keep posting how it really is. I NEED this!
You are not alone. I felt the same way. I cried every time I sang "You are my sunshine" to the baby because that was "his brother's song." I cried every time I read to the baby because I thought his brother would feel like that was "his" too. I cried because it had been so long since the oldest had fit in my lap without my huge belly and now that I had room to hold him, HE was the one that felt almost too big. I also cried because that's all the baby did... EVER... he did not sleep.... EVER. Believe me, it does get better. Back then I envied people whose children were 2-3 years apart and who could send the oldest to Preschool while they were home with the baby. I thought I had done a horrible thing to the big brother by having a baby while he was still a baby. But now, my boys ADORE each other more than any of those farther apart siblings. They are the best of friends and all that hardship of juggling is now worth it. I can actually let them play ALONE (what a concept) while I get all those things done that I couldn't do before and have piled up over the years- who woulda thunk? Now I feel like I did the best thing for them and I wouldn't have it any other way. Other people told me this and I did not believe them whatsoever and the light at the end of the tunnel was not even visible. Just hang in there, it will get not just better but GREAT! If you ever have questions or need anything- just type me!
No words of wisdom--just wanted to say hang in there; and congratulations on your beautiful little girl.
I thought I'd be an expert too...but no-- if anything I was worse off because I had forgotten everything AND this time I didn't read any baby books.
Boobs still hurt the second time but not as bad.
The most daunting of all?? Going out into the "Real" world with TWO kids in Tow! One-- that is an absolute maniac and has to go to the bathroom IMMEDIATELY once she feels the urge (or accidents ensue) and the other a helpless newborn that likes to leak pee and poo out the side of the diaper...
Well...I'm still alive. So hang in there girlfriend!
I totally promise you that it will get easier. It varies from mother to mother, but everyone I know says it's impossible at the beginning (I remember thinking, like a mantra, "This can't be done. This can't be done. This can't be done."), but then after a month or so it seems like, "Hey, is this getting a little easier?" and then every month or so after that it is for sure easier.
I wasn't able to BF #1 but I did stick it out with #2. It was so hard. I am thankful that I did, but I almost quit so many times. Why is something that is supposed to be so natural - so friggin hard?
The transition from one to two was very difficult for me also.
Hang in there hon. It's only been a week. It will get easier, I promise. I think every mom checks to make sure the baby is still breathing regardless of how many they have. We just do.
Peanut will be ok too. It's a big adjustment for everyone and he has great parents to help it along! Soon you'll be able to nurse the baby, get up without her unlatching, pour Peanut a sippy cup, put in a Blues Clues dvd, all the while baby is still nursing and you can sit down and let her finish. You'll get there! If I did, you will too.
What a good mom you are - hang in there! I think all of us feel that way with each new baby - they are new to us, and we forget so quickly those hazy early days of having an infant. Hope you get some good sleep tonight, and hope the nips feel better - I have been there, too.
I'm thinking of you and hoping it gets easier.
It WILL get better. Promise! I was just there a few weeks ago. If an idiot like me can get over it, so can you!
You're a WONDERFUL mom! My brother and I are 2 years apart and we were so close and still are- and I know lots of kids 13 months to 2 years apart who are really close. What a gift for your babies!!!! Remember sleep deprivation makes everything seem worse than it is... it'll all look better after you get 4 hours of sleep in a row!
Oh, Jennifer, I wish I could run over there and give you a hug. I know I needed one when I was going through the EXACT same thing. When Logan was born (5 weeks early!) Zander was only 13 months old. That was bad enough.
I thought I would know what I was doing, and be so confident with baby #2. Nuh-uh! Bringing a preemie home to a house with a 13 month-old was the scariest thing I've ever done.
And the breastfeeding thing...I'm right there with ya! I had a LOT of problems breastfeeding Zander, (cracked, bleeding nipples, latch problems, he would fall asleep, I had a low milk supply) but I was finally able to nurse him part time when he was 6 weeks old. My milk dwindled a couple of months later, and I was so upset. But I kept thinking that I would know how to deal with anything that could go wrong with breastfeeding our second child. Ha! Since Logan was a preemie, he didn't have the energy to nurse...even bottles were a struggle (he had an NG tube occasionally). I tried pumping the 8 times a day I was instructed to on top of bottle feeding and trying latch Logan, and Zander's normal routine. I just couldn't keep it up, and had to let go of my breastfeeding dreams when Logan was a couple of months old.
Us moms do what we have to do, and what we CAN do. You can't do anymore than you can!
You're doing great...don't worry about it...things will all fall into place.
BTW...people make comments about your kids being 18 months apart. Try convincing people that we actually planned to have our kids 15 months apart (I guess Logan wanted to be even closer to Zander than we were prepared for!). Everyone just assumed it was an "accident"....man, did that piss me off!
Good luck!
It'll get easier. And it'll get harder. But it WILL get more fun!
Breastfeeding was harder the first time around. Mostly, I think, because I remembered nursing a 1 year old, and not a newborn. And newborns need more help.
And I can relate to the bleeding nipples! You poor thing! It will get better!
Hang in there. Here for support if you need it!
I had mine 8 years apart- I was a complete babbling idiot with the second one! No, I'm not normally like that.
Sorry to hear that your having feeding issues. I remember how bad it hurts. I also had a colic baby and remember that fear of my second having it also. I am sure everything will work out ok. Big (((HUGS))) Oh yeah who gives a shit how far apart your kids are? I can't believe people even question you about it.
I don't mean to be THE HARBINGER OF DOOM, but I will be honest and tell you it took 9 months to even begin to figure it all out. But I am kind of SLOW, so you have to factor that in...
