My Cups Runneth Over
If only my legs, thighs and stomach were not covered in post pregnancy flab, I could easily be mistaken for Pamela Anderson. Easily. Well, I would also have to have blond hair, a tattoo on my upper arm, plumper lips, and be Canadian. But other than that, I could totally pass for Pamela Anderson.
I have Pamela's boobs. Or maybe I have Dana's? Either way, my boobs are HUGE.
These monstrosities seem to be growing everyday. I just purchased new size E nursing bras, I even tried them on in the store. Now they are too small. Am I going to have to go and buy a size H bra to keep these enormous tatas in control?
And the leaking! Oh my goodness the leaking! Instead of the worthless nursing pads I've been using, I think I'm going to get a pillow off of my bed and strap it across my chest with some duct tape. Sure it isn't the most attractive solution, but it's not as if I've been personifying a runway model recently. Breastmilk stains down the front of my shirt are not the must have item for the summer.
The only shirts that cover my ample bosoms are my old sorority T-shirts from college. Actually, I bought some new nursing shirts, and like a fool, I bought them in size small. I did wear one of my new skin-tight shirts on an outing yesterday, hoping that it would stretch out with a little wear. No such luck. I did, however, get ogled by a bunch of dirty old men and several masculine looking females.
If Playboy called right now and offered me the cover, I'd be forced to take it. One day I will want photographic evidence that these boobs actually existed. And really, it would be so fun to fill out that very academic survey Playboy publishes on their playmates.
Like, oh my gawd, my name is Jennifer!!!! Puppies, kittens, and bunnies are soooooooo cute!!! My favorite color is yellow because that's the color of the sun!!! I wish for world peace and for all the children of the world to have tricycles!!!! My ideal guy would be totally sweet, rich, and know how to bake!!!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh...I forgot!! I like rainbows, too!!!!
(Stay tuned for the Google search results I get from this post.)
Labels:
Mommydom
35 People are even more brilliant:
*SNORT* You are cracking me up today!
At least you got ogled!
Don't forget your turn-offs are smelly feet and nose hair.
You are so funny! I can't WAIT to see those knockers. I must see them in person! Are you coming on Wed? Please!
The only problem is as you get to be my age the tits face your belly button and just about touch eachother...
Fondly,
Catherine, the redhead
Enjoy them while they last sistah! The after-effects are
U-G-L-Y. Think ski slopes.
Believe it or not, I've said this before...
"Show us your boobs!!!"
The memories! Not long ago, I too was cutting up cloth diapers and stuffing them in my own E cup bras.
Now I'm fantasizing about a boob lift to go along with my tummy tuck.
the leaking is the worse !!! 8 months of the damn pads. sweat, smell...ugh.
oh ho ho your first line is BRILLIANT! (and the rest of the post too, but I LOVE that first line...) Be prepared to get lots of hits by all the pervies out there...
Wow! I have the opposite problem right now. Mine are not making enough milk at the moment, and they're really no bigger than they were pre-pregnancy. It's like someone forgot to give them the memo that they need to work now.
Heehee! Sorry about your bra problems...but man, this post made me laugh!!! Hope you'll share any google searches with us!
Too funny! Breastfeeding boobies are certainly beautiful!
You forgot long walks on the beach! All playmates love the beach! It must be their inner marine biologist.
LOL! I had G's for a looong time after my kids were born. And, for me, they never went down to what they were pre-babies. Mine are larger and really don't look any worse for the wear. Gravity is getting to them now that 40 is gettin' closer, but the breastfeeding didn't seem to hurt them.
You crack me up. I loved the survey. "my favorite color is yellow cause it's the color of the sun" HEHEHEHEH!
I remember leaking like a freakin' fire hose a few years ago. My poor baby would gag,choke,cough because milk was spraying out so fast.
Not fun. But like someone else just mentioned, enjoy 'em while you got 'em ;)
Thanks for the laughs today!
