Let's Play a Game! Incredibly Helpful or Nagging and Maniacal?
Let's just say that a certain wife, a very organized and seasoned professional wife/mother/domestic engineer, had plans on a Saturday, leaving a certain husband in charge.
What if this wife offered a few suggestions to make this husband's job of caring for two children easier and more efficient? Having lots of experiences with trial and error, she'd figured out the best procedures to complete the daily tasks related to childcare.
Situation 1: Diaper Changes
Soon after Carson is awake, he needs a diaper change. (As in: as soon as he's out of his crib.) He will fuss and vehemently deny a wet diaper, but it must be changed nonetheless. If the diaper isn't changed, you'll find a giant pee mark on the sofa (making more work later).
When Carson protests later on in the morning about needing another diaper change, it's just easier to bring a diaper and the wipes to wherever he's playing and change him there.
Situation 2: Breakfast
Carson eats out of the yellow bowl because it's sides are high enough that he can actually scoop cereal onto his spoon rather than all over the table and floor (making more work for later.)
He prefers to eat off of the green spoon, but not the green spoon with yellow dots. The plain green spoon. If you give him a red or purple spoon, he'll yell (LOUDLY) and throw the spoon of the floor (making more work for later).
Carson likes Honey Bunches of Oats (1/3 of a bowl...no more than that, it'll just go to waste) and a tiny bit of Kashi Go Lean Crunch. He also gets half of a banana, sliced bananas on his cereal. Eventhough he used to eat bananas without slicing them, now he won't. If you just give it to him without slicing it, he'll smear it on the table and get banana between his fingers and eventually in his hair (making more work for later).
Ella gets 3 tablespoons of oatmeal mixed with the remaining half of Carson's banana, mashed well with a fork. If it's really dry, mix in 1 ounce of formula. You can make just one ounce by mixing just 1/2 scoop of the powder and 1 ounce of water. Use the water from the refrigerator since it's filtered. It's really easy to measure an ounce of water in the blue (or purple) Gerber cup.
Situation 3: Loading the dishwasher
The kids' utensils go in the basket on the top rack. If they're put in the basket on the bottom rack, they'll fall out during the wash cycle (making more work for later).
The bowls go in the back of the top shelf. If they are put in the front part of the rack, they flip over during the wash cycle and don't get washed properly. There ends up being dirty dishwater and nasty food chunks in the bowl (making more work for later).
Situation 4: Getting dressed
Don't ask Carson what he wants to wear! He'll change his mind about thirty trillion times and throw a mongo fit. Just pick out an outfit and put it on him.
The clothes on the right sides of both of their closets are the ones that fit, not the clothes on the left side. Those are too big.
*********
Incredibly helpful suggestions? A certain husband would benefit from and appreciate these ideas.
OR
Nagging and maniacal? A certain wife has deep seeded control issues.
(I'm not saying that a certain wife actually offered these suggestions, this scenario is purely hypothetical.)
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62 People are even more brilliant:
I say a little of both.
The diaper changing is helpful.
The mess preventing information...well, if the certain wife isn't there to be the one to clean it up, then sometimes it's best to let the certain husband find out for himself. Certain husbands (NOT that I'm talking of my own) like to have the illusion that certain wives (again, NOT referring to myself) have confidence in their ability and when certain wives (not me!) lay out too many details, certain husbands feel incompetent.
Disclaimer: I am NOT talking from experience.
I used to try to give Mike such clear directions but he never listened...so now I just leave and say, "Liam needs to sleep around 9:30 or so...good luck." And then I come home to a very tired Daddy who says, "How do you do it?" As IF I didn't try to tell him how to do it...
If you could figure out a way to get husbands to remember events (doctors appointments, parties, speech therapy sessions, work events, etc.) please let me know. Oh - and writing them on a calendar that is clearly displayed does not work. Either does verbally telling him about 3 or 4 times leading up to the events. Any suggestions?
I used to leave detailed instructions every time I left The Man home with the kids. And they were HELPFUL instructions, intended to make it EASIER for him. Know what? He NEVER followed them. Know what? The kids were still alive when I got home. That became my prerequisite. If he can keep them alive for the few hours that I was off getting quality time with my favorite person (me), then it was successful.
