Sugar and Spice and Everything I Hope For
I'm going to be a Mother of a daughter in the next few weeks. I feel an overwhelming sense of the responsibility that lies ahead.
I never pictured myself as the Mother of a daughter. When my husband and I started the discussions about starting a family, I imagined myself to be the Mother of two boys.
My girlfriends have always thought I was odd for wanting boys. "Don't you want to buy all the frilly dresses and have somebody to go shopping with?", they would ask.
I fear girls. My own relationships as a child, and now as an adult with other females are so complicated. We have PMS, cramps, crying spells, attitude, and drama.
When I found out that I was pregnant with a girl, I did start thinking about the dresses, tea parties, spa trips, and shopping excursions.
But having grown up as a female, I know that dresses and shopping are those fleeting moments in life. There is so much more that I have to do to raise a daughter.
I certainly have hopes and worries about raising my son. However, having never been a boy or a man, I don't know the intricacies of the male perspective on feelings, relationships, or self-esteem.
In my childhood, I experienced so many difficult friendships, bullying, defeat, self-doubt, and fear. I know that for Petunia, I won't always be able to protect her from others, but I hope to protect her from herself.
I hope that I can instill in her a love for herself. I want her to look in the mirror and see somebody beautiful. I don't want to transfer my own self-image issues. I hope that I can teach her what a real woman looks like, unairbrushed and blemished. I hope I can teach her how to deflect harsh words.
I hope that I can teach her courage. There are so many opportunities in life I hope that she will pursue because she has the bravery. I hope to be able to help her silence that voice in her head that tells us "it's too hard" or "you can't do it." Because, yes she can.
I hope that she will learn to feel empathy. I hope she will learn how to forgive. When others are hurting, I hope that she will choose to help and not be one to kick them further down. When she is hurt, I hope that she can realize other's mistakes, but move past them.
I hope that she will grow to be independent, but allow others to guide her and assist her when needed. I hope she will learn when to ask for help.
I hope that I can teach her to perservere. When she doesn't succeed at something, I hope to help her try again. And again. I've known defeat and let it win. I want her to know defeat and beat it.
I hope that her self-worth will be based on her accomplishments and successes. A man (or significant other) in her life should not be a determining factor in how happy she can be. I hope that she will remember her friends and not give them up for a temporary relationship.
I hope that she sees how her Father loves me. She should know that true love is safe and it doesn't hurt.
I hope she will know how much she is loved. We are her family. Always.
She needs me. She needs me because I've been there and felt that hurt and felt the joys.
I hope that I'm up for the challenge. I hope that I can accept her for who she becomes.
Cross posted at http://indiebloggers.org
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Mommydom
28 People are even more brilliant:
Awww..You'll do fine Jen, really.
And it's funny you mention the shopping trip and cute clothes, you just might end up with one like mine who doesn't like to shop, could care less about clothes and adores all things Pokemon. Girly-girl she is not ;) Thats the beauty of being a monther, watching them grow and turn into everything you never expected.
This is such a beautiful post.
I know you'll be all those things Jen...you're a great mom!
I worry about daughters more than sons, too. And I don't think about future shopping/spa stuff, because so many daughters don't get along with their moms like that. But the baby clothes are WAY cuter, and that counts for SOMETHING. I'm storing that up for later, when she's thirteen and has turned into something I can hardly stand to deal with.
I shouldn't have read this before my first full cup of coffee. It most definately brought tears to my eyes. As the mother of a daughter that will enter the teen years in less than 2 months, I worry about all of these things also. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with her and I can definately see her and I being as close as my mother and I are. Just stay strong and be a mother first and then a friend and you will do just fine. It sounds like you know exactly what you want in your relationship with your daughter, so just nurture that (and her, of course).
I know exactly how you feel. When I found out Stinkerbell was a girl, I hate to admit, I was disappointed. I was afraid of having a girly girl and unable to relate and do her hair and deal with the clothes obsession and the IMMENSE peer pressure to be just SO. I was honestly afraid of all that.
I guess I'm still afraid she'll become a Mean Girl, but I realize her personality is not one that will likely develop into that. Thank You Baby Jesus!
Now when I found out that Lucky would be a boy, I was again a little disappointed. Stinkerbell is SOOOO much fun. She's just the right mix of tomboy and girly girl for me. I was hoping I'd have another one like her.
But as for how I feel about my babies. I do feel differently about them. I am still becoming aware of my feelings for Lucky and his future and his life. It's him being a boy that makes it "strange" for me. But, for Stinkerbell, I feel exactly what you said - Hope.
I've just never been able to express my HOPES for her as eloquently as you did.
As for you getting close to Dooce, I've never read her blog (I KNOW! How could I be more of a LOSER!). But you're in my Google Reader and one of the first I check out.
Thanks for putting me on your bloglistthingy. Is that from Google Reader? You'll have to tell me how you did it. BooMama has the same thing and I covet it.
Awwwww....loved this post. And am a titch jealous because I will never get to have the experience of raising a girl.
