Second Place
Saturday began as a terrific day. Sun shining, we went to some garage sales. We used our double stroller for the first time, Shel napped for the majority of the morning's shopping, and we salvaged all kinds of junk at cheap prices. The little things were bringing me joy.
The day continued with little crying, long naps from both children, and time on the computer for me. It was a good day indeed. I was feeling happier than I had in a long while.
Then like a switch, the good day darkened and my mood changed.
It's the rare occasion that I have the opportunity to give Peanut his bath, read him his bedtime stories, and put him to bed. This is usually the time of night that Shel needs lots of tending and I get the responsibility of calming her. However, Saturday night was different. Shel was calm, so I gave Peanut his bath.
After his bath, Peanut demanded that Tate come in and read his stories and put him to bed. He was pleading for his Father. He didn't want me.
It felt like a slap in the face. This second place parenting. My confidence has been shaken.
All I could do was take Shel from Tate's arm and leave the bedroom. I didn't, I couldn't even tell Peanut goodnight.
I began to nurse Shel, crying because of the hurt and sadness that had so suddenly washed over me. That voice in the back of my head who has been taunting me since Peanut was an infant, had spoken quite clearly to me that night. I'm always going to play second fiddle to Tate in Peanut's eyes. I've never had the ability to soothe and comfort Peanut. I've never been the one he's run to. I can't make the truck noises, give him tractor rides, and play for hours outside. Daddy can. Mommy can't.
Tate does not comprehend why I am feeling so down, so resentful. I haven't had the words, or even the courage to admit that Peanut hurt my feelings. Even saying that a 20-month old could hurt my feelings to this extent seems trivial and immature. I'm an adult and know that I should realize that Peanut is just a small child and his intent was not to hurt me.
But I feel my confidence in my parenting abilities waning. I wonder how I'm going to handle always being the second place parent. It's not a competition, shouldn't be a competition. But I can't help but wonder, can I do better? How do I do better?
Labels:
confession,
Mommydom
21 People are even more brilliant:
Oh yes. When Mr. Man made his first rejection of me... I knew it would come, I knew it would sting, I didn't know how crushing it would truely feel. It took me a few days but eventually I remembered that I'm here all the time. He's going to take me for granted because he can. I'm constant. I'm stable. I'm MOM. A few months later he started really showing me the love and the balance was righted. You may not make the noises or the activity or the type of play he'll want, as a boy, but you can hug/hold/reassure like nobody else on the planet can. Mr. Man was never very snuggly until after the balance was righted. Now he loves snuggling; as do I.
I don't want to dismiss what you're feeling, and I understand why you were upset, but it's worth saying that he's at an age where they start to play one parent off the other in a way. Insisting that Daddy do something one day, or throwing a tantrum because Mommy was supposed to do it another day - I think it's all part of the toddler package. We've experienced this for a while now. Try to look at it as a developmental phase, and don't take it on yourself as a reflection of the time you've had to spend soothing your daughter. Think of the buzz your husband is getting too, for being the 'cool' guy :)
Man, oh man. I do not look forward to this one. I think Annie's right about this being "part of the toddler package".
I know that doesn't lessen the sting, by any means. But, maybe it helps to know that everyone goes through it? Probably not...
Big hugs to you, sista, cause you're going through this right now and I know that my time is right around the corner.
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It will work out eventually and there will be balance in the force again..though it doesn't seem like it now. Your allowed to feel that way, it wouldn't be right if you didn't. He's probably just used to his routine and doesn't like his "Chi" to be messed up.
You are 'Mom' you will always be first...but because you are 'Mom', Peanut will ALWAYS feel comfortable enough with you to do as he pleases...with your heart especially....It's what we moms do.
hug.
I'm so sorry...these kids, they're a force, aren't they?
Peanut needs you and loves you and feels comfortable "rejecting" you, because he's confident in the durability of your love.
It still hurts though, doesn't it?
Oh, man. My oldest (2 1/2) is doing this to me now. It started right before he turned 2, around the time his little brother made an appearance. Since then, he bounces back and forth, playing favorites, but Daddy definitely gets more favorite time than Mommy. Of course, my youngest wants all Mommy, all the time. But it doesn't hurt any less when my oldest cries because Mommy woke him up in the morning and not Daddy.
I feel your pain.
I read once that in studies, children associate their fathers voice with play and happiness and their mother's voice with fufilling needs. When it comes to the happy giggling silliness of peekaboo and wrestling, daddies are naturally gifted. But when a kid needs someone...someone to hold them or take care of them or make everything better they come to mom.
