The One Hour Parent
Tate works long hours. He is gone before the kids get up and doesn't return until dinnertime, leaving him only about an hour to spend time with them. He is a terrific Father to our children. He looks forward to spending his evenings with the kids, although he is very apparently relieved when they go to bed. I am also relieved when they go to bed since I spent the past 12 hours with them and am in need of a break.
Earlier this week, Tate pointed out my lack of patience with Carson. This after a day filled with screaming and tantrums. I can imagine that when he sees me lose my temper with Carson it seems harsh. Since their time together is limited, he doesn't have to deal with Carson's behaviors all day. His annoyance when I lose my temper is understandable, but is certainly not appreciated.
In the hour he spends with Carson each day, he gets to be the "fun" parent. They get to wrassle and play. He rarely encounters the tantrums in this precious evening hour. The nature of my role as a stay-at-home Mom means that I deal with more behaviors, I don't have time to play and be fun all day. However, being told by the "one hour parent" after a particularly rough day that I shouldn't lose my temper, doesn't sit well with me.
Bedtime responsibilities are another point of contention. The childrens' ability to go to bed and stay asleep is of utmost importance to Tate. When one of the kids has trouble going to bed, however, he becomes incensed. This is especially true with Ella, who many nights needs to be held or patted before she'll fall asleep. Knowing that I've dealt with the kids all day, Tate will offer to take over for the evening. Most times, though, I end up having to go and rescue him because he's completely lost his patience. Amazing how after a grueling day with the kids, I'm not allowed to lose my patience, but he can't hack his one hour of parental responsibilities.
He's always looking for an immediate solution when Ella can't sleep. Tate is quick to assume that she has gas, is hungry, is sick, or is just being difficult. Most times, he mutters under his breath that "she's never going to fall asleep until you feed her again."
Ah, yes. Use the old breastfeeding card. Use my magic boobs to shut her up. It does certainly work and would most definitely alleviate Tate's responsibility. However, I don't care for being told to feed her just to quiet her.
I am eternally grateful that Tate works outside the home and that I have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home Mom. I also completely understand the responsibilities of his job which require long hours away from home. I am both jealous of and annoyed at his role as the "one hour parent". How nice it must be that he gets to do the fun parenting and that I am the only parent in the house that seems to have the magic ability to quiet our infant.
I wish that he could just learn to cope during his one hour of parenting as I do all day. Every day.
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Men?
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My dh is definitely the "fun parent" here too.
oh my god, yes. This sounds like my husband. He hasn't been made to get up with our daughter once, not ONCE in 10 months, and now I wonder if I just created a monster who will never help out enough. And god help him if I leave her with him for more than 20 minutes if she's awake. His line is "I just can't handle it. I almost just put her in the crib and left her there." Yeah? So? I'm with this little girl 24/7, and you can't "handle" a bloody hour?
And why do they think what we're doing is easy? He gets annoyed when I say my day was hard. Told me I was complaining too much. I'm sorry, it IS hard, and I AM tired, and don't act like I shouldn't be. And I just realized I could go on forever on this subject. Whoops.
I could just copy this to my blog and change the names. It is sooo my story, too! They just don't get it and never will, unless they stay at home full time - unassisted by their wives - for a few months.
If I complain, hubby says, "But I work all day". He just works for a paycheck, I work for love. And will kill him and collect his insurance the next time he says that!
Misery does love company so I do feel better after reading this.
yes, a lot of this sounds the same to me. Hubby is wonderful and helps out but is only home for an hour with them. After a few vacations and some weekends, he has realized the craziness I deal with, with our older . His patience has waned overall as well and i feel like saying WAIT you do this so little and you lose it ?? and dont' even get me started on the b/feeding !!
I think you hit a nerve with this one. I'm constantly trying to strike a balance between my responsibilities and Ed's. In a lot of ways, I think it's easier with both of us working full time. Our problem is that we have such different parenting styles. I don't like his (he's also terribly inpatient, and expects too much from a toddler) and he doesn't like mine. It's going to be even tougher when we have another and the kids get older. I guess there's no magic bullet, huh? Hang in there! And keep those communication lines open. Resentment is a bad thing when it festers!
Are we married to the same man?
