I Should Have Gotten an Epidural
I don't think I can tell Tate that his birthday gift to me was a little, uh, torturous. I'm quite sure there's a bruise in the shape of a thumbprint at the base of my skull as a result of the massacre massage I received on Saturday.
It's been so hard not to complain about the massage. Complainer is my middle name (Jennifer Complainer Playgroupie). Telling him that the massage therapist was quite possibly a masochist would certainly make him feel that his birthday gift to me was a waste.
It wasn't a COMPLETE waste. My toes look fabulous from my pedicure. That's something, at least.
So it all started innocently enough, right. She was a small, friendly-seeming woman. I was greeted with a smile and a lovely pat on the back. Then, I was led to the torture chamber massage room.
I didn't see the vise grips. I had no idea they were coming. She must have had some way of removing her human hands and replacing them with these steel-embedded torture devices.
How does one little woman have that type of super-human strength? How did she think that this deep pressure was relaxing? How did she not notice my gripping the table for dear life?
I did ask her to be more gentle. Apparently our definitions of "gentle" varied. Widely.
I thought of screaming for help, but I feared the repercussions of her vise grips while waiting for help to arrive.
Throughout the massage, I kept my eyes tightly shut, for if I opened them, I knew I'd see a woman dressed in a black rubber suit donning metal studs and a ball gag.
There were a few instances that I enjoyed the massage. Especially the part when she was all finished.
It's now been almost 48 hours since my release from the pits of hell the massage ended. I'm so sore, my muscles in my neck and back ache. Even my skin is sensitive to the touch. Showering is painful. Hopefully I can hold out and let Tate continue to think that I thoroughly enjoyed my massage.
After this, I can handle a few labor pains. At least when you're in labor they'll give you an epidural.
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Lucky Me
21 People are even more brilliant:
That sounds awful! I hope the pain goes away soon. I've always been a little afraid of having a professional massage for that very reason.
I totally had the crap beat outta me on a few massages as well...Hurts so good.
I know it sounds crazy, but I love massages like that! I don't know if I would have liked it when I was pregnant though, every part of me was already sore and achy. I hope the effects of it wear off soon, at least Tate meant well.
Oh my gosh girl, you need to call them and complain. When I had my one massage experience, it was great.
I've never had a massage quite that painful--but what is interesting to me is why we don't speak up more assertively (and more than once if necessary). After all, who wants to pay for something that isn't enjoyable? But yet I've laid there and done the same thing.
This was my 4th massage...before this one they'd all been fantastic. Also, the massage therapist asked how much pressure I liked.
As far as being assertive, I don't know why I wasn't more forceful in saying that I wasn't enjoying the massage. I'm kicking myself!
I've had one massage in my life. The first and last. It sounded eerily similar to your's...
That sounds horrible. I think I will let that gift certificate that I have for a massage get lost on my desk!
freaking OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!ch!
i hate when that happens! i hate when they freaking bruise the crap out of you... makes me think they don't know wtf they're doing!
At the beginning of the massage, did she ask what type of massage you wanted? I always say "a very gentle one". And you can absolutely speak up during the massage and ask them to ease up-you are paying them, after all! Sorry you are still sore (*passes the Easter chocolate*)
That just sounds horrible. I've only had one professional massage and it was fabulous. I've always wanted to go again. I think I'm definately a person who likes a more gentle massage though. You should feel refreshed after... not like you've been beat up.
Oh Jennifer!
That sounds absolutely horrible. Who would have thought the nice little woman could have caused such pain.
Hope your feeling better!
Yikes, I've usually had to ask for harder. Maybe I'll go visit your lady. ;-)
That is terrible - a massage gone wrong is a terrible thing!
At the risk of sounding snobby, there is nothing worse than a bad massage. Perhaps having wine spilled on my mink coat, but other than that, nothing. Seriously though, that sounded like it hurt a lot! And I agree with Beckie, at least Tate tried!
Yikes! Good thing she didn't get any contractions started! I think you need extra chocolate to make up for it.
Dana, don't lose your gift certificate, just have bigger nuts than me and speak up if you don't like it!!!
And Beckie and Brandy...it was a VERY thoughtful gift!
That is truly sucky. A massage is supposed to make it all go away, not give you a few more problems to deal with.
Oh, you poor thing! That must have been so disappointing!
That sounds awful! I've heard of other people having bad massage experiences like that, which has kept me from having one myself! I hope the pain goes away for you soon!
ok, she wasn't a masochist, she was a sadist. LOL Get the terms straight! LOL
As for the death massage, that sucks - I would totally call and complain - I'm sure he paid nice money for it, and for you to have had such an unfortunate...time...sucks!
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