You are too funny. I'm glad I'm back. I enjoy reading your entries!
LOL!
I still remember when my milk came in the first time around. Standing in front of the mirror, I let out a "Holy Shit, look at my tits!" From the top up, I coulda been a porn star.
Oh how I wish I had taken "before" and "during" pictures of my tatas. It's hard to remember that I actually had clevage! Now I'm reduced to an A cup--and *gasp* *sob* possibly a "nearly A." I might get pregnant again just to get those old boobies back. Enjoy them while they last!!!!
Size E. Really ??? Yep we're going to need some photographic evidence too.
I am seriously feeling all teary eyed here. The H is what caused me to want to have my surgery. Ski slopes are definately the words to describe the after effects! I feel for you. I really do.
Yea I feel your pain sista!
I've always had big boobs, but while nursing they were gargantuous (is that a word?). They were quiet frightening. My bra was huge!! DH's head could fit in my bra...do you remember that scene in Weird Science?
Looks from old men and masculine women...yuck!
I peed my postpartum pants a little!
I was a leaking machine, too, and I only had size c boobs!
I both pity and envy you- I never got bigger with breastfeeding, and struggled to make enough milk. But lots of people have told me that you get a lot more milk the second time around, so for me, here's hoping! (Maybe not hoping for G cups, though...!) And for you, hopefully those boobs settle down to a reasonably voluptuous but not old-man-ogle-inducing size.
Having recently purchased a 42F I know exactly what you mean. I ordered it online and they had a fit chart so I got out the tape measure and was completely shocked that was my size. Then it came in the mail and it fit - ugh!
I've decided you need your own show on TLC. I mean seriously. I watch that and all the moms talk about how wonderful and lovely babies are. You are talking about leaking boobs for goodness sakes. And if me saying you need your own TLC show isn't the best compliment you get all day Jennifer, I really don't know what else to say! ;)
Jen, Take many pics so, if ever needed, you can say ... make me look like this again! Ok, maybe not quite Pamela-sized ...
If you need to decrease the swelling some, I found that cool cabbage leaves helped a lot ... Ashley
All this new mommy-talk and I feel like I'm outside your blog reading demographics now.
If I weren't at work, I'd be sure to Googlebomb Google so that any searches for "Jennifer and enormous and tatas" referred to this blog. :D
Hey, this is my first time here and I was checking out some of your older entries, and had to share: I had a blocked ureter (sp?), due to an csection complication, and had to have a stint placed too. Not fun. Actually, I had 2 stints, a small one and then a bigger one. And it's still "surgery" if they have to put you under! For me, that's the worst part- I get so puking feeling afterward....
And the kids keep showing up at our parties, too. Huh.
Enjoy them while you have them. I also wish I had more photographic evidence of what mine were like while breastfeeding. Right now I'm struggling to fill an A cup, my children apparently ate all of my breast tissue along wtih the milk.
Meh.
I'm still breastfeeding my second child (at 18 months) and my boobs haven't made it past a B cup. As a teenager in padded bras I always hoped that one day, perhaps as a Mum, my walnuts would at least be apples, but alas, I'm more of a lemon girl. Sarah
This is too funny! How did I miss this before?
BTW, if the leaking is still a problem (and gosh, I hope not), try Avent Breast Shells. Different solution to the problem. (Just be careful when you bend over if you wear the ventilated ones! Trust me on this.)
oh, the leaking! I understand all too well. VERY funny post. I keep leaving my breast pads around the house. It disgusts my husband, and he holds them up between is two fingers and says "are these things dirty?". I figure, I'm the one nursing the baby, I get to decide where I leave my trash!! (and I really only leave them in the baby's room).
Yo! I feel ya sista! Although apparently my boobs have shrunken into nothingness with this postpartum period. I was actually able to buy a nursing bra at a normal store and not the local bolder holder shop! I about died that it was less then $50.
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