I Swear I'm Not Even Exaggerating
I've had Wild Kingdom-esque weekend. From water moccasins to alligators, I'm lucky to be alive. For reals.
Apparently, we have a water moccasin living in the pond in our backyard. It's about TWENTY! FEET! LONG!** with GIANT fangs**. The f*cker even hisses** at you when you come near it. Pete (that's his name)**, tried to attack** me yesterday, but somehow I managed to escape. Tate attempted to exterminate Pete with a rake, but was unable to get him. I fear for my family's life when we venture outside,you know, with a twenty foot** water moccasin on the loose.
Last night at dinner, there was an alligator off the dock right where we were sitting. He was ten feet long** if he was foot. It reared it's dinosaur-like head, sneering at us onlookers**. Suddenly it lunged, gnashing it's fangs**. I was convinced that I was about to become an item on the news, "Local Woman Eaten Alive During Vicious Alligator Attack at Popular Restaurant."
This morning, while out on the boat in the swamps, we encountered crickets the size of basketballs**. They were black with yellow stripes and FANGS**. I'm sure I saw FANGS**. These crickets are notorious for being poisonous, so when I saw them in a tree just centimeters** from my head, you can be sure I completely freaked out. Death by poisonous cricket is not the way I wanted to leave this world.
My idea of a good wildlife experience involves the Mutual of Omaha and a television set. I don't care much for personal encounters with wildlife. The rest of the weekend is going to be spent inside, where it's safe.
**A few of the details in this post may or may not have been exaggerated. I'm just sayin'.
Labels:
Life in LA
19 People are even more brilliant:
They should take the "Stars Fell on Alabama" off of our tags and go with "Alabama .... no place for sissys".
Is there a bug or nasty critter which we don't have? You'd think the humidity would have killed them all.
And water moccasins aren't funny. Feed him to the damn alligator!
I'd stay inside too, exaggeration or no! I haven't crossed paths with so much as a garden snake this summer, fingers crossed...
#1 Why does it say "Stars Fell on Alabama"? I'm sure that this is an amazingly obvious question...but I'm oblivious.
#2 I read the post and kept wondering what was with all of the **'s. Then I read down to the bottom.
So, now, instead of picturing an enormous water moccasin and a HUGE crocodile, I'm stuck picturing a itty bitty garter snake and a baby caiman.
You should never go outside again. Ever.
I hate the outdoors. As soon as they can air condition the atmosphere, I will enjoy it.
Um. What's a water mocassin?
Nevermind. I just Googled it. Eek! I'm a total wimp who's afraid of the wasps living under her front steps. And the neighbor's cat, Bart. He attacks dogs.
Water moccassins, alligators, and bears...oh my!
Wow, sometimes a squirrel runs down our fence... oh and frogs. this time of year we have frogs.
Sounds like you live in a fantastic area...not really the city! :-)
And here I was thinking the errant frog in our living room this week was dramatic!
Water Moccasin's scare the life out of me - not fond of the aligators either. Hmm - probably not the best part of the world for me to be living in then eh? ;)
Im with you, my idea of wildlife is watching the cats chase the squirrels in the backyard, from inside. ;)
Those snakes are one of the only kind that are aggressive. We have a pond and similar problems. We killed a 6 foot rattle snake last year that was coiled to strike in our yard, and last night hubby shot another that was laying in our driveway...2 big rattle snakes in less than 2 years...Our bug guy killed a baby moccasin that he discovered laying next to my back door...
I FEEL your pain!
And I was worried about black widow spiders and mosquitoes with west nile virus. I don't even know what a water moccasin is...I'm assuming it's not soggy leather footwear.
I'm an ass...I had to Google the Water thing...I thought it was a shoe.
Holy crap. I'd be screamin'.
ah...so.. just another ordinary action-filled day??!!
Ok, NOW I remember why I don't live in Alabama!!!!
DH is TERRIFIED of snakes. We moved close to this fabulous lake that has water boats and fishing and campsites. But one of DH's friends told him he caught a snake in the lake once, and now DH won't go near it. I'm the one who's going to end up catching snakes and bugs and lizards with William. Maybe we'll torment daddy. No--that would be cruel. Would it, though? Too funny Jennifer! Stay sare.
I'd never be leaving the house again. Gah!
Water moccasins... oh ugh!!!
I hate snakes- especially nasty poisonous ones- I would NOT be outside until the thing was dead!!!
Thank God we have a dog...
Oh, I am nearly doubled over with laughter (and I'm in the library). Keep safe. Stay inside! :)
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