Maybe We'd Fit In If I'd Let Carson Wear Jon-Jons and I'd Named Ella, Mary Something or Other
Yesterday was the first day of the fall session of storytime at the library. Since I'm not feeling overly confident right now about my appearance, I worried about what to wear, fretted over my hair, and actually put on make-up. Nothing in my closet looks good on me anymore, I'm still wearing some maternity clothes. I also felt really anxious about making conversation with the other Moms, since I've yet to make one friend since beginning storytime a year ago. I was hoping that it would be different this time.
I've read several posts lately about different kinds of Moms and making friends with other women. Before Carson was born, I naively assumed that he'd be my ticket to easy, ready-made friendships. I dreamed of going to the park, meeting other friendly Moms who were just like me, commiserating over our Starbucks grande mochaccinos, easily making conversation and having loads to talk about since we'd have so much in common.
This, obviously, has not been the case. And I don't really know why I'm surprised. And I wish wasn't always disappointing myself.
Yesterday's foray into the world of Gap Moms, Alpha Moms, a sprinkling of crunchy mamas, and several women who made it very clear they were uninterested in having a conversation with anyone left me feeling rejected and disappointed yet again. I immediately realized that my much fretted about outfit was completely wrong. Most of the other Moms were in their color-coordinated work-out gear with ponytails and sun-visors. My children weren't even dressed correctly since I refuse to allow Carson to wear jon-jons and Ella wasn't wearing a smocked and monogrammed dress.
My conversation attempts were just that, attempts. Most of the other Moms seemed to know one another (presumably they work out together?). I asked people how their summers had been, only to get one word responses, "fine," they'd say. The other Moms easily made conversation with one another, telling each other how Mary Claire and Riffington had a wonderful time at Helen Brannon's birthday party. And how little Mary Elizabeth and Margaret Ames* had had the best time playing together at the park.
I felt sad and jealous that Carson and I have never been included in any of these birthday parties or playdates.
I don't really know where I fit in with these women. Honestly, I kind of wish I was more of a Gap Mom or Alpha Mom. I want to look put together or look like I've been working out. I want my kids to look the part, too, with the "right" clothes. I drive the SUV, I live in the brick house. I wonder, does my husband not make enough money? Is it because I'm a "Yankee?"
I don't feel like I'll ever fit in with these women. What I really want is for these Moms to want to know me.
I'm tired of always being at the edge of other's conversations, smiling and nodding like a fool, but never having anything to add. I'm tired of making the effort to be friendly and my attempts never reciprocated.
Why is making friends still so difficult? Where do I fit in?
*I changed the names of the children in storytime, however they are based on real names. It's very common in the Deep South for little girls to be called by their first and middle names.
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I read a very interesting book called Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads. The basic premise is that we relive our high school relationships all over again when we become parents. Sounds like the moms you are describing at Queen Bee Moms... to be avoided and feared at all costs!
The only way I've made mom friends here in the south is to join a moms group through my local hospital. When we go to the park or story time or Gymboree, I am too distracted taking care of my kids I can't hold a coherent conversation.
Making new friends is hard!
I, too, am friendless. I find that my personality and sense of humor isn't the same as other women and so no one knows how to take me (DH is the same way so I guess that is why we are perfect together!).
I never wanted to be one of those perfectly put together moms....but I know about the jealousy thing. I have tried to make conversation at my apartment complex playground only to never see that mom again (and she lives in my complex!!).
I really have no advice for you because I am still working on the friends thing myself. Try going for some grownup classes like Bellydancing or Yoga and see if that helps? I have issues with that only because DH always seems to have some kind of work on the days they have the classes. :-(
You can also try Meetup.com. You can join a moms group or anything of interest. They meet one night a month at a local place. I met some friends there when I first moved here from TN. It's worth a shot anyway. :-) The point is to go there and MEET people. :-D
Please don't change. It's notoriously hard to make friends as an adult, but more important than making friends is being true to yourself. If looks and appearances are what's important to them, do you want them to be your friend anyway?
