I'm Sending My Therapy Bill to Parents Magazine
Before I tell you all the gory details included in the the April 2007 edition of Parents magazine, let me just say that I don't have my head in the sand and I'm not a big follower of "ignorance is bliss." It's just that I don't need to know every possible scenario in which harm could come to my child. I worry plenty as it is. Also, I canceled my subscription several months ago, but they keep sending me these damn horror magazines. I feel guilty not reading a magazine that's sitting around and once I start reading, I JUST CAN'T STOP. I desperately want to look away, but I CAN'T.
Let's just take a little tour of the magazine. Page 31, Sippy cup advice. I'm apparently going to rot every tooth out of my child's head because I let him drink juice and milk out of a sippy cup. "Kids should start learning how to use a regular cup at 12 months." Who the hell does this? Am I the only one who's just willing to let those pearly whites rot so as not to have stains everywhere? Strike one against moi.
(Just a mere three pages later) Page 34, "My Son's Hand Got Stuck in a Vacuum Cleaner." Kids + vacuuming = Bad idea. Peanut's almost favorite plaything is the vacuum. Strike two.
Same page...When to Toss It (as in leftovers). Let me just say that I'm a food safety nut. After reading the recommended life spans of several foods, I'm shocked that I haven't sent my family to an early grave with botulism or Bubonic plague. Strike three.
Page 42, Myths related to safety. Holy shit. We can't win. Danger lurks everywhere, even when we're watching them, there's no safety in numbers, they aren't safer at home, helmets don't really prevent injuries...blah, blah, freaking blah. Look, I KNOW how dangerous life is, again, I don't need to know EVERY POSSIBLE WAY my child can (and most likely will) be harmed. Strike four.
Page 79, Best Family Cars. My Honda Pilot didn't make the list so I'm sure it's a death machine. And a gas hog. Strike five and six.
Page 96, Candy or Medicine? Sports drinks look like window cleaner and apple juice looks like air freshener. Luckily, I don't store drinks with cleaners or toys in the medicine cabinet. No strikes against me here!!! Yay! I got one!!!
Page 118, Easter crafts. Only Martha F*cking Stewart would attempt these. Screw you, Parents Magazine. Who has time for these things!? Strike seven. Damn. And I was on a roll.
Alright, you get the picture. I'm not a big fan of Parents magazine. But, I'm an equal opportunity offender and I really despise ALL parenting magazines. They can all kiss my ass.
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Little Monkeys,
Mommydom
15 People are even more brilliant:
Holy crap. My husband and I were just talking about that same issue. I have been getting these parenting mags since I found out I was pregnant (3+ years ago) and they have left me feeling belittled and helpless from day one.
Bless you for writing that. I am not alone.
I recommend burning all types of publications that are like that. It's fun. I've done it. Though here's an insider tip: get the fire roaring BEFORE you put it in the fire instead of trying to start the fire with it.
I think I lean towards ignorance is bliss. Because it doesn't matter what it is out there, it can kill you. Even apples. Well, maybe not ignorance is bliss but that my intuition is better than any expert out there.
I don't generally read Parents magazine since I don't have children, but I've eschewed most "womens" magazines for similar reasons. They lead me to think about things that I just really don't need to, like how perfect I should want to be from my hair down to my feet. Who needs to think about all of that stuff?
Well since I was once known to put coke in a sippie cup. I know I won't win any awards. Parents mag used to actually have stuff in it that was worth reading, who knows what happened to them.
They would probably send me straight back to mommy school if they knew I was still having my 3 1/2 year old drink out of a sippy cup, but until his 2 year old brother can be trusted to either keep his paws off or use a regular cup himself, sippies it shall be. Screw a college fund, I'm starting a therapy fund to combat against all my terrible parenting.
I couldn't agree with you more. Parents Magazine is pure evil. I still have a subscription because my grandmother keeps renewing it for me for Christmas (apparently this mag was her bible 60 years ago when she was raising my mom). The advice back then... give your kid a sip of brandy if they won't go to sleep and make sure to hold your baby tightly if you're going to ride with them in your lap in the front seat of your car. What a freaking joke!
I'M WITH YOU. I don't read any parenting magazines anymore. They're like those news teasers where they say, "Can the contents of a tissue box KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?? More at 11:00." And then the answer, at 11:00, is "no." Except the parenting magazines ALWAYS ANSWER "YES."
Yeah. They suck.
Like we need anymore reasons to be on meds.
You really can't win with 'Parenting' magazines. They either make you feel like you're not living up to some mythologized version of motherhood, or they make you hysterical that your child's hand with be consumed by a Dyson, or they make everything into an 'issue,' thus perpetuating the whole idea of The Mommy Wars.
Ack.
That's why I stick with the trash you'll find in the checkout aisle of the grocery store. It plagues me with a whole different kind of guilt!
Open nearest waste can... insert magazine. Heh.
Oh boy... I love this post. Nothing like a healthy dose of enraged sarcasm to make my evening. Thank YOU! :) the absurdity of our lives continues to astound...
I can't stop reading those magazines either, even when I find myself yelling at them on a monthly basis.
Get Brain,Child instead.
They all suck. This is why I get my advice from bloggers.
Oh, and Cakes is almost two and still using a sippy cup.
Karrie's got the right idea. I started reading Brain, Child a year ago and it is THE BEST parenting mag out there.
I whole-heartedly agree! I've had the same issue with parenting magazines in general!
Well said!
Cate
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