I just assume the house will be a disaster, the kids will need a bath, and that they had their own unique, awesome time with Dad.
PS - It could be worse. I have a friend whose husband was alone with their less than 2 year old for about 6 hours, and never thought to feed the child lunch or dinner. Of course the dad had his 3 squares. Idiot.
I'm with Heather. Husbands, in general - not anyone in particular, are unable/unwilling to take all of the advise that a knowledgeable wife may be willing to offer.
I've learned that the only advice I leave when I go somewhere is stuff that relates to the well-being of my child. Like the food stuff: instructions on feeding Carson, although potentially helpful for getting him to eat and avoiding major messes, aren't really that big of a deal, after all - he's two, and becoming very capable of letting his wishes be known. Instructions for feeding Ella, on the other hand, should be left if he doesn't normally feed her, since daddy's rarely understand all the stuff about limited diets, immature digestive systems, etc. To this day, OE asks me what Charity can/can't have - although for the most part it's not an issue anymore. But when she was Ella's age, on the (rare) occasions he kept her, he would always call to find out what she could/couldn't have to eat, when, etc.
IF said husband will listen, then this is helpful. IF said husband thinks he knows exactly how to do everything, let him live in and then later scrub clean the fantasy world in which he inhabits. :D
"making more work for later" goes in and out of men's ears I think. His way ALWAYS creates more work for later. And who does that work????? ME!
Those are wonderful suggestions, did he listen? Mine doesn't.
I think it's a great play.by.play list! Now, if it could only work? B/C most of the time my lists are sitting right where I left them, and the place is A MESS! Let us know how it turned out!
I find these helpful. BUT said husband may find them to be nagging and maniacal. As a matter of fact he find them to be so much so that he ignores them and leaves said children in said diapers with bananas all over their faces and hands.
I left my house last Thursday for a work overnight and my 7 month old had a fever and I left a few/bunch of helpful suggestions for how to deal with a sick child...she's still alive so I'm guessing they were followed but they were not necessarily received as nicely as I would have liked...
Yeah, I too used to try and offer these helpful suggestions but it wasn't received very well.
My only issue with just letting him figure it out is that all that "more work later" stuff still tends to fall on my plate. Grrrr!
I find the details helpful. If I were watching a friend's kids, I would SO appreciate the details.
HOWEVER, dads tend to get a little defensive with such lists. I find that it makes mine feel like a babysitter to his own children instead of DAD. (He travels A LOT for work and isn't there to see the little tricks of the trade.)
I leave lists for my SIL and MIL, but as for my husband...I've started to just walk away and not offer the detailed advice. As long as the kids are alive and the house doesn't burn down, it's OK for them to figure their own way of doing things.
Plus, if you give away all the secrets, you'll make it too easy for him and he'll assume (wrongly) that your job is equally as easy;)
As long as I wasn't the one who had to do triage clean up at the end of the day, I found that the most effective way for my husband to learn was by trial and error.
That being said, it's always hard for me not to insistent about such things since my pride is totally caught up in being a mom and I worked damn hard to figure these things out!
Besides, Beta Dad usually comes to the same conclusions as me, and then there is an awesome I TOLD YOU SO moment at the end. And, although it kills me to admit it, sometimes he comes up with tricks I never thought of.
My husband just does things differently than I do. When I try to tell him why I do stuff the way I do, I think he tunes me out. I call it "hearing" instead of "listening." Sometimes he finds out why I tell him to do things my way, other times I get to mop up the water he's gotten all over the counter and unstick the bibs that he washed with my stockings. I keep telling myself that he wants to help and I should be appreciative.
I haven't read the other comments, so I may be repeating someone here - but , my philosophy and experience dictates that nobody ever really learns by having things either done for them, or having them spelled out in every minute detail - so this wife would be much more helpful if she let her husband fly by the seat of his pants and figure it out on his own. The hard way. Just like she did ;)
Other than how much food/drink for Ella, I say just let him go for it on his own. If i gave a list like that to my dh, he'd feel insulted that I didn't have enough confidence in him to figure out certain things on his own.