You about made me cry! I feel the same way about raising Taylor. You will do fine!!
very sweet. I love little girls but it's scary because they turn into teenage girls (HELP!) so I'm glad to just have a boy. :)
You will do wonderfully. I think Petunia is lucky to have a mom like you!
Having a boy first, I was also afraid when it came to having a girl. Yes, the baby clothes are MUCH more fun, that's for sure. But then, when I got prenant for a 3rd baby, I was a bit relieved that it was another boy - boys I can do. Boys I know. This GIRL is still foreign to me in so many ways - but its also something I'm SO GLAD I have to work with, through and sometimes battle unlike what I've gone through with her older brother. We as mothers, I think, have more of a responsibility to our daughters than our sons in imparting the knowledge we've learned the hard way. I'm sure you'll do a great job because you KNOW you have to do it. :)
Love that post..
And it's the reason why I make my relationship with my daughter so intricate.
You are already doing her justice by recognizing yourself and your hopes.
Yay you.
oh i think you'll do a spectacular job!
also, i think you should save this. print it out, and put it in a safe spot. when she's old enough, let her read it and have it be a special thing between just the two of you.
me, too.
me, too.
when my sis and i bitch about my mother, i try to remember than in a few (teen) years my girl will be a catty bitch just like my sister and i.
My daughter is almost 12. She is starting to act , well, like a teenager. She has always been very sensitive but she has gotten more so in the last year. She is a lot like me in that she won't take a lot of bull from anybody..and it took me a lot of years installing self confidence in her. Girls are tough. But my sweety has a heart of gold. Oh, to have that childhood innocence again!
Lovely..
What I am finding with having a girl the second time around was that all the girly things are so novel and so 'different'...
I have forgotten about being a little girl myself.
I have been so immersed in boy stuff and teaching my boy to be a good human being and deal with hot wheels and dinosaurs all day long.
Now I am faced with a little girl feeding her baby dolls and asking to be pretty!
That's so freaking beautiful Jen! Seriously. I don't have kids but I was reading along going 'oh me too! i want that too for my kids!'. You did an excellent job of capturing everything a mom could ever want to give their child. Well done!
Very touching post! I am the mom of boys and hope to one day have a girl. But like you, they scare me! I have always thought, "What if she is like ME?" Now that is scary.
Thanks for the great post J!
Jennifer - You are not alone. I had many of these thoughts while pregnant with Elise. I've had the beginnings of a similar post that I've been working on for awhile. The fact that you are aware of your own thoughts and concerns about yourself means you will give your absolute best to Petunia. And when you lock eyes for the first time, you'll see that the love between a mother and daughter is like no other. You'll be fine. I'll be thinking of you in the next couple of weeks, hoping for a smooth delivery and a wonderful adventure with your growing family.
I thought I was the only one! When I found out that #2 was going to be a girl, I was less than thrilled. I wanted two boys. No girls. Girls scare me, especially teenage girls. I feel that the responsibility of having a girl is so great, and the possible hurts, etc. are all but inevitable.
And then eClaire showed up. She wasn't as cute as BC was when he was born, she had baby acne for a month, her nose was smashed etc. And to top it off, she looked like my in-laws! Not the adorable girl I was hoping for.
But something strange happened. She got RSV at two weeks old, and all my doubts and fears changed. This was my little girl. I loved her! She cuddles with me, imitates everything I do, and wants nothing more than to be in my arms or by my leg at all times of the day. We are already so close.
So I realized that all I can do is be the best me I can, especially since she is watching my every move. I'm working on my confidence, following my intuition, on my physical health, and my attitude. Oh Lord, I have a long way to go. But it's worth it, isn't it? Somehow I have to raise this little beauty to be a strong, confident young lady who can stand on her own.
Jennifer, although I'm sure you already know this, when Petunia shows up, and you have a few months to really get to know her, you'll laugh at the though of ever wanting two boys.... I know I do!
Can't wait to see pictures.
Great post! I already have my Zoe... and I worry about these things. I'm much more worried about her pre-teen and teen years than I am about most of her childhood. I figure we've got time to prepare (an pray that all the "adult" clothes that they market for little girls will go out of style) before I need to have deal with a teenage girl!
You've already got it right, but if you still feel like you need more there's a bazillionty books on the subject of mothers and daughters, I've read them all.
sheesh.
I came back to say you should print this out and save it to show Petunia one day, but brookem beat me to it.
Great post!
Girls are great. You will love being her mom!
You definitely need to put this post in her baby book...absolutely beautiful!
My girls are very low maintenance, compared to my son (unfortunately, he's the one that's taken after mom).
I'm so excited for you!
Beautiful post.
Lovely! How very lucky your little girl is to have a mom who's already so in tune with what she's going to need.
On the very shllow side though: Buying little girl clothes? So much fun.
Wow, I've felt that too --- meaning sometimes I'd just like to have all boys --- but it's because I doubt my role-modeling ability to females (I've made some - um - questionable choices).
God must trust you to be a Mom to both a girl AND a boy ... so take your blessing and be confident He'll help you be all you need to be, when you need to be it, to your (His) children.
Ashley
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