Eventually, a mom will come along that you click with and you'll find yourself a new friend. Until then, hang in there. You're perfect just the way you are.
(And coordinated workout gear and visors? Ick.)
Do you live in Alabama, or Stepford?
Siiigh- My only friends are online. They show up at my door at 4am wanting stuff waaay less than the 'real' people i know.
You don't want to be a Gap Mom or an Alpha Mom. Be yourself.
You will get to know the ones who are worth knowing in time.
So much for Southern Hospitality! I am laughing out loud at the jon-jons and double-named girls. My husband refuses to let me name our kids with family maiden names. (You know--the kids with last names as first names?) Makes me laugh. I also thought I'd be one of those moms who dressed her kids up in smocked outfits, but when it came down to it, I just---couldn't---do---it! Anyway, don't lower yourself to their level. Once Carson starts school, I'll bet you'll find a new world of more accepting moms. Look for the moms who work--they're too damn busy to be uptight! Lol. Hugs!
It isn't that I want to change so much as I just want to fit in and feel like I'm a part of the group.
Also, it's not that I don't have any friends at all, I do (Heather, Sara, Megan..) it's just that I wish I had a friend in this situation.
I don't know if you ever knew that my parents call me "Mary Leslie" ick I know! In 4th grade and on I refused to allow it from anyone else- I still hate when my family calls me that but they insist. My daddy's a good old south-rin boy- we still call him Daddy.
Also, for the record, you are an EXTREMELY nice and friendly person so obviously, it's some problem of theirs. We have 2 moms on the boys' soccer team who dress in the uber expensive workout gear and visors. We call them "the IMPORTANT people" because apparently they are VERY important. And it is US who choose to not talk to them- but one has twins so she's taken a strange interest in me making it hard to shun her...
And yet another reason why I wish we lived closer, oh blogging soulmate of mine!
This is the deal... you are TOO GOOD for AL people. Trust me, they are a different breed there. They are jealous and intimidated by YOU.
You are just the kind of friend that I would pick out in a crowd. I wish we lived closer!
My sister? Daughter with two names and a closet full of smocked dresses, pants, shirts, probably smocked panties, too.
I've met other Mom's through a mom's group on Meetup.com, too, but I couldn't live without my blog pals. You all just live to far away!
If you are ever up in Birmingham let's do lunch! You'll forget about your baby weight, I promise!
Jonjons? Yeesh. i'm so glad you don't!!!
seriously, though, making friends is SO hard. i'm going to be thankful for the 2 that i have and no longer try to figure out where i fit in...because it's just too damn tiring. why are women so evil? :)
OH the Jon-Jons. I can't justify spending that kind of money on something that I can't mix-and-match.
I too have this trouble. I have been to Gymboree but only to the introductory class because all of the moms knew each other already and I was excluded from their conversations, despite my attempts to be social.
I've noticed that the park is overrun with working moms in the afternoons and I'm often an outcaset as soon as I mention that I'm a stay-at-home mother. The other moms chat about their nannies and their hairdressers going on snorkeling trips and so and so not getting into the top preschool because of her family's connections to the state of Kentucky.
These moms aren't paying the least bit of attention to their kids and I end up spending most of my time at the park, paranoid that these Mary Claires and Blaines are going to be abducted while the mothers toss their ponytails and check their manicures for grains of sand.
My feeble attempts to hold a conversation are often rebuffed. It is just like high school. The Westside can be a brutal place.
If I go earlier in the day, the nannies stick together pretty tightly and bitch about their employers.
I guess, long story short, I hear you.
It might not be AS MUCH of your location as you think. It took me a good 2 to 3 years to feel like I was "a real mom" with real mom friends and coffee dates and playdates etc. Carson is still a bit too little yet for the kinds of things that bring moms together. I felt left out too, by the other moms, but now I have my "mom group" and hope I'M not the one leaving out others.
