Wherein I Admit to Being Wrong
Before we had kids, most of us probably had very specific ideas about how we would parent. We knew what sleep method we'd use, how much TV we'd allow, how much sugar was acceptable, and how we would discipline. In fact, we may have be been so knowledgeable and well versed in the latest, greatest parenting books, we possibly even spewed our ad/assvice on unsuspecting people with children.
Yeah, I was one of those people.
I'm here to say, first, that I'm sorry I ever offered even one speck of ad/assvice to any of my friends with children. PLEASE forgive, for I knew not what I was doing. Secondly, I want to say that I was wrong about my views on parenting. (You may want to print this particular blog since I'm admitting to being wrong. It's rare that I'm ever wrong, and even rarer for me to admit it.)
You know that rule about two hours of TV, as recommended by the AAP? Oh yeah, my son would not be allowed to watch even an hour of TV. Seriously, we were going to do enriching, learning activities TOGETHER. Reading books, fingerpainting, crafts, outdoor activities (humid 100 degree weather be damned), and singing/dancing/tumbling classes were all on my carefully scheduled agenda. There wasn't going to be time for TV.
I'm happy these days if he only watches 4 or 5 hours of TV. Per day. Go ahead and judge me if you want, but I've learned to accept my slacker parent ways. He is QUIET when he's watching Blue's Clues, Hi-5, and Live with Regis and Kelly.
He learns things by watching TV. In fact, we think he may be a genius. He can count from 1-4, 8, 3, 2, 6, and 8. He knows the colors blue, blue, blue, and black. Occasionally, he even knows orange. The little genius is even beginning to tell time. He knows that at 7:00, the monster truck cartoon comes on, followed by Peep and the Big Wide World. So all this TV is actually helping him and NOT stunting the growth of his brain.
Before ever even getting pregnant with Peanut, I knew how he would be disciplined. Actually, he wasn't actually going to need much discipline since I was going to teach him the proper ways to handle his frustrations. Instead of hitting, he was going to have words to convey his feelings.
I'll give you a minute to stop laughing AT me and compose yourself. Are you done? Moving right along then.
So I was wrong about how much discipline he was going to need. He does have words, all right. He screams "NO!" really well. I was sure time-out would nip any and all misbehaviors in the bud. Uh, time-out kinda makes him giggle. And his naughty chair is his favorite place to sit.
Such innocent fools we are before having kids, huh?! Who knew that TV would be such an excellent babysitter and that time-out was such joke (at least for my kid)!
What have you done since having kids that you swore you'd NEVER do?
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41 People are even more brilliant:
Yup. The TV thing...I swore it wouldn't be on, ever...What a joke!
I still feel somewhat guilty, but not really.
I also swore discipline was easy...I'm a teacher, I keep 35 kids in line for 8 hours a day...how hard could one kid be...?????
HA!!!!
oh boy, where do I even begin?? Parenting is all about eating my words. Seriously! Great post.
Hahahaha - yeah, where do I start?!?
...since having kids? I'm never having kids now! :D
So many choices....
My husband travels a lot for work. He's gone 3-4 days a week, leaving me with two 14 month olds and my own full-time job. They make a completely insane mess at mealtimes, food all over the floor and themselves.
Yesterday I gave them Toddler Lunchables for dinner. The ones completely loaded with sodium and fat and containing zero nutrients. They didn't throw a single piece of food because they sucked it up like nobody's business.
So much for my organic vegetables, whole wheat pasta, and free-range chicken.
I wrote a whole post on this topic when my boys were 9 months old:
http://jonandlaura.blogspot.com/2007/02/things-i-said-i-would-not-do-as-mom.html
Since I admitted this on another comment yesterday, I'll do it again today. I swore I'd never spank my child, ever. That to do that was teaching them that violence is the answer and it's okay to hit (which is exactly all it does). I have given Miss E a clip on the legs from pure frustration and yes, anger. Not hard, but enough to make her cry, and make me feel like the shittiest mom on the face of the earth.
Parenting is about balance I feel. We have Noggin on here for the best part of the day - but she's not sitting square eyed in front of it the whole time - she plays, we play together (not as often as we should), she 'helps' me around the house - and we do have fun outside the house. So I don't feel guilty at all about the tv.
Time outs are a joke in this house too, hence the development of the situation in my first paragraph.
How much time do you have? I, too, thought I wouldn't turn to processed foods and said I wouldn't serve juice in my house. Instead, thank God for Gerber Graduates, and white grape juice is my best friend. Here's my blog from several months ago on the same topic: http://hahn-family-blog.blogspot.com/2007/02/things-i-said-id-never-do.html
Great post! And for the record, if I was a stay-at-home mom, I KNOW I'd have the TV on A LOT!
Well, I swore I wouldn't have blog envy but I'm having it right now.
