Sneak Peek at My Book About Children's Sleep Habits
I've decided that I'm writing a book about children's sleep habits. Having read all the other sleep manuals (Weissbluth, Pantley, Ferber, Hogg...), and being a recovering nap zealot, I think I'm highly qualified to write such a book. Sure those other authors have fancy degrees and letters behind their names. But, I have letters behind my name, too, and they are M.O.M. I'm going to share with you what I've written so far. Please don't steal this information, I'm going to be rich from writing this book.
Dedication
This manual is dedicated to my darling son, whose naps are far too short. And to my sweet little girl who naps whenever the f*ck she feels like it, which isn't often. And to my devoted husband...without you, these children wouldn't even be possible. Gee, thanks.
Manuscript:
There is NOTHING you can do to make your children sleep better despite what all the other sleep manuals say. You are shit out of luck if you happen to get stuck with children who are nap buckers. Sorry exhausted parents of non-sleeping children, but you are SCU-REWED.
The end.
I'm convinced I have a NY Times best seller on my hands.
Labels:
Little Monkeys,
Quirky Me
48 People are even more brilliant:
Oh, you poor thing. Do you have a non-napper? Ugh. I'm sorry. That really sucks. I think you can certainly make money off of your book though. Cynical parents would love to give it at showers for people having their first child, dontcha think?
You are brilliant! Let me know when it's in print.
I'm so glad we're friends. It's good to have rich friends because you are on your way to MILLIONS with such a truthful book.
It's the sad, sad truth. My little lady stopped napping at 1 and before then would only have cat naps. Her brother is following in her footsteps. Ah, well. At least they are both good night sleepers.
If you could disguise that message in the middle of 400 pages of miscellaneous words people would be fighting for your book... :D
HILARIOUS! I guess these are all things to look forward too! Thanks for the words of wisdom!!
Now that would be the first parenting book that wasn't full of shit!
Can I reserve an autographed copy?
If only I could have had that book 10 years ago I might have turned out completely different.
Genius! I might need to put you on one of my panels - care to do a co-post sometime?
I don't want just an autographed copy, I think I'd like one with an original boob print inside the jacket cover.
And it's the perfect length for those of us with children who don't sleep long enough to let us read much.
This would have made me feel SO MUCH BETTER when I was in the thick of it. Seriously!
I'm not an advocate of burning books, but if I became one, I'd start with sleep books. Useless.
Let me recommend a list of the world's most eye-glazingly dull blogs to read to your kids.......a surefire way to introduce the happiness of profound narcolepsy into your house.
I'm very close to asking my Photoshop genius friend to make me a blinkie that states "Life Is Too Frickin Short To Read Boring Blogs."
F@ck yeah.
I say as I sit here typing one handed, bottle in the mouth of the "sleeping" child, praying and praying he goes back to sleep.
I have the perfect solution...just do what my mother's doctor told her to do for my brother who had colic. Give your kids 1 oz. of cognac or brandy before bed.
I kid you not, that's what he told her to do. She was going to try it, until she measure out an ounce and realized how much alcohol it was! Would you seriously give your 2 month old (that's how old my brother was at the time) 1 ounce of hard liquor???? wtf????
LOL! I can sooo relate! I think you are on to something with the book idea. ;)
If only I was a publisher.
I'd snag that to be my bestseller for sure.
Awesome. But it won't be a bestseller: HOPE is the money-maker. False hope? All the richer.
I'm embarrassed to admit how many of those books I bought after the birth of Child No. 1.
By the time Child No. 2 arrived, I realized that, clearly, the combination of Hubs' and my genetic offerings had somehow produced two night owls.
None of those books remain on my shelves. I found the cover photos of smiling parents too annoying.
You should market the book with a bottle of liquor. The parents can decide whether to use it for themselves or for the children.
Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls
My little one never slept, colic for 3 1/2 months. She screamed from 3PM-3AM 7 days a week. It started at 3 weeks. And for 30 minutes at a time from 3AM -7AM. The rest of the time she was up. I read all those SO CALLED manuals too. She is 8 now and still doesn't need sleep.Your right, if you have a non sleeper you are shit out of luck and exhausted!!!
Ok.. where do I buy this amazing book!!:) haha
and that, my dear, will make you millions!
I swear!
I wish I'd just bought that book instead of the hundreds of others I wasted my money on the first time around. My 2.5 year old just started sleeping through the night last month, despite all our attempts his WHOLE LIFE.
I get one good nap a day...and then? Not so much.
And that one good nap? Comes an hour and a half after he gets up, which can be between 5 & 6am. So either I go back to sleep or I get something done.
Nine times out of ten, sleep wins.
I am a Weissbluther (or at least I try to be), that said...you are so right! I just can't bear to accept it, so I keep trying...ah well, what's a Mom to do?!:)
I think you have a hit here! I would prefer mine didn't take a nap anymore. He wakes up in a terrible mood that continues for about 30 minutes.
Yup, I make kids who don't nap after 18 months or so, and who prior to that just catnap here and there with 0% predictability.
And when someone tells me that, "they could never manage if their kid didn't nap" I want to PUNCH them.
Hey, I ended up talking about you in a comment I left over at Not that I don't love my kids...all good!!!
I know we would buy it. We have a non-napper. Sometimes you can make it happen with a drive, but is powers of not sleeping are incredible. He can be barely functioning, but still hang on to awakeness. I feel your pain!
Where do I get an autographed copy? I'll take a dozen so that I can hand them out to my friends when they have kids. No, I'll take 4 dozen so I can hand them out to other mothers that dare say things like, "Poor thing looks tired."
Most of the time they are talking about me.
I hate hearing that the kids won't nap for you ... God knows they need their sleep ... if you need a break, just take it and they'll fall asleep in their cribs if they want to ... I know the protesting and crying is agony but a pillow over your ears works wonders ... hope this isn't bad to say but we all need a break sometimes and, as for me, I take it ---- figure it beats a tired, mean, grumpy mommy, which is what I become without a nap. Ash
A NYT Bestseller!!!
I would buy it - and I'm not even a parent.
AMEN! David NEVER slept! Luke still sleeps all the time!
If you reword that paragraph 113 different ways, and then add a whole bunch of advice from celebrities who have nannies that deal with the same problem, you'll be sure to hit the NYT's #1 spot. I say: GO FOR IT! If you need a co-author, let me know...
This was hilarious...
So true. Sell it to the CliffsNotes guys - they'll be all over it.
They might even make laminate copies to hand out to parents in the pregnancy ward to take home!
I'd buy that book!
I'd buy anything you write. Unless of course it comes out as a book on tape, in which case I'd probably illegally download it.
But then I'd feel guilty and send you a 10 spot.
No worries. Don't mention it ;)
MhMMMM. I think I'll be your publisher. Because DAY-AM.
Definitely a best seller.
I have my 11 year old daughter back in my bed:o
Testify! I want to see what you'll say on your book tour.
I'd like to co-author with you for the section on night-wakers, since the only thing I can find about that in the sleep books is that they might be having night terrors.
SERIOUSLY? Because while I am having night terrors being woken all the time, I don't think they are.
So my section would say, see manuscript. You are shit out of luck.
Sleep training? What is that, really? I've decided it's training parents to never expect a full-night's sleep until their children are teenagers who cannot be plied from their bedsheets with a forklift.
I'll buy your book. :)
Don't I know. Thankfully, I never bothered with the sleeping books, I just knew it wouldn't change. Parenting and how to avoid tantrums because all this time we didn't know that LMNOB's fits were sensory frustration? Now that is a ginormous and expensive frickin' library. :sigh:
Yeah. My baby doesn't nap regularly either. My theory though is that it's because I have to constantly lug him around to everything that his older sister does-- so he doesn't get the luxury of mommy starting a routine for him.
Great post!
And so true. Whens the book-signing? Lol
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