Really, just keep being who you are. Don't worry about what you or the children are wearing. You wouldn't be happy in that kind of friendship anyway- the kind that is focused on Status. Continue offering something genuine to your encounters, and you will find some mommy friends. It just takes time! Lots and lots of time!
I remember how lonely I was too. I'm sorrry. I know it sucks!
How annoying! I wish you lived near me in N. AL ( I only assume you don't...). YOu could join our playgroup. We're kick ass. Seriously.
OH Jennifer - I understand what you're saying. I do think it's like highschool all over again and I hated it the first time around. My son doesn't get invited to the 'cool kids' birthday parties at preschool either - it's because I can't be bothered to get involved in preschool politics. And it's probably not so much a location thing (ie. the south) as a Mom-culture thing. That's the way Mom's are - everywhere.
And thank GOODNESS you didn't let Carson wear Jon-Jons (those are hideous).
It's taken me 8 years to find friends here in TX. That's only a small hanful of co-workers. Were not like tight tight or anything. I don't know if it's my social anxiety that keeps people away or seeing that I have three wild boys to control. Anyways I so here ya and we'd so be BFF's if we were close. I'm so the anti Gap Jon Jon wearing type. I don't even know what Jon Jon's are, execpt I'm guessing their PDiddy's brand? The best people I've met are those online. Their my kind of people ;)
/end of randomness
I'm that person too. The one sitting in the back trying to laugh with the conversation, but having nothing to add. I hear you. I really don't have many close mommy friends. Sometimes it makes me sad, but mostly it doesn't bother me. I just can't let it. That's why I love blogging. I feel like I know all of you. I'll be your friend. ;)
Southern hospitality doesn't seem so hospitable there does it? Hang in there girl.
I haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if I repeat what they've said.
Do you really want to be friends with women as unwelcoming as that? I'm guessing, no.
I seriously KNOW how hard it is to be a fish out of water - far out of water. When Miss E was born, I started going to the Mommy and Me group I'd heard of in the hospital when she was 2 months old. I was fortunate to have met 4 other moms with kids Miss E's age, that I just clicked with. As our kids have got older - and we no longer go to the class, we've stayed in touch and will meet every so often for playdates. However, I have seen a new crop of moms with younger kids, who've graduated (for want of a better word) from that same Mommy and Me class, and they are the moms you describe. I see them at the toddler gym, looking down on other people who aren't in their clique! They probably look down on me - do I give a shit? At one time I would have, but not now. I guess I have grown comfortable in my mommy skin, especially since having a second child. I don't want to be some designer bag toting, gossiping, nose looker downer - I can't stand that. I want to be me, and I want my kids to see me being me, and being friends with other people who accept and enjoy us for who we are, and vice versa.
In my usual long winded way (shoulda just done my own blog post ha!), I'm just saying, don't give up. There are other moms out there like you, it just might take some more trips to the library, and more trips to the playground to flush 'em out.
And, anytime you're in our neck of the woods, we'll have the playdate to end all playdates ;)
So sorry. It's not you. Really. You don't need to change for these mom's. I'm sure there is another mom just like you in your neighborhood. You just have to find her. I've found some good friends while wandering through Target. I talk to myself (big suprise there I'm sure)and to the boys while at Target and whenever I see another mom with kids similar in age to mine I just start talking....if they look at me like I'm insane I just walk away...but most of the time we start talking and shopping or talking about the park down the street or whatever. I really wish we lived closer because all of us would have a kick ass playgroup!
I know where you're coming from, except I'm pretty sure I bring some of it on myself. I am shy. As a southerner in a northern (at least to me) state, I will have to agree with others that it's not just a southern thing.
It's hard feeling like you're on the outside, but can you imagine attempting to have a conversation with them? I'm sure it would be full of one-up-manship. "My baby came out of the womb doing long division." "Well, my baby says 'ga-ga' in FOUR different languages." And I couldn't even imagine the birthday party. No matter what you spent on the gift, it wouldn't be enough.