GREAT post Jennifer!
I did the whole TV thing before having kids...I'd enrich my child with parental interaction!
I also judged people whose kids were crying in stores. Or those that couldn't control their kids. Bwahahaha....no accident that I got Payton, is it? hehe! I had some lessons to learn.
Yeah, Cordy and Peanut could compare notes about the TV shows they watch. Now that Mira is here, she watches A LOT of TV. But hey, it's taught her a lot.
We are strict with her, but at the same time she runs all over us in some areas. She can't use a fork or spoon, she can't drink from a regular cup or help us get her dressed. She throws the most colossal tantrums in public, forcing us to sometimes give in just to get moving.
Yeah, the mommy guilt is thick sometimes. Who knows what Mira will get away with just because she's the second child and I won't have as much time?
Great post!
I swore I wouldn't let him watch hours of TV either. I even let the guilt riddle me at first, I felt so bad that we weren't out doing things.. but we play WHILE the TV is on sometimes so that makes it better... right?
This maybe off topic but it came to mind reading the comments. Those people on Super Nanny..yeah life was all hunky dory afterward but how long did they fall off the band wagon and go back to the old way they did things? I mean who really keeps a big poster board with a schedule and follows it?
the tv thing is a constant battle of guilt. i have it on in the am - i do not leave it on as background during the day at all. however, i do turn it on for shows and it is the only way for me to have a moment of peace to relax OR get something done. the guilt eats away at me, feeling like i am the worse possible parent ever. HI-5 might be the only reason i have not jumped off a bridge.
I think i could have written this same exact post. I use to be one of "those" people. Now my child can watch blue's clue's until he turns blue. As long as he's not whining and screaming in my face. Oh yeah, and time-outs are a joke for him too.
I'm right there with yah!!
Another awesome post Jen! I've had this one going on in my head to blog about for about a week now...we are so on the same page. Mine is titled "When Unacceptable Behavior Becomes OK." But I only got that far. Your post just about covers it!
I parent my younger two much differently (i.e., more leniently) than I did when I only had Eldest. One of these days I'll post about it.
A few things I swored I would never do...make my kid eat and call him a brat. I do both. Sometimes you just have to make him eat 2 bites to make him realize he is in fact hungry after 8 hours of not eating at all no matter what I made for him.
And sometimes he IS a brat...though I try very hard to to say it to his face...that is one promise I have kept is trying to keep from calling him negative things to his face at least.
And don't feel bad about the TV. Aidan watches a lot too...and I thought that he and I would do TOGETHER activities...he could care less about me and doesn't want to learn anything from me. When I try to teach him abcs or 123s he just laughs and runs away...but Sesame Street...that was a godsend and is teaching him both. His Baby Signing Time dvds helped him learn to speak as well as sign...
So, I guess TV isn't as bad as most people think. :-D
let my daughter cry in the swing so I can take a shower
Tv? Dear god. I'm a first time sahm who is not used to being one, and the house gets too freaking quiet without the tv on. Sometimes I compromise, though, and just put one of the music channels on. You know, the ones on cable tv that just play all music, no videos. The Soundscapes channel has saved my sanity at times.
I should really get an account so I can comment non-anon sometime.
I'm totally with you on the TV thing. Oh, and I do the swing thing too. Oh, and wait... what's that sound? Children? Screaming? Begging for breakfast? Cuz it's 11:30 and I haven't actually fed anyone yet today.... Um....
I agree with the anonymous poster about being a first time SAHM who needs the noise of the TV sometimes. I'm not a cook, but man do I love the Food Network. Sometimes I try to replicate what I've "learned" with not so great results.
My big failure right now is that I really can only get him to nap on me in the afternoons. I'm so thankful that he's getting sleep, that I just sit and type on the computer while he naps. This behavior needs to change, and I am being a weenie about it.
With the first one, I swore that she would never sleep in my bed. By the 3rd, they were all in there with me and the husband was on the sofa. Made for great birth control though!
LOL! I was a judgmental freak! oh, how could those people bring their kids to restaurants - all they do is scream - I would NEVER put myself or my kids through that! hahahaha Whatever works girl! :)
The first didn't get to watch tele til he was 18mo (he was pretty good at entertaining himself, oddly enough). The new baby is 7mo and watches all the same shows the now-35mo watches. Good news is the oldest audially recognizes all sorts of classical music pieces (YAY! Little Einsteins) and instruments and, most importantly, the classic Disney characters.
The Bad Boy Chair was the oldest's favourite place too, UNTIL I realized it stopped being fun when Mommy turned her back or left the room. Simple as that and so much more effective.
Oh. My. God. I could have written this post! Have I told you lately that I love you (ha ha)?
I agreed with everything. Our wonderful theories about parenting didn't really work out so well in practice did they?
