The Nice Way to Say F*ck Off
Here's the scene...
Location: Babies R Us
The Characters: Lots of first time pregnant women with their mothers and me and a screaming Shel
As I'm browsing with my screaming daughter, who has JUST eaten, I'm receiving lots of stares. Stares that say "THAT woman needs to help her baby, THAT woman is a terrible mother, THAT woman needs my assvice."
Please note that just a little while back I asked all of you for advice as to how to help Shel with her colic. I'm eternally grateful for this advice for which I asked.
I do not, however, take kindly to people (specifically strangers whom don't even have their own kids yet) spewing off assvice as if they've taken verbal ex-lax.
Here's what I heard...
"Have you tried to hold her upright, she looks so uncomfortable how you're holding her."
To Shel..."Your Mommy just isn't paying any attention to you is she?!"
"That is one hungry baby."
"Get yourself some (you fill in the blank) and she'll never cry again. It worked like a charm for my best friend's, uncle's, next door neighbor's, veterinarian who had a colicky baby."
"She needs her binky." (This after Shel has spit it out in brutal anger for the umpteenth time.)
I didn't say anything to these people for fear of bursting into tears. Not tears of frustration, but the hot, angry tears you get when you feel backed into a corner, minimized, looked at with scorn.
I need a really good come back for times like these, as they will continue as long as I go in public and Shel is colicky. I want to say something to the effect of f*ck off, but more eloquently.
Any suggestions? (Getting advice when asking for it...cool! Getting assvice from randoms...Infuriating.)
Labels:
Go Fly a Kite,
Mommydom
49 People are even more brilliant:
Oh man, I've been in those shoes (just the other day, with MY 2nd fussy baby!). I HATE it. People are so clueless. I'd love to say what comes to mind, too.
I tend to say things like "oh look, that first-time mom thinks babies don't cry...", or "that woman seems to have forgotten that babies often cry even IF they're bellies are full...", or even "see Shel, Momma told you people can't mind their own business! And they all seem to think they know you better than me!"
But I'm not the nicest person in situaitons like this. It ticks me off, royally.
Sorry I'm no help! But I do lend a sympathetic ear (or eye). I'll be reading your posts, and I do understand them.
Again the other day I was venting to my husband about God giving us ANOTHER fussy baby. We tried to leave the house and go out, and it was right back in the car. The baby just would NOT stop screaming. Then I get down and angry and annoyed...
I hope it all passes soon.
Holy shit, they did not?!? What, the asshats waited until you and I split up from our retail therapy date to say such shit? Yk, because I would have jumped their ass! OMG!
I can NOT believe someone had the ass-ness to say you weren't paying attention to her. Oh fuck off! Honestly, when it comes to someone dishing out such rudeness I have no problem giving them a dose of their own medicine.
If I'm feeling nice, I'd ask them if they have personally had a colicky baby and if not, then they really have no idea what they are talking about.
Utter shitheads! Grrrr...I'm mad!
Totally rude!!!
I can't help you out, but I can empathize...had a "colicky" baby/child for 2 1/2 years...turns out it was food allergies.
Maybe you should just turn it back on them..."Why would say something like that?"
I'm sorry - what a bunch of #$%^heads!!! Wish I had a clever comeback, but I'm stumped.
Here's an idea. Make "going out" shirts for you and Shel. Yours says in big giant letters "Mommy to a colicky baby" and hers says "Colicky baby". Think it would help people get the hint? I don't know, probably not. I can't believe how stupid people can be. Don't you wish instead of offering advice, someone would just offer to help hold her for a minute....or something. Otherwise keep it to yourself, stupid person.
ooh... I am SO sympathetic. Just reading your post made me mad at those stupid people. I think you need to brush up on "ice queen"- next time, fix the helpful advice-giver with an icy stare and then give them an obviously fake smile and say something like, "riiiight." or "Oh yeah I NEVER thought to try that," or (if you're feeling particularly annoyed) "do I know you?" or "Why are you talking to me?"
Hang in there!!!!
I never know what to say, either. My mother-in-law is a fan of those "pretending to talk to the baby" remarks ("What did your mother DRESS you in??" and "Isn't your mother going to FEED you?"), and it leaves me speechless and limp with rage. I am a fan of the tight, joyless smile: corners of the mouth go up slightly but lips stay pressed closed, and I don't say anything because of the crying problem you mention.
dang blogger! I had typed out some really funny tshirt ideas ala mommy daisy. and when i hit publish. they disappeared!!! dang blogger!
the only ones I can remember:
"tummy? check. diaper? check. warm/cool? check. mommy's love? double check."
"I scream therefore I am"
"screaming baby" "postpartum mom"
"don't piss off my mom, she'll scream too"
"bitch baby" "bitch mommy"
"I scream" "I swear"
I'm one of those chickens who thinks of funny come-backs in blog comments but would never say anything to their face.
You could poke yourself in the eye to force some tears and tell them that you hope that someone makes them cry like this someday too.
Then there's this one... "duh".
Just todat at the grocery my wee one started to cry at the checkout line. All of the cashiers (who are senior citizens and all smoke as you can tell by their yellow finger nails and brown teeth!) came up to give me advice. One touched her little toes and said "well, she is cold! Her little toes are cold!" I turned to her and said nicely through my teeth (white as they are) "Please don't touch my baby."
They all sat dumbfounded.