I think you're hilarious, and if we lived back down south, I would definitely hang out with you at the library.
It is hard to make friends when you only see someone 30 minutes a week. So far I haven't made any friends, at my daughters new nursery school, but I just assumed that is how it is. I guess I am just greatful she made friends :)
And here I was all jealous because you have your group of coolio playgroup dropout bloggers down there. (How uncool am I for using the word coolio?)
Oh Sweets, I'm sorry you feel that way. I too have been in that same position. On the good days, I realize I wouldn't be happy hanging out with those folks. On bad days, I wish they would gain 50 lbs each.
You walk into storytime next time and you know that you have a ton of mom friends with you. We may not all be living next door, but we love you.
It's not you. As you know, I'm up here in the Tiny Kingdom in the heart of smocked monogramming and double named land. (I swear I wrote about it several years ago).
I showed up to many bday parties with my kids underdressed, because I don't DO smocked linen for boys, even if it's Easter, but it turned out ok. Over time, and especially as the boys got older, I found a group of friends who didn't always dress up and who liked the things i did, and now it's all good.
PS - Up here - there are some BOYS with double names!! What the hell??
sun visors? Holy heck!!!
I hate all that clique crap. My best friend and I let everyone in our clique...if they are cool enough.
What kind of mom does it make me that I don't even know what jon-jons are?
I put mine in Jon jons a lot, but he's much younger than Carson. I agreed to stop at 3. So, at 2, I bought a huge closetful of them as this is it.
You be yourself. Fuck the bitches. I too hate being left out. And, despite being very nice to this one lady, including giving her about $100 of leftovers from SDs b-day(she did the same theme), she publically said how much she didn't like me.
You fit in here. And, somewhere in AL you'll find some great people. I'm sorry you're finding it difficult to accumulate. That sucks. And, if they all wear matching workout clothes, they are lemmings.
Delurking to say that I totally, totally relate...
i gotta be honest i would be scared of the south. i just picture the women being so super into perfection. i am in nj and found a great group of ladies. however i do live in an area where there is a LOT of money. and to be around these people is so self deflating. sass goes to preschool with kids who live in $3M dollar homes ????? i wish i had some words of wisdom. i guess you need to stay true to yourself, looking the part for others is a waste, be who you are and you will find your niche. YANKEES RULE
Next time, take a six pack0- they will warm up nicely!
Sorry that happened- it does suck!
Don't ever change to fit in, I promise there are people in the south that would love to be your "friend" at these groups. I know how you feel, I sometimes sit on the sidelines and listen, makes for a great post! No ideas to help you out here, just hang in there, it will get better. Never become a gap mom, please!!!
We were on the same wave length today, I just posted about all the "classes" at Little Miss's school! Just keep trying to get their attention, best way, be yourself!!
well that just sucks rocks.
if at first you don't succeed - move on! i so know what you mean. but you will find some peeps. you certainly got a whole bandwagon full here in blogville!
I can't say that it's not just the South, as that is the only place I have ever lived.
But I can say I've read similar posts from moms all around the country.
How is it that we all find each other here, but in real life it is so difficult?
Oh, honey.
You could come to story time with me any time you wanted... and i could give a sh*t what you wore. I never even heard of jon jons.
Seriously, I've had the same exact problem here in CO! I remember taking my son to a music class when he turned 1...thinking I would SURELY meet someone there. It was the worst. I would just come home and cry after every class.
It seems like so many other moms think you want to become best friends when you try initiate conversation so they turn into complete bitches to avoid getting sucked in.
I feel like saying, "Calm down, you ridiculously, bitchy dumbass! I was just trying to be polite and have a chat since our kids are playing together and you are the only other adult here with me at the park!!!"