I'm sad to say I was still delusional until #2 came along. I bought craft and activities for the toddler to do while I was at home with her and the baby. And so far? Craft and enrichment activities - 0 points. Television - 1 million points. It's just so much easier, you know?
I swore I would never co-sleep. Also, I'm with you on the no tv thing. Peanut has been able to recognize Mickey Mouse's voice since she was 6 months old. I got over myself and figured I grew up watching tv and didn't I turn out okay??
Nice post, Jennifer.
For me, it was that I wouldn't have a problem leaving the kids with babysitters so Gavin and I could go out on dates. Just when I got used to leaving Nicholas with a sitter, we had Elise and we haven't been on many dates since.
I'm laughing away like a mad woman over here! My kids had four hours of TV today. Yup. The half hour a day rule went riiiight out the window.
Cookies and ice cream for dinner, anyone?
My kid was NEVER going to have snot spread across her face.
hehe...oops.
I'd NEVER let my kids eat McDonalds. Ever.
But I do, occasionally. Especially after a grocery run when the last thing I want to do while putting away the groceries is to make two different lunches for two different girls. So why not McNuggets and Fries? They sit there happily and eat while I put all the stuff away and sip my iced coffee. Works just fine.
Hmm... My biggest failure thus far has probably been in the use of food or TV as bribery, both of which I said I wouldn't do. But sometimes if you're out and about and getting things done and suddenly the kid gets whiny... Well, a cookie never killed anyone, and has quieted many a tantrum!
Heh-I was just about to blog about raising my kids "old school" It is ALL about the Mac and Cheese, Vienna Sausages and Twinkie (with a few organic veggies thrown in) plus plenty of Leave It to Beaver, er...Digimon, Pucca, Pokemon and Power Rangers, to settle them for bed. hahahahaha! Kids sometimes do well in SPITE of our intentions. Love, QM
Having worked in a toy store, and also in a coffee shop with lots of yummy snacks, the one thing that I hated to watch parents do was say no, no, no, no, and then yes. It made me crazy. Don't they know that they're only making it harder for themselves in the long run? Don't they know that all they're teaching their child is that asking twenty-five times will do the trick? Just keep at with the whining kid, go for it, they'll cave eventually.
But now I know that from the initial "no," (often a reflexive "no") through the string of requests, there is a very long and sometimes unpredictable thought process. Sometimes, the initial no was wrong, and the right thing to do is to be flexible and change my mind. I still try really hard not to give a definitive answer until I'm sure, but I have still done this more times than I care to admit to my former self.
great post.....I have to resort to the babysitter<---also known as the tv during dinner prep time ....and in the Am to get a shower!
Oh yeah- GREAT POST!
Seriously, the biggest thing I criticized was toddler harnesses.
And, we have one. We use it VERY often.
DV is a runner and he's fast....
Boy was I embarrassed when I bought it because I definitely thought it was for LAZY moms.
The judging people with crying kids in the store, the tv thing and needlessly feeding my kid crackers thing...I'm sure there's more but I can't think of any others right now.
www.tastelikecrazy.com
I swore up and down that my kids would not watch TV until they were 4 years old....ya...that changed real quick!
My Zander is like peanut...he's learned to identify letters in the alphabet, he can count to 10, he dances and tries to sing along....
I'm so glad I'm not the only one!
Can I just say I love you! This issue and Annie's post on guilt go hand in hand for me. My kids watch more tv than I ever thought I'd allow and I beat myself up for it regularly. But I have to say, the television has kept the peace in our home more than a time or two by hypnotizing my kids so they don't fight thus keeping me sane.
Gosh, do I ever see myself in that post! I could run through a huge list of things I said I'd "never do." Every judgemental thought I ever had before I became a mom has come back to bite me in the ass.
When it came to discipline, I thought, "I've got THIS." And shortly thereafter, I got a huge surprise. I remember calling my husband one night and crying, "WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN "NO" DOESN'T WORK?!?!?"
Love your blog
I found myself here from well....somewhere. I've already forgotten...I think too much TV did it too me.
Just kidding. Seriously you cracked my ass up on this one.
I have no kids, but I do try to keep my parenting skillz (opinions) to a minium. But I do know the true value of TV and sugar...as a barganing tool.
tv is a wonderful, wonderful free babysitting service that I would NOT like to do without. And fingerpainting, playing kids games, can get very very tedious very very fast.
Parenthood really is a strange planet that you sre not going to understand unless and until you have visited....
I think they should toss out the What to Expect series and replace it with "What you are actually going to do once you've birthed another living being and become responsible for its well being 24/7"
You put everything i think into words - i swore my kids would never get junk, never watch tv , never do a million things. Of course the minute my first came along alot changed, we parents need to put our happiness first sometimes
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