Giving My Notice
I don't even know where to begin, I don't know if I can even make any sense.
I'm done.
I'm in so far over my head. The happy Jennifer persona is just gone. I can't pretend anymore that I'm handling all this and that it's hard, but it's okay. It's not okay.
Tate wants me to tell him what's wrong and how he can help me. I don't know what to say.
I just want someone to know what to do. I want someone to swoop in and take over, make it all better. I'm tired of trying to explain myself or explain what would make it better. Please someone just KNOW without me having to say.
Quit asking what I need, what's wrong, how you can help, if I know about "The Happiest Baby on the Block." Fuck the Happiest baby shit. I have a goddamned PH.D in the 5 S's and I'm here to say they don't fucking work.
I don't have any answers.
I'm tired. I don't want to do any of this anymore. I want a break, far away, with no children.
I don't get to do that, though. I signed up for the long haul.
I guess that's motherhood.
Labels:
my stream of consciousness
38 People are even more brilliant:
oh sweetie, i know i know. i felt that way for far too long with my second and the colic. it was hell. and i did stop pretending. i did reach the point where i had to talk to someone - a counsler. i only went 3 times but it helped a ton. it was just good to talk it out and they help make you realize some things you can do to get control OR at least try to get control. JUST REMEMBER IT IS OK TO FEEL THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING. Can you get away for an hour and do something for yourself ???
I DO know. I've been there too...I'm sorry you are feeling down and overwhelmed...
I send you hugs. If I could come and take the kiddies for a few hours I would...
Girl, I've been there. You do need to get away for a while. I did. I was just afraid, once I got out of the house, I'd just keep driving and never come back. Take a spa day.
You need a break. Take one by force.
I'm so sorry you feel so bad - no stupid words can wash it away.
{{{{hug}}}}
It's just so awful and unbearable. I hit a wall like that too. I would cry at night just thinking about the fact that I had to get up in the morning (or, more accurately, a couple of hours after going to bed) and do it all over again. I kept telling myself that if I could just make it to (blank) everything would be manageable. But then I'd make it to blank and it would still suck. Things haven't gotten better all at once and they're still pretty hard most of the time now that my second is almost a year old, but looking back, things really are so much better than they were six (or especially nine!) months ago.
I'm pretty sure I ended up in a post-partum depression that I recognized and started to work my way out of when my daughter was around 7-8 months old.
The thing that helped me most was finding a babysitter and sticking with her as long as it took to get to the point where she could come over and take over without any work or instructions from me. It was a huge pain in the ass to get to that point, but it saved my family in the end.
I have no advice for this point right now, because it sounds like you are tired of advice. We're all hear to listen. We've all been there... that wall of motherhood where you're afraid you signed up for something you're not sure you can do. By recognizing these feelings you are a better mom than you even know.
Hugs from moms who've been there.
Ugh. I'm right there with you right now. Know that's true because as I read your post with my husband standing over my shoulder trying to quietly urge me to finish up, I hear a pause in the clink clink of his ice cream eating as he reads your post. He looks at me and jokes "Women's is crazy!" (which is his way of saying "huh, you're not the only one then, are you?") ;)
I wish I could say something that would help, but all I can say is that I hope you can feel better soon. Maybe if you can, then there's hope for me too.
Sounds like things suck. My guess is that you'll have already thought of anything I could suggest. And I can't swoop in. But I recognize the things you're saying.
No advice, only lots and lots of sympathy. And I am sending many vibes to Shel to have a calm, happy evening!
Oh sweetie. I know exactly how you feel, exactly what you mean. I wish I could swoop in with chocolate and the beverage of your choice and make it all better. I'm sending big positive vibes your way.
I'm peeking out of the reeds over here to say I KNOW just what you mean. They say they want to help, but all you want is out. All I can say is, for me it just seemed to get better with time. That helps NONE right now, but I truly understand.
There are times I want out too.
Lots of times.
Ditto to the Queen! Want a one-way ticket to Shake Shake?
Jennifer,
You are in my prayers. Remember a while ago when you said you had forgotten how much you like your old CDs? You sounded uplifted by listening to music.
I'm sorry. This probably doesn't help all that much but just know that there are a lot of other moms who feel that way (including me). And yes, the Happiest Baby thing? Full O' Shit.
The other day when the husband was home and we were selfishly trying to actually leave the house and both kids were screaming, he looked at me in defeat and said, "So, how many more years of this do we have left?" Exactly. Welcome to every day of my life.