Don't stop trying though...your efforts will be reciprocated...if not soon...eventually. ;)
One thing I find funny, and one mom type to add to the list:
1. Jon jons? Those are called rompers or shortalls in my neck of the woods, unless they're called jon jons because they are homemade? (I looked at the link.) Anyhoo, I LOVE my boy wearing rompers/shortalls! Carters and Gymboree make the best ones. Does that make me a weirdo? : )
2. Uber Mom. This is the mom that knows all, does all and makes all other moms feel insuperior and pathetic. The Uber Mom gives out advice whenever she feels like it, and boy oh boy, she's always correct!
Oh yeah, I'm friendless as well. I used to feel weird about how I dressed when I dropped off Mateo at daycare because everyone's so professional looking (the parents, that is), and here I am, a 33-year-old who looks like she's 22, wearing converses, jeans and black t-shirts. I'm always thinking the other parents are thinking about my husband and I: how can they afford to send their kid to daycare? because I look like I'm still in college. Ah, complexes, aren't they lovely?
Well... I don't know that I have much to add... except that I know exactly how you feel. It doesn't seem to matter how many mommy and me classes I try out, I never seem to find the moms I'm looking for... and none of those moms seem to be looking for me either. sniffle sniffle. (And I wouldn't put a boy in those "jon-jons" either.)
not much to add here, except my 'me too'. it's *hard*. sorry, that doesn't make it any easier, I know! I know people who have had good success with MeetUp, but by the time I figured that out, I was back at work.
Now, we're lucky to see the few family friends that we do have :)
Um, what T. and pretty much everyone else said.
I'm quickly finding that just because someone is a mom it doesn't mean that they can't be a total lame ass that I really don't want to hang out with. Sad, but true. I too have wanted to feel like I fit in, but rarely do.
I'm sorry about this, but really, you don't want to fit in with those mamas, do you? They sound dreadful.
Love ya, blogging buddy.
I think people meet each other in pre-school classes and stuff. Those moms probably met in mommy and baby clothes matching class....I mean Gymboree or something like it.
Good friends are hard to come by. This would be why I moved back to Colorado.
Oh man. I know this feeling. I feel exactly like this when I drop The Poo off at preschool. If I lived nearby, I would want to know all about you. That's why I come by here whenever you open your doors.
Piss on those mommies. You're better than that.
This post broke my heart a little bit. We have ALL been there. But I just hate hate hate it when we women don't look out for each other. On my Starbucks purchase yesterday there was a quote by Madeleine Albreit, "I think there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." I could not agree more.
First let me say that I know just how you feel, but I think you already knew that. Also, thank god you linked to jon-jons because I had never heard of them and I had no idea that southern toddler fashion was so strict!
What is it with these alpha/gap moms and their workout gear? It's like they think they're hot enough or whatever to show up looking like they don't give a shit and still make waves. That mother of Matilda's classmate does that too, it's weird.
Sigh. I could use some non-virtual friends too. I mean, I love you and all, but you know. Maybe Freya and I will brave library story time next week, armed with the pretense that I don't care if I make friends or not, of course.
I can totally relate.
I never fit in either. I need more people like you here in California. I have to deal with the extremely wealthy people, here in the OC.
My friend and I both read your post? We are trying to figure out what group we fit in? Do you have definitions of the Gap Mom, Alpha Mom, and such...
I dunno trixie, you seem to fit in with crazy pretty good.
Though I'm southern born, don't ever call me by my first and middle name. I may have to hit you. I think that's a rich southern trend?
And lastly, you DO look put together. I think you dress cute! Even during this in between maternity and regular clothes post partum stage that sucks really bad. You're still cute!
You know what? This has been my life, like since I was born. I know how you feel, I really do. I am so sorry it is this hard. Who wants to fit in with them anyway? Look how many people love you here! Guess what? They are real!
If I were you, try making contact with a mom in your area, online. Then take her with you. Or do things with her. Look on Myspace or cafemom. There are SO many women who feel just like you do. I am definately one of them.
p.s. the blogger community feels a lot like this sometimes too :(
Oooh, jon jons are scary.