My husband completely tizzes himself out about bedtime, it's a riot. I have been instructed not to allow naps during the day so they will just go happily into their rooms and shut the door and go to sleep. HHHAAA. Like that would happen, but after six years he keeps expecting it.
(((HUGS)))
Sometimes they just don't understand.
Amen, sister.
My hubby's come around a bit the last couple of years, but I've lived this.
Hugs to you, hope you can find middle ground.
We have a similar dynamic in our house. Which is why I'm outta here at 7pm next Wednesday on a moms night out :)
Really, do you have a camera on our house? Oh how I love blogs, and reading that we are not alone on this planet called parenthood.
Keep them coming.
Amen sister. The hubs idea of putting the kids to bed is literally to just put them to bed. Pajamaa? nah cant be bothered Brush Teeth? nah they can do it in the morning Bath? their not that dirty.
That totally happens here.
Every night.
And I'm the bad guy when it comes to losing patience...I don't get it.
Great! I love your post Jen- it's oh SO true!
Last night I was working when IV came home- LATE- and I made him take care of IV for ~2 hours!!!
He's still in a bad mood this morning. And he wonders why I NEVER do the dishes.....
Sending you sympathy and empathy and hoping you can think of a soultion!
Thanks for this. Are we living in the same house?
My most annoying memory of the one-hour-parent phenomenon was when Jay and I both worked full-time, but I was still doing most of the child care work (shocking, I know). One day we were running late for work (his fault, not the child's) and I was trying to get her dressed while she ran away from me. He watched in silence while I basically tackled her to get her dressed so we could get out the door. Then he had the nerve to offer me advice in the car about how I could have better handled it and how I "escalated the situation." Luckily, since then he has a better understanding about how frustrating the kids can be and since he values his very life, hasn't said anything like that ever again.
*sits starry eyed staring at the screen*
That will never happen to me. That will never happen to me.
While I don't get to complain about my husband being the one hour parent (just engaged), due to financial difficulties last year both kids and I moved in with my parents. Grandma gets to be the one hour parent. And while she loses her cool when my 9 and 6 year old boys refuse to listen, she can't for the life of her understand why I'm snapping at them for the hundredth time when she walks in the door from work. Hmmm...telling them NOT to wrestle all day tends to get a bit repetitive.
Maybe try to pump some milk and leave him with both of them for a Saturday...all day...and then mention to HIM that he shouldn't lose his patience when you see it happening later that night (and you KNOW you will ).
Wendy...mom of 2 boys that never slept through the night until they were 16 months
Tony is the same way. Always telling me "don't get so upset, it's not his fault!"
I don't care whose freaken fault it is, I can be as mad as I want when I've been dealing with Sir Cranks-a-lot for 12 hours and just want to cry when he won't go to sleep.
Some days I beg to trade places with my husband. Wouldn't it be nice to go to a nice clean office and talk to coherent adults all day? I usually go off duty when he gets home. It's annoying though, if he takes the kids somewhere (we have 3) and I am staying home or going somewhere else, he always asks me to help him put the kids in the car...yeah cuz I never have to put the kids in the car by myself. He has gotten more appreciative since I left him home with the children for a whole day. He was begging to go to work.
Ok, just so you know - I was already hitting your link by the 2nd paragraph because I KNEW I had a comment on this!
and no, it's more than 12 hours, honey - we're 24 hour moms. Who hears that baby in the middle of the night? Us. Whose momdar is going 24/7 - OURS.
F8cking men and their "father knows best" attitudes. When they sit their asses at home all day (which mine insists he'd be able to do in a heartbeat) and feed, change, clothe, clean, entertain, feed, change, clothe, entertain all the freakin day - and NOT complain?
I'll be a millionaire.
yeah, you could say you hit a nerve with this post LOL
YES! At least a few times a day I just look at him and say "GET A GRIP." Because SOMEONE has to have one and I get tired of it always being me.
This is one of the things we discuss over and over and over - in preparation for bringing the kid(s) home!
Right now I'm worried less about sharing the workload than I am about our kid(s) really getting TIME with their Dad. Fun time, learning time, and slacking time.. An hour here and there is all well and good, but.. y'know? Totally not ideal. I want the kid(s) to KNOW their Dad!
(I will switch to the workload concerns once the kids are here and I'm losing my mind..of course!)
