Bow Chanka Bow Bow

First off, Mom, Dad, any family members reading, and Jesus, you may want to not read about my lack of sex life. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Okay, are we all clear that I'm going to talk about sex? Whew. I'm nervous and totally blushing. I can't believe I'm so embarrassed! At least this didn't happen to me. Snort!

Okay. Deep Breath. Here goes.

I want to get me some. And to make it really great, I'd like it to be drunk sex. You know, the uninhibited, really fun kind.

I know, I know, this is a weird thing to hear from a 3 week post-birth, breastfeeding mom to a colicky baby and tantrumy (is that a word?...well it is now) boy. My husband, sweet, dear Tate, has been so incredible these past 6 weeks (don't forget about The Attack of the Kidney Stone) that I'm feeling all sweet on him. Actually, I'm feeling all warm and tingly for him.

There's nothing like a "honey, what can I fix you for dinner" or "do you want the laptop?" or "here, babe, you take control of the clicker"* to get me ready for the sweet, sweet love. *Except on Wednesday nights...Modern Marvels is on. Nothing stops this man from getting his Modern Marvels fix.

Unfortunately, there's a few hitches in my "action" plan. The size E boobies are still ever so ouchy and the, uh, girly parts down below have not fully returned to normal. Oh yeah, I also have a very unsexy, jiggly stomach with thunder thighs to match. I am HAWT! Sorry, hope I didn't make anyone hurl with the possible visual I may have put into your head.

It doesn't help that everywhere I turn, there are phallic symbols and sexual references. The other day at the airport there was a GIANT phallic symbol looking very happy to be welcoming all those arriving in Mobile. And Peanut's new Elmo bathtub fishing pole looks exactly like a giant man part, except that it's blue, yellow, and green. (I certainly hope that there aren't any real man parts that are blue, yellow, and green...ewww.) And the Dick and Jane book that Peanut demands to be read to him 758 times a day, has way too many sexual innuendos for a kiddie book. "Dick said, Oh! Oh!" And how did I never notice before that the Volvo symbol is the male symbol?

I suspect that by the time my body is healed and available for sex, my mind will have wandered on to other obsessions.

This, too, shall pass.