I'm sorry this happened. You would totally fit in with our library storytime group. I hadn't realized how lucky I was until just now. I also always thought that the kid would be my ticket to instant friendships as we bonded over diaper talk. Bah!
Why do so many women never grow out of the 8th grade bitchy cliquey stuff?
Wow, high school never ends, huh?
I have no idea what jonjons are. But it's hard to make new friends whether you have kids or not. And the more you want it, the less likely it is.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. How awful. I understand though. I do. It's a universal thing. When we first moved into the boonies of NSW, we were told in no uncertain terms that you are NOT considered local until you have lived in the community for ten years! No one wanted to know us because we were from the city. We were even told off by the school principal because we were double income earners and threw the funding for the school!
I don't think I will ever fit in around here, even though, some days I long to be included in the groups of women.
Hugs to you. The only ones losing out are those snobby women who think they're too good to get to know you.
Wow. It's like I'm reading my own thoughts. Are you soemhow inside my head. I feel the same way...not really belonging to any group. I have casual aquaintances but no real connections. Why does it have to be so hard?!?!?
umm I had to google the Jon-jons lol I had no idea what they were!! In my world you make friends fast becasue you don't have a lot of time.. I pack up and move every 2-3 years.. Here there seems to be a lot of competition among the wives, what rank who's husband is, and if your kids have the latests Abercrombie & Fitch clothes. I try and not allow it to bother me..It is not always easy!!
http://thirdculturekidsrmine.blogspot.com/
oh yes, i know the type of woman you describe. i've got several right here in my neighborhood sporting matching boob jobs.
i've found that in social situations i'm the one that won't shut up. i just pretend that i know everyone already. i compliment them on their children, ask where they shop, or just ask them questions about themselves that i think they'll be flattered by. that makes me sound like a snake doesn't it?
but i do know that fretful feeling of *what do i wear???* i was freaking out on wednesday because i went to a lunch for a great friend but i knew of some of the other women that would be there... and i just KNOW they don't like me... blech. it turned out better than i thought, but still didn't take away from the pre-party freak out.
i'm jenica by the way, one of your occassional readers. ;-D
omg, I feel for you. I think it's because you're in the South?? maybe? I don't know - I live in Canada! haha and in an area where the people are mainly from India - yeah - at least the people you know speak English! haha it's a joke!! (I am Indian as well, I just only know English)
I feel left out all the time too, what can we do?!
Don't fret! I've lived in the land of Jon Jon's my entire life. I see these women everyday that I drop off Tooty at school. Don't worry, there are plenty of "us" around that look at these women with a "Wha?" on our face.
Hang in there - just look for the other people who stare in confusion. I swear there are normal people in the old state of Alabama!
I live in the way-up-north and it's the same way here. The few times we've gone to story time, it's the same thing. Exactly. It's not you - it's the same shit that they did in high school, only now with better clothes. I make my own story time for my kids, and the hell with the snobs.
Matching hairties, workout clothes and sunvisors? Are you sure you do not live in Stepford?
Don't sweat it honey they do not know what a great person they are missing.
From the opposite corner of the state, I'd totally be your Storytime friend and Starbucks friend and happy hour friend and back porch wearing-pjs-hair-in-ponytail-because-its-dirty friend.
I'm in the same boat. I hate my clothes. I'm such a nerd in them. I don't like workout clothes. I like jeans. I hate most of the styles in the stores now. I hate sunvisors.
I also don't know exactly what it takes to make new friends or break into the cliques. And I've lived here most of my life (or very near here, this is technically a new group of people for me to meet within my area.)
ps - The Mighty Hunter won't let me dress Lucky in jon-jons. He calls them sissy-fied.
As my husband said yesterday, I'm "Old Christine". It is nice(?) to know I'm not the only one. Good post and good comments!
I have been a mom for almost five years and I feel that only within the last year have I made a true connection with some other mommies. And now we're talking of moving. I don't want to. It takes too long to make friends and feel comfortable with one another. I feel your pain. I wish you the best of luck. Does your area have a MOMS Club? ECFE? These are great places to start.