And, (from personal experience) you'll probably find that Carson doesn't pull the same stuff with dad that he does with mom (smooshing bananas, having a fit about diaper changes, etc) Something about it, but the kids just don't test the limits with someone "new." Carson knows what he can get away with when you're there. He won't be so comfortable trying out these toddler tactics on dad.
Hypothetically.... did your husband roll his eyes as largely as mine did when I gave him a similar detailed list?
As a woman, I think they are helpful suggestions. But if I was a man, I might choose the second option.
I agree with your first commenter, as long as the children are safe and happy, sometimes it's best just to let dads figure out things for themselves. It makes them appreciate us more :).
I waffle between the "helpful" wife approach and the evil, maniacal cackle the emits when I hear how things didn't work out and how would I have dealt with them etc etc.
It's a fine line...
Men never listen, so to give them helpful hints, would be a waste of time. And the more work for later doesn't bother them because the work later is for you not them!!!
Well I for one think it's incredibly helpful...but then we operate in a police-state at my home and I make the rules. So I could be a little bieased. I found that there are three little words that you can say at the end of a list like this which act as a "hold-harmless" kind of clause. Those words are...
I'm just sayin'.
Good luck to you.
-HH
i say Incredibly Helpful...'cause that's what i do. since i spend the most time with the boys, and know better what they like, don't like, what they do, don't do, etc., it's just natural for me to tell hubby what i've found works the best.
sometimes he listens to me, sometimes he doesn't. the way i see it, if he doesn't listen to me, he'll learn when he has to clean up the mess or deal with the tantrum. :)
Laughing hysterically at the similarities between your household and mine.
It's all VERY helpful information. Husbands NEVER see it that way. I say let him have enough rope to hang himself. Offer suggestions. If you get the old "yeah already, I can do it", let him try. Hee hee.
I offer suggestions but he always does his own thing anyway. My kids have worn mismatched or wrong sized clothes in public and eaten hot dogs for breakfast. But everyone survived.
Shit woman. You sound like me...
(All sounds good to me.)
Why can't he get these simple concepts?
LOL..They would be helpful, but don't bother. Let him do it his way, and as long as everyone gets through the day alive, it's all good :)
The real question is will he read it and follow your directions. Mine wouldn't bother reading it and therefore would do it his own way anyway. So. It all depends on how your husband will respond. Will he read it? Will he take your advice?
If not, don't waste your energy.
I've stopped being helpful as it usually just irritates the husband and somehow he manages to muddle through without my pearls of wisdom. That is, if and only if, he has to be the one to clean up the messes he's left. If I know I'm going to be stuck with it, I may not be able to resist giving him some helpful advice.
Jennifer, I love you. I would have written those items in a note that took 2 pages to hand write. Then I'd forget things that were "really important", so I'd go back and write them in the margins. I should have saved some of those crazy notes from when my son was a baby. And I never left for more than a few hours. I thought I was just a nut-case. It feels good to know I'm not alone. So, I don't think you're crazy at all.
I have learned to lighten up a bit now. And the older my son is, the easier he gets. He's pretty low-maintenance now, but he was HIGH maintenance as an infant.
I think a little of both, but even if all this were written down, and copied twelve times (to tac in various places around the house), mine still wouldn't see or follow them. Case in point: leaving the catalog with the item wanted for b-day/Christmas circled in red on his night table....and did I get it? NOPE!!
I am beginning to think you might share my brain. I think other women, particularly moms, would appreciate the detailed list. It saves the trouble of finding out the hard way for yourself. I think men either wouldn't really listen or would just choose to ignore your words of wisdom in favor of their own way, which they find to be bigger, better and faster. Of course they are delusional and you're the one that will pay later (cleaning up extra mess etc) but I'm not sure it can be helped.
Without question, incredibly helpful suggestions .... although my husband would say they were simply more attempts to micromanage things.
Yeah whatever.
I think it's helpful but I would not have offered any of those suggestions to my husband. He'll figure it out and probably be tired in the process, which means he'll appreciate me more.
is that evil?