I think this is universal. So friggin' universal...so as Amanda says, thanks for shining the spotlight so other moms don't feel so bad.
I have to say, in general, that my husband has my back, but it's been a bit of a long road. With two (ages 4 and 21 months) he can finally see that what I do all day is monumental, and that when both of the children are alive when he walks in the door, I've done just fine. But it's taken a while to get there. For sure.
Sounds like OE's been coming to your house every night... Although, he's getting a better picture since he's been around more lately, but he still makes comments all of the time that I'm so lucky to stay with her ALL of the time. While I agree that I'm lucky to be able to be a stay at home mom, it definitely takes more out of a person than most men realize. And then on the rare occasions Charity does stay with daddy, it's such a novelty that she's good all day. Which does NOT help when I try to explain what it's like to be with her 24/7!
I totally understand. DH was that way for a loong loong time until I flipped out on him one day. Even then he still feels that being at work does not constitute "away time" from babyhead...at least until babyhead decides to throw a tantrum on the weekend when DH is home all day...and I leave him to it. When Dh complains I just tell him that he just has to figure it out just like I have to and deal with it...though sleepy time is a lot easier now that babyhead is 2.5 yrs old and in his own bed in his own room...
Men...
I think that we are living parallel lives.
Ralph even had the nerve to say 'no wonder the Bug has tantrums' once when I lost my temper with the little guy. I'm pretty sure steam came out of my ears on that one.
I think our dh's need some extended time alone with their kids.
I hate it when my husband loses his patience with our kids after he has been home for 30 minutes. At least it took me until 4pm to lose my patience!
Oh you SO nailed it. I often wonder, when Jay gets home and has already lost his patience within 15 minutes with CJ, HOW DO YOU LOSE YOUR PATIENCE WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN HERE??? Very annoying.
So I won't repeat the comment about Tate and my husband being separated at birth (our children's births that is), but I hope it makes you feel better to know that yours is such a common story.
Sometimes it feels like everyone else's husband does more, gets up earlier and helps, knows things like, uh, their child's teacher's name. (Mine didn't until around January!)
So here's what I propose...that one hour he's "ON" is your hour OFF that you spend browsing a store child-free, having a cocktail with a girl friend, or just sitting in your car in the driveway reading a book. Oh, being alone in the car is also a perfect time to do a primal scream. I swear I've done it, it feels awesome!
Thanks for linking my "True Lies" post--you're great!
Oh wow. So it's not just me? I'm sending this to Daddy Bean right now and telling him that this is why I don't lift my eyes from my Sunday paper, or leave my coffee to get cold, while he is up to his ears in Beans. Thank you!
I have to say that USUALLY hubby is very good about this, it's my mother that can't understand why I want a break "so often" (that would be my monthly book club meeting), it's not like I have a job.
This from a woman who fears giving both kids a bath without my father and me around to help.
Neil is definitely the "fun parent" in our home. You so nailed it! He's more of a two hour parent, since the kids get up so early, but even so. He has so much trouble understanding my lack of patience. I'm really, really looking forward to him watching the girls for four days while I go on a trip.
Hee hee hee...
Oh my god, this post is so painfully true and familiar. I don't like being told off by someone who just comes in at the 9th inning, either; and I hit the ceiling if he loses his temper when he only has to hold onto it for such a short time.
AAAA-men sistah! And you put is so eloquently. My complaints would be terrible riddled with some f's and s-heads.
You hit a nerve because I really think that this is something that just about every stay at home mom goes through.
I think you have to say something to him. I really do.
It's what I had to do because I knew that it was going to eat at me and eat at me; it made me bitter towards Tucker and came very close to making me bitter at Cara.
Sit him down and tell him what's on your mind.
(hugs)
You know, when I got a job part time in the evening (just 1-2 nights a week)it was the best thing that ever happened to David and the kids. He gets to walk in my shoes, me in his. It's been so good for all of us- he is a better father, he has a closer relationship with the girls, they love their "daddy night" rituals, I respect him more for handling things while I'm gone, he respects me more for what I do during the day, I understand what it's like to work and then come home to a mess etc, etc, etc.
I realize our arrangement is unique and usually not possible. Finding that balance and mutual respect is the hardest job of co-parenting, I think.
Kudos for bringing up a hard topic for all of us moms!