I'm not an Alpha-Gap-Crunchy Mama either :-)
Yeah, I remember the early months. I went a new moms support group and was in a funk b/c I didn't feel like I fit in, and another moms group I was in (met at the hopsital where we gave birth) just fizzled away, we never really bonded. But I am glad to say that there were a few moms who I felt a connection with and about one year after we attended the group but lost touch, we re-connected. We don't see each other much, but when we do, it's really nice.
My advice is... try something else! Local parks or playgrounds, take a mom & sibling & baby class.
Go online and search for family-friendly activities/classes in your area. Does your town (or region) have a family network? It's like a social-service agency that offers support and playgroups for families with young kids.
My daughter is 3 1/2 yo, and it was only last year that I had room in my brain to think about my sense of style; I am slowly getting that back. I am really into wearing mini-dresses w/ funky patterns over dark, boot cut denim jeans- love it!
Hang in there, and see you around MM!
i can't tell you how many times i've blogged about this very issue, and how i feel about it. it's like walking into junior high for the first time all over again. and that's deja vu i'd rather skip!
I cannot stand those types at our library story time and always avoid them because doing so, I have had a few come up to me and start talking to me. I was polite, but cut the conversation short. (Thinking...huh, doesn't your own actions make you feel great, you fake gucci girl with your head up your butt). We are out of High School, get over yourself! You are not all that! They have their own issues. We live in a small town, I call it Mayberry and I'm married to Barney, everyone knows everyone's business...
I hear ya. I get it totally! I moved here and really just wanted to click with the other moms because well, why not? we are all there in the same sitch. I really wanted them to engage with me to at the very least, ask me a damn question! I too, have friends, just a phone call away but it's just in us to want to feel comfy in a group. After a year though, I've found my one or two, and get along with the others but quite frankly I've realized, they don't have much to say....... That's why I come to your blog and gobble it up, girl!!
Did I write this post?? It SO could have been me. Although I don't know what jon-jons are.
so crunchy mamas may not be your cuppa tea - but they do tend to rock, and be more open than the rest of the herds. I'd be considered fairly crunchy, but I have friends who live in the burbs, wear lululemon, love to shop and even *gasp* eat meat.
Give the granola mamas a chance - you might be surprised... you might also be shocked at how unbelievably comfy and cute those clothes can be!!
That said, I can feel you - I moved to a new part of town in April and haven't made a real friend since. I'd love to just keep hanging out with my old tribe, but the commute is a bit much.
I always figured that after I got married my days of trying to pick up or be picked up were over - how is it no one warns us of the fierce and sometimes emotionally devastating play-dating scene??
Right there with you, i try parenting groups and never seem to fit in well. For me its an age thing i think , i don't tend to fit in with those my age (to intersted in partying) and those older think im to young. Its not nice when people judge without getting to know you first
Oh dear..that sucks. I think that finding a group with common interests is a start. I have been that mom that felt awkward as well. Who wants to be a Gap mom anyway-their clothes suck..just sayin'. Much love!
I so, so know what you mean.
Thanks for posting this.
It is hard to make mom friends. I've noticed this too. I've tried to chat with moms at the playground, but I clearly don't fit in, either because I'm not dressed right or because we don't have enough money.
And anytime I do find someone who looks friendly, she turns out to be a nanny. Ugh.
First, to thine own self be true.
From the comments that have been posted you can see this is a problem that’s universal, but it may be worse in small towns in general and in small southern towns in particular. But no matter where it is, trying to join a clannish clique from the outside is as difficult as putting toothpaste back in the tube. It’s a fruitless endeavor. And, as others have remarked, you wouldn’t want to associate with a bunch of snobs anyway.