I thought it was very funny and helpful.
Downside for some men: It requires reading.
Suggested solution: Provide same instructions with pictures using big red circles with an slash through them for the don'ts.
Helpful AND user friendly!
I say VERY helpful. But then again, I would leave similar instructions, so maybe I'm a little biased...
Well, I wouldn't call them nagging or maniacal when they are, in fact, very helpful. But it looks like a lot to grasp if it wasn't written down for regular reference!
I vote helpful! Doesn't husband know how much trial and error wife had to go through to get such detailed instructions??
HAHAHAHA!!!
You just know what works. I see you as helpful, for sure. (if we're talking about you, that is!)
I side with helpful, but I've exactly the same way, so I'm extremely biased.
I say let the man fall on his face a few times. It's the only way they learn... and more importantly, appreciate the sage advice of a seasoned pro.
I say you're helpful. Very helpful.
And it cracks me up that Carson has a certain colored bowl and spoon to eat from. My daughter is the same way...she throws a HUGE fit and refuses to eat if her cereal isn't in the green bowl. I must get more green bowls.
Print it out - highlight the really important stuff (i.e. the correct bowl & spoon). Make it clear they are just suggestions. Don't nag later if the dishwasher's improperly loaded. Men are so sensitive.
Also, your kids are high maintenance!
Holy cow, it is like we were separated at birth.
I look at it this way: if I were to go over and babysit for someone, how much information would I want from them before I started making fun of them in my head and talking about them to our friends about how anal and retentive they are about their kids.
I do believe in listing out what a typical day for the kids is for Hubby. He appreciates that. As for the mess, I tell Hubby that I don't want to be "punished" for taking a little me time. He usually cleans up for me.
In my nanny days, I would have loved working for you, because I like to do things Right, and because I don't like wasting a lot of time re-figuring-out something that is already known to someone who could tell me. And it makes sense to me that the person who normally does the job has helpful information to impart to the person who doesn't. You're neither nagging nor being a maniac, you're merely sharing the information you've had to learn by trial and error. No need to reinvent the wheel.
But Paul--he would reinvent the wheel. The messy, inefficient wheel.
Ha, I gotta agree with Heather...maybe a little of both...but not unlike something I might do.
Hell you're just tryin' to make it easier on the hubs and most importantly less stressful for you so he doesn't call you 50 thousand times while you're away for help!
You know what's funny? My husband does breakfast and child-dressing every day before he goes to work, so on days that he's out of town or has to leave early, I have no idea what to do. I always get some small but crucial part of the routine wrong (making more work for later). Am I the only SAHM who can't make breakfast for her kids?
Right before I left town in July, I started to offer Hubs my usual list of helpful suggestions.
He cut me off, looked deep into my eyes, and said, "You have to learn to trust me."
Twenty-four hours later he was calling me in hysterics because Daughter, 4, had cut off all her hair, right up to the hairline.
"What do I do?!" he asked, over and over. "What do I do?"
Heh.
I try to *help* my husband with suggestions, but he is determined that he can do ALL ON HIS OWN. He refuses to ever admit he had a tough time.
He doesn't worry about the clothes they will wear, because the kids usually just end up wearing their pjs all day.
He doesn't worry about what they will eat, because he just feeds them a pizza....every. single.
day. (if he could)
And the mess? Hey, you just tell your wife - sorry about the food all over the floor, the explosion of toys, the dishes overflowing the sink......but I HAD TO WATCH THE KIDS YOU KNOW. I DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME!
Too funny.
oh that is soooo me. and then he will say oh i did such and such and blank happened. and i say yea that is why i told you to do blank and not blank or blank will happen. then i get a blank stare.
Oh so very controlling....but extremely helpful and, if your husband is anything like mine...NECESSARY! :)
There are many comments above which I haven't read, so I may be repeating what someone else has already said.
I think it is probably a case of him getting annoyed (even subconsciously) because your list made him realise he does not know as much about how to look after the kids as you do. The truth hurts, baby.
Not at all maniacal. I do this with my husband, too. Personally, I think they like the instruction....
Loved this post!
