Sippin' on Gin and Juice
So I was obviously feeling pretty low yesterday. Had a really stressful, no-naps-for-Shel weekend. Thanks for your support and no-advice comments yesterday. It's truly nice to know I'm not the only one.
I did leave for a while Sunday afternoon. I drove around for an hour or so, listening to songs that reminded me of anything besides my children. Mostly, I listened to songs from my college days and was able to feel nineteen again, eventhough it was temporary. It was nice to remember the days when my biggest stress in life was a midterm or where I was going to get a fake ID or why that cute boy hadn't called me yet.
The music was loud, bass thumping. I was that annoying car whose music you can hear when stopped at a red light. I sang as loudly as I could, making up words where I'd forgotten the real lyrics. Smashing Pumpkins, 1979, N'sync, I want you back (shut up), Lady Marmalade, Independent Women, Snoop Dogg...It helped while it lasted.
I cried most of the way home, knowing I was really going back. Driving far away, getting a hotel room sounded pretty tempting.
Admitting how far I've fallen has made me feel unbelievably vulnerable. Pushing publish on yesterday's post left me feeling regretful, but also somehow better.
Let's talk about the giant elephant surrounding my post...Post Partum Depression. I know you're all thinking it, as I did receive emails from many of you.
One week ago, I began taking birth control pills. I have a history with going bat shit crazy on BC pills and it took trying several different types to find the right kind for me. Prior to taking these pills, I did feel stressed, but it wasn't anything that I couldn't handle. I certainly didn't feel the need to escape. I don't want to dismiss the possibility of PPD, but I do suspect these pills are playing a leading role in my sudden inability to feel joy, make decisions, and general feeling of being overwhelmed. That coupled with a newborn who flat out refuses to nap makes for a very weepy and crazy me.
I'm taking myself off the BC pills. In one week if I'm not significantly better, I'm calling my Ob/Gyn and getting help. Also, I'm going to start leaving my house, alone, with no children. I've been pumping milk so that I can actually leave Shel behind.
Thanks again everyone for caring enough to comment. Your support is something I need. Knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings makes me feel less vulnerable and crazy.
Labels:
confession,
my stream of consciousness
36 People are even more brilliant:
You know, I completely forgot you'd started taking the pill, that would have been my first guess too if I'd remembered. I am a raging bitch on hormones, seriously, it was BAD.
I'm glad you've got a game plan, and I hope you start to feel better.
I can't take the pill because it makes me turn into a mad woman.
I'm glad that you got out of the house for a little while. You definitely need some "ME" time. What about asking Tate for a gift certificate for a massage? Oh think about the tension leaving your body!
BC pills do the same thing to me. It 'aint pretty. I'm glad you got some away time though. I've been where you are right now and I know how tempting it is sometimes to just leave. Just be done. Just get some friggin sleep for once!
Hang in there.
Much love to you BB
You know I'll pull out my thang and dust it off again ANYTIME you need it.
My offer always stands for you.
Oh, man! BCPs are the worst. I'd guess that that probably has a lot to do with it. Hopefully you'll be feeling more yourself again soon. And if not... well, maybe we can both run away to Mexico.
Chemistry is a bitch, huh? Hope you get it figured out soon. I just want you to know how much your blog (and all the commenters) means to me. I have carried around so much guilt for not enjoying my son's first 3 months of life, and it's a Godsend to me to read how common and normal it really is. It makes me jealous of those f-ing women who call the early months "delicious" and seem to have no issues at all. But I think they're few and far between. Keep us posted. And keep pumping!
Pill make me crazy too, and give me whopping headaches. I refuse to be on them ever again.
I'm so glad you have a plan. I'm so glad you got to jam in your car, and cry too! (Did you listen to Sir Mix Alot? Vanilla Ice? I'm smiling just typing that,)
Hang in there. Oh, and I was going to say that, while I love me some Vitimin Z (Zoloft), I think it does make me cry less. My emotions are much more stable, and I don't feel flat or anything, but I also don't cry much. Hmmmm. While this is definitely better than feeling completely insane, I'm wondering if it's healthy to never cry....
PS. Let's give it up for blogging as therapy! =) It's so healthy for us to be able to write and then have the "I hear ya's", isn't it? Whoot-whoot.