There are probably, even in your small town, at least a few others who are in the same situation you’re in, so when you’re out in public you might keep your eyes open for some other lady who seems to be left out and who would jump at the chance to find a friend in you. Anyone who has moved into the area from elsewhere could fit that description. If you see someone moving in, be one of the first to meet, greet, and welcome them.
Meanwhile, just be thankful for the blessings that you have in your family and your extended family of inernet frieneds of whom you seem to have many.
That question mark at the end of my comment was intended to be a smiley face.
Oh, I know EXACTLY how you feel - and I grew up around here. I joined a Meetup, but I still don't feel like I fit in. Or, more to the point, where are the people I want to fit in with (besides the ones back in Kansas City)? It seems like none of the mommy books mention how hard this part is.
I think they're skeeeered of you! ;)
Ok, for the record, both of my boys have worn jon jons (up to age 3 and only to church or for pictures), my girls have some monogrammed smocked dressed that my mom made and I LURVE. I am only a double name caller when they are trouble though. You would probably think I would fall into the same category as those chicks, but really, I don't. I'm just a penny pinching, sarcastic, fun loving momma. I get the same looks from "them" and simply don't bother anymore. Most of my friends are scattered and I don't have a "core group". Some from the neighborhood, some from church, some from random outings at McDonald's. It takes a while to find mommy friends that you click with. It's just like when you are looking for couple friends and you love the wife, but hate the husband.
I do think it's worse in your neck of the woods. I'm in the burbs of Atlanta, so there are LOTS of transplants here. Did you TELL them you are a yankee, cause that probably didn't help? :P Only kidding.
I wish we lived close to each other. We could totally go to storytime and just chat with each other and posture to the other moms that WE'RE the cool ones, and THEY should BE so lucky to talk to US. heheheh.
Sending you *hugs*
I still consider you to be a very dear friend and wish we could take our kiddos to storytime here in Tulsa together. However, Tanner refuses to sit still for this event so we don't go anymore. A playdate at the park would be great, though. Just know that you & the kids would fit in great here with suburban Tulsa SAHM's ... no stuck-up kids' clothing required. Ashley
Having to make new friends at my age? Isn't there a law against that? There should be, some kind of Mother-Protection Act.
Harrumph.
Been thinking about this myself -- as I strike up conversations with people in my various prenatal classes (swimming, zen birthing -- yes, I know, OH PUHLEAZE, but I live in the Bay Area, and basically, if you can sprinkle Buddhism on it, there's a class scheduled somewhere).
I think really good friends are like husbands -- it takes a lot of time, effort, energy to A) find one, and B) train them. Okay, kidding a bit about the training.
Anyway, I'm just babbling on. Loved your description of the weird weird world you ended up in. Pretty hilarious, if not terribly fun to live through.
I think wanting them to want to know you is right up there as far as big hurts go. I can tell you that for me, on the occasions that they've acted like they wanted to know me, it's still felt false. Sigh. Guess I'm no help. Good luck and you keep him out of those jon-jon things!
Well, 82 people have commented, so I guess there's not much else to say. I think you have to be patient, and be lucky. You have to go to places where the luck might happen. You have to realise that although it looks like everyone else is in the in-crowd, in fact they are probably feeling just like you. As soon as you are in a conversation with another person, the new person walking through the door thinks "why can't I make friends and be like her?" She can't read how you're feeling on the inside.
Even just one or two kindred spirits make a huge difference, and you never know which corner they are waiting around. Or sometimes just plugging away with someone you never think of as a kindred spirit turns them over time into a good friend.
Hey Jennifer!
As a mother of a Mary-Grace, I'm apppalled by your name-cism in this post!!!!
(Just kiddig! ;o)
I feel the same way when I take my 16 month old out to storytimes and other places. We live in the country so I wonder how all these women know each other anyway since there aren't "hang out" places around other than storytime at the library...so did they somehow stop time for a few minutes and become best buds while I wasn't looking? LOL!
I completely understand, as a SAHD the only time one of the mom's on the playground even acknowledge me is when one of their hellions barrels over my child.
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