I know instructions like these are necessary for my guy. If I don't leave instructions, I get phone calls "where's this, where's that, what do I give him for lunch, etc. etc. etc." Some times it is best to let them figure it out for themselves though and deal with the "more work later" :)
I think it's helpful. But if the day does come for me to leave them in his care (please come soon!)
i know the instructions would fall on deaf ears and they'd watch tv all day and eat cookies for every meal.
Not so bad considering those days are few and far between!
ugh.
though very helpful and so true, i have learned through trial and error to just relinquish my my control. in the end what's going to happen will happen. this way, i am stuck on the fact that i told him and he didn't listen. ultimately he's going to do what works for him. great post!
Bwa-ha-ha-ha! That was me about 2 or 3 kids ago. Brilliant.
Seriously,hilarious.
You know I'm preggers with the
5th boy,right?WhenHubs "babysits" it is something out of 'Animal House'. If I come home and the house is still in reasonably good shape, I can't complain.
I just put extra lotion on the babies bottom and hope he checks often.
I'm just happy to get a break!
I knew I liked you for a reason - you're just like me!
Here's the honest truth: you can't win. If you don't make the list, he'll do things in the less-efficient way, causing more work for later. If you do make the list, he'll resent it and try to prove you wrong by doing things differently, causing more work for later.
Just be prepared for a mess to clean up when you get home.
I make a list. Write everything down. I would leave the bowls and spoons needed out on the counter. All 3 of the boys clothes are laid out. Along with the shoes for the day. I have an emergency bag packed, with first aid kit. Just in case. I go way overboard and I know it. Popeye knows and accepts my crazyness. SO, no I think you are doing what any loving wife and mother would do....
See, I think this would be very helpful, if I was a babysitter, for example, these are thing I'd like to know. But this morning after I asked Steve if he'd packed Til's snack, and packed her a spoon for lunch, and he was giving me that look, I told him about this post and he just laughed and laughed...
Very Helpful BUT...you have to understand that, like children, Men have to learn the hard way. You can write it down and stress how this will keep down the workload/messload, but in the end they have to find out for themselves. And when they complain that their way didn't work to well (i.e. the spot on the couch, banana everywhere, etc). , just smile and say that there was, in fact, a reason for your madness when you gave him the list.
I love your list! That is something I would do.. only my hubby would laugh at me for doing it:)
Mine would have come back at me with an equal number of helpful hints about the things he's figured out work or don't. He would listen to those hints only *after* experiencing them for himself. As in 'don't fix it until *after* it's broke'. So yours might have a greater appreciation of the list *after* trying it his way for a day (heehee!)
Men don't like to be "helped."
They just like to complain to you later about (WAAAHHHHH) how *dificult* it was to (WAHHHHH) take care of the kids while you were gone.
I loved your list. :)
I loooooo-ho-ho-oooove this list.
All the commenters have covered the angles. I have no experience yet so the fact that my first thought was -- Brilliant, give him the list! -- probably shows my status.
I like the idea of letting him work it out himself, especially if you install a few nanny-cams for posterity. Kidding.
That one who said he'll figure out something you never thought of is probably right.
Short comment longer... I once gave a friend some relationship advice, long before I'd had a relationship longer than a few months (!!! -- that's how advice is sometimes). I told her to stop giving her husband instructions or advice, unless asked, for one week.
During that same week, she had to also repeat this mantra to herself: (name of husband) is beautiful (noh) is perfect.
If she had problems with either task, she was to make a list of her fears (i.e.: what he needed to be told, why he wasn't perfect) and call me to read it.
Within a few days, the couple was having sex again -- four days in a row -- (a rarity post baby-number-two), he'd taken out the garbage without nagging, and he'd made a plan for his job search (you can imagine how she'd been trying to "help" with that).
Now that I have my own husband to instruct and nag, I find it hard to remember and follow this little solution I gave her, but I like to remember how happy it made them, and share it with others from time to time...
lol Ok, I may have to go with the Queen on this too. TOO much "suggestion" leads to that certain husband feeling rather... ummmmmimmmmasculated lol
But still - I KNOW exactly what you mean in this purely hypothetical situation.
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