Good for you for taking some time for yourself!
loved yesterday and today's blog-- don't regret posting anything honest--it makes us all feel better knowing we aren't alone. I had PPD this time for 5wks and i had never felt that way w/ my other two kids--just like you described. I really need to post about it on my blog if i can ever find the time again. Pumping milk and getting a little alone time did help like you said, but you have to come home at some point and I felt just the same as you, my home had somehow turned into a trap--it's a horrible feeling and you hate to admit it. I could go on and on--all to say--you're not alone and it will pass...whether drugs or time :)...but it will pass.
Something I like to get--though it's even harder than time out of the house--is time IN the house, but BY MYSELF. Sometimes I don't want to have to leave, I want EVERYONE ELSE to leave. I want the quiet house to myself.
Thelma and Louise,anyone? :0) I almost got one of those music cards the other day that said "i keep pushing the ESCAPE button and nothing happens" then you open to hear "there's nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide"--i had to get it for a friend of mine---we are all in somewhat of the same boat and it's so great to have a space to share--Thanks again! hangin'on by a thread~kim
Thinking of you. If I lived closer I would totally come and help you out (with the kids, with supplying alcohol, whatevah.)
Pinks & Blues Girls package is on its way!
Good for you posting this! I love driving around while escaping from the husband and son for a while.
Have you tried an IUD? I really loved mine! They're fab!
I agree with the pills. They didn't make me crazy but they had an impact on my moods anyway...hence I am no longer on them either.
I do know of some friends who never took the pill bc of the side effects you have described. You are probably right on the money with them..especially since post baby body doesn't react the same as pre baby.
Go off em if you have to. No reason to feel miserable if it is as simple as getting rid of a pill.
**hugs**
oh dude, yeh. i missed out on reading yesterday...and i am sorry i wasn't there to add to the chorus at your back, but i had a very similar experience after going back on the pill when O was about two months old. i dropped it after a month, and my world was saner. i was saner.
i still wanted gin & juice some mornings at about ten, but i was less overwhelmed, overall. :)
the plans you've put in place seem wise to me...i think you're doing a good job in the middle of a maelstrom, Jen.
and you know it will calm. it's just so hard to hang in there in the meantime...but do. 'kay? and drop those pills.
I'm so glad to hear you got some time away by yourself.
It will be interesting to see if the way you're feeling is tied the birth control pills. They made me crazy too ... just another reason why I'm afraid to try IVF with all those g-ddamn drugs.
After I read your post yesterday I kept thinking how much it would have helped to read something like that when I was living it. You probably made a HUGE difference in the lives of more than one mom suffering in silence.
Glad you were able to get out for a little bit yesterday! I've taken many a drive myself, bawling my eyes out. Motherhood can be tough.
Hope you feel better soon sans BC pills!
You know, when I read your first post, I did not think of PPD. As I've mentioned before, Nate was a high-need, high-fuss, no-napping, crier/screamer and I had ANOTHER newborn to deal with at the same time. The feeling you describe - little joy, exhaustion, overwhelmed, wanting to run away - I had so many days like that.
Those days, I took a break for myself and my kids. I called people who could listen. I wrote emails to people who would help me. And by reaching out, I found this was part of motherhood for a lot of us.
There are going to be seriously crappy days, and I can't stress enough to people how sometimes it is so much harder with two children. Because even when that needy, screamy, no-napping baby is not crying, there's still another human being who needs you.
I appreciate reading blogs from honest women and you do a justice to all moms for being honest.
PS. My pumping rule was that NO ONE was allowed to talk to me while pumping... I locked the door and listened to my favorite songs, read Us Weekly, chatted on the phone, oh how I loved my private pumping time because it was all about ME ME ME.
PPS. I also used to curse people with angel babies. They are the worst harbingers of assvice. Moms of "spirited" babies KNOW those low points.
I'm glad this is like the 20th comment, because I have nothing remotely helpful to say. Thank goodness 19 other readers have chimed in before me.
I just wanted to say though, that I'm listening.
Messin' with your hormones is not easy!!!!
I hope you start to feel better soon...I'll say it again, I'm here to chat if you need...