Reading this entry gave me total flashbacks and full body shivers. I KNOW what you're going through. It simply sucks. And it's hard. So unbelievably hard. But you know what? It WILL get easier. I promise.
Ugh!! Hang in there. My two youngest are 21 months apart.
Trust your gut...even if it is exhausted. You know best.
I've been struggling so much lately with one child that you're my hero for taking on two! You're a great mom, and you'll get into the swing of things. You just need time... and sleep...
If you feel like an amateur then you just need to know that I'm in the audience and I'm your biggest damn fan ever, you're my hero.
God bless your nip nips.
Oh, I think this it is challenging to figure out a newborn no matter how many kids you've had before.
And you know what, sleep deprivation makes every single small or big thing 100 times worse.
Hang in there...it will get easier.
And you obviously have a lifetime of support in bloggerland!
Congrats again on your new little one!!
Awww, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. And I wish people would keep their damn thoughts to themselves about your family spacing. As if it's that unheard of to have children 18 months apart.
Try this as a mantra: it's all transient, it's all transient, it's all transient.
These next few months will likely remain tough. It took me five months with #2 to fall into some kind of acceptable pattern, where nursing was okay and I felt like I wasn't quite a zombie anymore and I felt like I was paying some kind of attention to #1.
But you WILL get there. This period of adjustment, quite frankly, blows. You not only have an infant, but a toddler. That is a shitload of work. Cute work, but heavy duty stuff, all on little sleep and with breastfeeding issues to boot. It is overwhelming.
So try to cut yourself some slack, know that it will eventually even out and you'll find your rhythm as a family of four.
Congratulations! You beat me--i delivered at 2:31pm but i love the whole epidural "can't feel a thing" during labor effect...but i beat you on the weight=8#3oz.! I need to post pics of him but haven't yet. I am in stress mode..trying to clean all the time as that oddly makes me feel i have some control..my 5 yr. old threw me for a loop as i expected the two yr. old to have adjustment issues and he is just uninterested in baby--which is nice! To all those who say no to close ages--you will be much happier w/ close ages a yr. from now b/c then they are playmates! i promise! Good luck--i don't know that i will be online as much for awhile so i will check you when i can. She's beautiful!!!:)
From baby 1 to baby 2, there's 16 months. From baby 2 to baby 3 there's 24 months, from baby 3 to baby 4 there's 15 months. And people ask me all the time why I would do such a thing. How is it POSSIBLY any of their business? And you're right. Asking a hormonal woman ANY question, particularly one that implies judgement, is a very BAD idea!
I have had to learn everything over with every child. You'd think you'd know it all, but you don't. Each kid is different, and plus, the last time you learned it you were half-dazed with exhaustion and hormones. WHo could possibly remember ANYTHING?
I had to give up nursing my youngest child. It simply wasn't working and it was a very hard decision for me, but I was out of options. So it doesn't necessarily get any easier with subsequent children. I feel your pain. I hope you guys get into the swing of things and that your tender spots heal!!!
Two is infinitely harder than one. Three wasn't sooo bad, but the transition to two was killer.
But it gets better.
Oh the "stomp and pant" breastfeeding. You know, where you stomp your foot and pant pant pant until the blinding pain fades to a lesser pain-much like what I would think getting your nipple pierced is like. I am right there with you sista~
I was thinking yesterday that God did not plan this very well. A woman has a baby, has to heal her hurt body, nurse a baby-who does not talk or even realize that they can actually open their eyes so they always think they are about to fall off of a cliff, and the woman gets to bleed for 6 weeks-oh, and she may also have hemorhoids, and a toddler who is adjusting as well. She also gets to do all of this on little to no sleep. It just didn't make sense! You would think that it could go smoother... and if a woman ever says to you "Oh, having babies is easy!" Kick her in the ass... she is a bitch.
But you my friend-will survive... because that is what it is all about right now. SURVIVAL! So do what you need to do-use a pacifier, use alcohol (for yourself, not recommended for the baby-or the toddler)
(((HUGS))) I know it is pretty tough at first but everything will work out, I promise!!
I had the exact same bfing experience. BRUTAL pain.
Do what you need to do to take care of you. That's the most important thing. Hugs.
With all 4 of my babies I had two weeks of toe curling nipple pain and bleeding nipples. Warm tea bags and Lanolin cream helped a lot. I also had two of mine 19 months apart. My first two were 22 months so I had 3 kids in 3 1/2 years. It was crazy and I had many episodes of crying jags on my bathroom floor. We survived and even though at the time I felt like I wasn't spreading myself enough between the three of them they got what they needed from each other. They are so close and those first few years of Hell are totally worth how bonded they are today. You'll be okay and you're right that you will look back on this and see just how far you have come. Give yourself a break. the first few months are so hard but it does get better.
I had twins when my oldest was 20 mos. I guess it was hard...I've blocked it all out! LOL Seriously, they are 9 and 10 now and I am SO GLAD they are close in age. Think taking two toddlers or two infants someplace is hard? Try arranging a baseball schedule of a 9 year old and THEN dragging a toddler around as well. No thanks!!
As my sister would always say (she has 3 children)"this to shall pass". That would always make me relax. A month later I would look back and realize she was right.
Hang in there!
You are going to be fine. All those feelings are totally normal, so you gotta just ride with it and cut yourself some slack. The kids are too little to remember any "shortcuts" you take or mistakes you make, so don't worry too much. You are going to LOVE having them close together - soon enough.
Lane - Mom to four kids born in under 3 years. Oh, and I've heard ALLLLLLL the comments. :)
I went from the easiest baby in the world to the most difficult baby (22 months later).
It was tough, but we all survived!!!!
Good luck with the breastfeeding. I felt like the world's worst mom, because with my 2nd child, I hated every minute of it.
Hang in there, and do what you have to do to survive:)
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