It isn't always the case, but a lot of times it is...and it makes it easier when the same thing happens to me.
Hugs to you, sister.
Jennifer, you are SUCH a great mom. I see it with my own eyes time and time again. We all doubt ourselves from time to time but I'm here to tell you how great you really are.
And this whole mom to son gig is very different than I imagined being a mom would be....because I'm a girl and only related to mom-ness through a girl's eyes. I still ponder over my place as a mom with all boys. I wish I had some magical answer to make being a mom to a son seem just as special. But I don't...
I do know what you mean by hurt feelings. Who would get hurt feelings over their son farting on them?!? Really...grow up. But it did hurt my feelings b/c it was the one special "mom" thing I had that made me better than daddy. Even if it was about farts. snort.
I'll say it again...you are a great mom and I know Peanut loves you just as much.
I don't have a boy so I don't pretend to know what it's like to have one, but I do have a girl and for this short time that you have Shel as a tiny little person YOU will be her whole world and Tate will never understand.
the moosh and I are tight in ways Cody can't even comprehend.
That's all I have.
That and that it's just a phase but who really wants to hear that?
hang in there, i am sure there will be a moment coming soon that will put you back to a good feeling with peanut. Your email actually really helped me b/c i recently said to D that Sass hurt my feelings...and i realize i was being very immature.
ps, i gave you some love on my site, check it out
We feel what we feel, and it is not immature to own up to how we are feeling. I've always been the 1st fiddle parent in the house, so your post gave me insight to how David must sometimes feel. I've always felt a bit burdened by having to the THE ONE, but I'm realizing it is an honor too. Thanks.
Aw. I remember a few days after I brought Arlo home I cried because Elliot learned that I was busy feeding the baby and that daddy had to be her goto guy for awhile if she wanted a slave to get her juice, etc. I thought I would be happy she was asking him for things (because really the constant "mom? mom?" is really irritating) but instead I felt jealous. I still miss that I can't read her bedtime stories or cuddle her before she sleeps because the baby is fussy at that time of night.
Ah, well. The babies will need less tending soon, Jen. And then we'll probably be wishing the kids would cling to dad so that we could get some peace and quiet.
I was there about a month ago when BC woke up terrified in the middle of the night. We were potty training at night and he had an accident.
It was that cry. The one that makes your stomach sick and the momma bear instinct takes over.
But when I tried to calm him he became irate. He wanted Daddy, not me.
That was hard, very hard.
But I've had a few moments here and there lately that reassure me that I am doing a good job with him.
Hang in there. I feel your pain.
I completely understand your feeling of rejection. I was just joking yesterday that Hubby is "Fun Daddy" and I'm "Mean Mommy." It's not all a joke though. It DOES hurt to know that's how Sweet Boy sees us sometimes. The fact that he and Daddy share many interests that don't appeal to me in the least or about which I know nothing doesn't help matters.
But your other commenters are right. They wouldn't be "rejecting" us if they didn't know that no matter what our love is here to stay.
Now go give that little girl of yours a hug.
My daughter rejected me for her father for most of her first two and a half years of life. Me! The one who went through four years of infertility treatment just to have her.
Lately, though, she seems to be balancing more of her attention between the two of us. My dad told me that would happen, but I didn't believe him. It is heartbreaking when it happens, and I completely understand how you are feeling.
Thank you for blogging about this- I thought it was just me- DS has always favored his daddy- if DH is home I am persona non-grata!
It hurts my feelings every time- but it only brings me to tears when I am tired, or sick, or especially when I am trying hard for a special moment and he'll have none of it.
Maybe Shel will be a mommy's girl!
Ok, here's the bright side...when you're out to dinner and Peanut has to pee (b/c all children once they're potty-trained have to survey each and every public restroom within a 50 mile radius)...guess who has to get up and take him? Daddy!
I love it when that happens with our 2 (Baby's still in diapers). Not that we go out to dinner a lot. Hardly ever. But still...
(hugs) As the mom to a teenager and a "tween" I wish I could say it'll stop after toddlerhood, but there are still times when the kids make it clear that dad is the "fun" parent.
My dad was always the fun parent too. In fact, if I want fun, I go to my dad. But....if I have a need or a problem or need advice, I know I have to go to my mom because my dad just jokes and teases about whatever it is.
So moms have their place too....they just have to wait a little longer to see the results. :)
Aww im sorry that happened to you but im sure he loves his mummy just as much .My eldest seems to prefer her dad most of the time to (except when she wants mummy milk) and i know how upsetting it can be. Maybe there is hope with Shel? , Eilidh seems to be a mummys girl so far
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