AMEN!! I could have written that exact thing myself! I do not take criticism very well from someone who does not do what I do all day long!
Amen to the mom who wrote about her mom's night next week. I'm with her!
Just this morning I jumped down my husband's throat (by texting, no less) because his alarm woke me up...AGAIN!! 5 am so he can go work-out. He was so scared of me that he texted back he'll take the kids tonight. Yeah, right! Like you, I have to save him. Or maybe I'm just saving the kids :)
Great post.
You've been to my home, then? You hit the nail on the head, sistah.
I've lived this. Especially after our third was born. By the time Hubby walked in the door at 5pm, I would be a raving lunatic!
Eventually, after some much needed "alone times" for me and a chance for Hubby to have the boyz alone for extended periods, he is now much more sympathetic.
And the two of us also have the understanding with each other that when one of us does something dissimilar to the way the other person would do it, that "it's not wrong, it's just different". That way, we're not condemning each other's parenting styles.
And I have been known to prolong my trips to the store when it's bath/bedtime, just so he can do it all alone.
While I'm not an SAHM , I can absolutely understand. This would frustrate me too.
I love the suggestions of getting out and going for a drive or even better having a moms night once a week or every two weeks.
Or maybe you can get a sitter and go out together during the week and both blow off some steam /vent/talk etc.
{{hugs}}
For a while I had it totally worse... my hubby was the SAHD *and* the fun parent. Talk about giving me an inferiority complex.
Kidding aside, I totally hear where you are coming from.
AMEN! I couldn't feel your pain more! My husband devised a new approach to bedtime and then said, "You know, the bulk of the responsibility in follow-thru on this is going to be you, because they like you better." By bedtime I'm exhausted and short on patience. Without his help the new bedtime approach was screwed. So I devised a new one: he sleeps on the couch WITH the kids. Problem solved! (Ok. So I'm not this bitter. Well, maybe a little bit...)
Are you in my head?
If you are, wanna share a cookie?
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
mmm hmmm.
That's right.
UH! CAN I GET AN AMEN!
I feel your pain. When my Hubby is home, he is usually great at helping with the kids. Altho he gives me the same grief about patience. Our problem is he's never here! He deployed for a year a month after we moved into our new home. I swear I think I'm going to have to "disappear" for about a week after he gets home.
I think perhaps you should try out the magical boob effect on Tate. As in, "You won't be seeing or touching these magical boobs until you straighten up Mister!"
It's hard getting that balance. Just when I think we find it, it disappears again. It HAS gotten better though since my hubby has spent some alone time with the kids. Whenever he needs a does of reality, I line up a girls' night out!
brilliant post. absolutely brilliant.
Oh, and the magic boobs? That's totally my husband.
He thinks that "whipping them out" as he likes to call it, will solve every problem.
I married to one of those also. He's gotten better since we are outnumbered by 4 kids.
LOVE this post!! I don't know how many times I've heard "I don't have boobs" as the excuse from my husband.
You're such a good parent. I ALWAYS used the breastfeeding card. Unless of course even that wasn't working.
We are officially the same person. Hell, I even posted this a while back (I thin it's called "Are you a playah? or something wherein I try to be hip). Anyway, my GOD, YES. That's my life to a tee. Except the boobs, because mine suck, but it seems Baby O will cause Mr. Flinger to be irritated to the hills in about twelve minutes but I've been soothing all effing day.
Yeah, I'll second this, (or fifty-third it, as the case may be) it's really tough to get that sense of frustration across to someone who just doesn't see the whole 24-hours-a-day picture. And thank God that the nursing stage doesn't last forever. I can't even imagine how insane I would be right now if that part had just kept going!
I know what you mean about appreciating the opportunity to stay at home, but at the same time being a little jealous that your husband gets breaks. It seems like my life has changed SO much since Little Elvis was born, while parts of Bob's life are just like they always were. I miss getting to just go out with friends or go somewhere for more than a few minutes without worrying that my baby is hungry.
I hate the breastfeeding solution. Ugh.
Ugg i sometimes swear we live the same lives. DH gets so annoyed at me sometimes for getting frustrated at the kids and its normally ends up getting rebounded back at him. Let them try and put up with 24 hour wine - ing FROM TWO KIDS.
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