I really have nothing to add other than I heard you and I'm sorry. I hope it gets better soon.
lexapro has helped me tremendously
I second the vote for drugs.
(((HUGS)))
I third the vote for some kind of antidepressant. It could make a world of difference.
And don't dismiss talking to a therapist b/c you might have to bring Shel. Even if someone could watch Peanut and you had to bring a crying colicky baby .... I know from experience ... it's not ideal but it's better than not going at all.
You're in my thoughts.
Zoloft changed my life, but I'm not you, so I have no idea how to help either!
I hear how much it sucks. I'm so so sorry.
If I was there I'd make you some guac, and also something chocolate, and hold your baby while she cried.
Thinking of you often...
hmmm, I can repeat everything that's already been said, I can give you some advice, but it doesn't really matter because at this point, nothing really helps - does it?
just know that you have a lot of support, and the feelings are normal.
I almost lost myself when I had my second child - http://www.adventures-in-motherhood.com/?/article/postpartum-depression/
be well! {hugs}
I'm so sorry Jennifer! I wish I knew what to say that might help. It seems like it takes FOREVER for them to get past that stage.
If I were to win the Blogher package I'll totally bestow it upon you. You need it more than me. (Besides, I'm already going)
So sorry. NOthing I can say will make it better, so just know that I hear you. I wish I could say/do something that would make it better.
oh i am SO sorry. being am other is a bitch sometimes, and with the issues you're dealing with- I can't imagine. Hang in there!
Sorry Jennifer, sometimes I was just so tired when DV was a baby (before he was 8 months old he never slept except in 30 minute increments)...
I said, "Can we return him?"
And I really wasn't kidding.... IV knew it too.
I'm so sorry. Just know, that i does get easier.
When I was in your shoes, the second my husband walked in the door at night, I handed him the (colicky)baby, and got out of the house for an hour.
I came in to pretty much say what every one else has said.
Been there done that!
I don't want to give you any kind of "assvice" but will tell you something my father-in law told me the eve of his death, "You have to take of yourself to take care of everyone else."
Just also realize that you have an AWESOME support system right here and we are definatly here for you!
I do know exactly how you feel. My Mae would cry for hours at a time and most of the time I cried right with her. Then it would frustrate me that my husband was so calm about the whole thing always saying, "that's what babies do. They cry." But then again, he wasn't home all day...I was. Mae got better after three months. Maybe you will have the same luck. Hang in there!
Being a mother is definitely the hardest job that anyone could have.
Can you go out with your playgroupies? If you can't go on a vacation, you at least need a night out without the kidos.
Oh, honey. The academic bullshit is semantic. Husbands should know things without being told, and fuck the "Happiest Kid" crap. Seriously. We can't all be happy all the fucking time, it's just crazy, but it sucks.
I'm so sorry that things suck for you right now, and I wish there was something more I could offer to help than a comment on your blog, it seems so inadequate.
wish I could help - you know I know where you are.(no, I'm not a stalker) ... I know where you are cuz I'm there too.
We'll figure it out, I'm sure. But yeah... hubbies are clueless... they trullllly are. *Hugs*
Sorry hon! I think everyone is right, so I won't repeat. BTDT, so I do know how it feels. The drugs helped me, along with lots of chocolate and lots of breaks...and time. I hope it gets better soon!
I'm OBVIOUSLY there with you because I'm just now getting here to say TAKE ME WITH YOU. Three hours of sleep last night and toddler won't nap. Holy hell. Seriously, let's go get a drink together. And that PhD? Dude! My kids MOCK my education. MOCK, I say. Master's Degree, my ass. (I want to go back for my PhD but right now it would have to be in bartending. You know, for the sanity...)
1. Pump like crazy.
2. Find a babysitter (or better yet find your husband).
3. Leave the person from #2 the milk you pumped in #1
4. Tell the person in #2 that you're going to the spa and that you are not to be contacted unless it's an absolute dire emergency.
My mother shared with me that after I was born, she was going through what you seem to be describing. She diagnosed herself with depression. She went to a therapist. After she unloaded, he said "you need to hire a housekeeper." She did. Doctor's orders.
She continued to see him because she was indeed depressed, but that first piece of advice made the biggest impact of all.
Aww sorry you have been feeling down, i remember days not long after Eilidh was born where i just wanted to spend all day crying. Two kids demanding your time is really hard work. I know time has passed since you wrote this so im really hoping things have got better for you now
I so know what you are feeling because I feel it too. It's hard with a colicky baby and even harder if you've had two of them. Just know you're not alone, well make it through somehow.
I'll drink a virtual beer with ya.
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