Like Bon, I'm sorry I missed yesterday's post on the day it went up; but I am glad you wrote it and that you are feeling better. I hope ditching the pills helps even more!
I am glad you are feeing a little better- those hormones can really be a bitch-
Good, good, good. Glad you found a possible answer.
Sometimes what helps me is remembering that I forgot to take my pre(post)natal vitamin. (And then taking it.)
Nursing takes a lot out of you. A LOT.
Hang in there. You are NOT alone.
I finally figured out how to leave a comment!!! Aren't you proud? I am thinking of you. Call me anytime to vent because I have been there too. No assvice, I promise. Take care and good for you for getting out!
Lori
I missed yesterday's post as well, but I'm glad you're feeling better. Driving aimlessly in the car with loud music makes me feel better too, as does a ridiculously long shower. I'm not a fan of BC pills either.
Good for you for taking care of you !
Sometimes we moms seem to forget ourselves in the midst of being a mom, wife, runner of household etc, etc.
You are very important and don't allow yourself to get lost in all this. I'm thinking about you and hoping everything turns around soon {{big hug}}
God, I'm so sorry. I just read your other post, too. Hormones are a bitch.
Going back in our heads to a time of carefree days can be really soothing in the moment....I think that's why anything retro always appeals to me more when things here in the trenches of diapers and screaming toddlers and eye-rolling pre-teens gets too hairy.
Good luck.
Posting today and yesterday is a good step. Being a Mom to a constant fusspot is incredibly draining and hard. I hope your OB/Gyn is able to help you out. I had PPD after my youngest was born, it was horrid. She was also a 5 S dropout. To be honest I pretty much hated her until she was about 4 months old.
I mean I didn't really hate her, but I didn't like her either. You are not alone.
Glad you got to escape. I'm trying to do that too - even if it's just escaping to my room, shutting the door and ignoring all the sounds on the other side, for just an hour. It helped today. *hugs*
Oh love-that was me a year ago-hell, it was me two weeks ago. Please don't put it off-go ahead and get some help. I can't stress it enough. Life has gotten so much easier because of it. I am sending you warm thoughts. Seriously-I have taken that drive. Much love, QM
What our children do to us. Seriously.
And knowing that you're not alone, yeah, it can be helpful psychologically, but moment to moment, in the thick of the chaos and sleeplessness and demands of caring for two little ones, it's not enough. You have a great plan, and you know yourself enough to know and acknowledge when something isn't working.
When you wrote about driving around, and crying upon returning home, oh boy Jen, I can so relate to that. That was me, for sure.
And pardon me for saying, bu fuck the Pill. Haven't we women endured enough? (I say that as someone who has a hard time with the Pill as well, in regards to migraines). Perhaps it's time for the DH to get the old ball sac snipped?
I'm so sorry to hear that things have been rough, and can completely relate to getting into the car and driving, far, far away. I agree, BCP are evil, and I refuse to do them ever agyain! Glad to hear that you have a plan for the next week...Just promise that you'll follow through a week from now if dropping the pill doesn't help considerably. Or make Nate promise that he'll make sure you get help, because you may not be in the right frame of mind to take action. So many of us have been there, and you don't want all of us harrassing you continually, now do you? ;)
"Wild Horses" by Natasha Bedingfield is my going home mourning song.
You can run away to Indiana any time. I won't judge.
Right there with ya. I've had those times out on my own when I wanted to cry because I knew I was going back home to two unhappy kids.
I thought for sure I wouldn't get a colicky baby with Mira - fate can't be that mean to give me two high-needs kids, right? But sure enough, fate laughed at me and handed me another screaming infant.
I hope getting off the BCP helps. I had to have antidepressants after I had Cordy, and I'm still not sure if I should consider them this time or not.
Someday our kids will sleep, right?
I had PPD with my first and I swear it was from the BCP the dr. swore I had to be on. I declined them after my second and never had any of the craziness as the first time, I was actually happy and it was great. Of course, he was an angel and now with number three, who is the colic queen, I get overwhelmed and frustrated but have so far avoided the PPD and I think it's because I didn't feel that prescription I was given. I am glad you are feeling better and glad the baby's taking a bottle so you can get out alone more.
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