Next time just say sarcastically "Oh My! You are so wise and I am so dumb! Thank you oh so omnipotent one!" But instead of calling them omnipotent, call them impotent. Have a good chuckle to yourself.
What is wrong with people??
Not that I would have the guts to say this but maybe YOU will ....
To the pregnant woman registering and/or without any kids yet: "I keep forgetting to do that[whatever it is was just suggested]. Must be all those blood vessels in my brain that burst during labor. The doctor said it's very common for women to burst blood vessels while they're pushing. Thank goodness I'll be back to full brain power by the time she's 5 ... at least that's what the doc said."
Morons!
I don't know, "F*ck off" seems pretty darn eloquent to me just the way it is - short, sweet, and to the point.
Or for the first time pregnant woman, there's always "Would you seriously take obstetric advice from a 5 year old with a play doctor's kit? No? So you expect me to listen to you...why?"
Or: "When I want your assvice, I'll ask the internet." ;)
I like the t-shirt ideas. Shel's can say, "Colicky baby" and yours can say, "Please keep your assvice to yourself."
So sorry you have to deal with that. And yet, you still manage to keep your blog audience LOL! Don't lose your sense of humor!
Bastards. I hate them too.
I'd say, "Oh, I see are you a peditrician?" Dead blank stare and then walk away.
Or, "Gosh thanks. It's amazing I've survived being a mom for the past two years without you in my life! How have I ever survived!?" Dead blank stare and the n walk away.
Bastards. I'm angry just reading your post.
Where is the sympathy stare, like, "Oh honey, I've been there. Hang in there!"
I would have burst out crying! Hope it gets better.
There IS no nice way to say F*ck off...so I just say it. Loudly.
Is it not PC to just say F you? I have/do. When Luke was 3 and went through a purse phase, a man at Walmart told me I should be ashamed for letting my boy carry that. I said, "Shut the F* up, or he will beat your ass with his purse."
The Hubs is convinced someone is going to beat the shit out of me one day.
How about "usually I just use tequila, but I drank it all last night during poker"? Okay, so that's not going to help any, but seriously. I am SO sorry you had to deal with this.
Good grief, honey. This is the last thing you need.
I think this is also the reason I didn't leave the house for the first six weeks after having both of my boys. Those hot tears were always way to close to the surface.
And you know I can't let a single. critical. remark. get by without a response.
You know, I found that the most scornful response was always the most genuine. Rather than a sarcastic reply (which is my nature, too, but which always went over their heads), I would let a tear or two slip and let them know just how hard I'm trying.
The ass-of-the-moment would invariably apologize for suggesting that I was doing anything but my best.
F*ck off, mutha f*ckers!
my favorite was(is) when people (even close friends and family) would say, oh she doesn't take a pacifier, as if that would cure colic. NO SHE DOESN'T, MATTER OF FACT SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT MY BOOB, B/C SHE IS FREAKEN COLIC SO SHUT UP ! SORRY for all caps but i got all heated up about it again. i hibernated with Frass for a long time.
omg I've sooooo been there. I hate ppl who open their huge mouths.
I've told folks to F-off or I tell them oh really has that worked for you? Okay then, shut up. i'm the mom.
I tend to say that a LOT because a lot of folks think it's necessary to tell me how to parent and when they ask me how far apart my kids are and I say 12 months they are like well you didn't plan that well did you? WTF?!! People geesh...rude, rude, rude. I'm the mom seems to shut them up though...especially for the first time pregnant moms who have no idea what they are in for.
I would not have been able to be polite. (To the shame of my very southern Granny.)
Your post brought back many not-so-fond memories of my daughter from birth until maybe 4-5 months. Ick. She screamed all of the time, and I constantly got looks of disapproval and the occasional piece of ass-vice. Idiots. It was either stay home and lose my mind dealing with the crying or get out every once in a while and deal with the crying...I chose to get out every once in a while.
I tend to say nothing, but perhaps you could just explain that she isn't in fact crying, but communicating in a language that they just don't understand. Is it her fault she only speaks baby? Tell them they are being discriminatory by trying to shut her up.
Im with you, I would have burst into tears myself, I wish people would just mind their own beeswax. :)
A mean look works for me when I have the guts to use it. My Husband will tell people off.
Our kids are adopted from Korea and when my son was 8 mos old, some old lady asked if he had an accent. My husband gave her the "you are too stupid to breathe" look and said "he doesn't talk yet." But she asked if he would when he did speak. We just walked away.
Wait til those new moms are in the same boat!!
After you kick the first one in the teeth, the others tend to steer clear.
Ignore the asswipes. You're a great mom.
My responses in these situations vary widely depending upon my mood and the situation, anywhere from an apologetic smile to flipping them the bird. I just go with whatever strikes me at the moment.
But I really like the idea of having something in your back pocket to pull out when stymied. How about, "Oh, you think you can do better? Here, you take her while I go have a smoke."
Kidding.
I'll think on it. There has to be the PERFECT retort.
I get a lot of..."your baby is crying". No, really?
I tell people that I am pinching her for my own enjoyment, shuts them up pretty quick.
How about, "She's just really brilliant and I can understand every word that she's saying. It's a conversation we're having!!!" Maybe the sarcasm will get to them?
Or they'll think you're a little loony and run away?
I'm the sort to just keep quiet at the time, perhaps to be polite, but the one thought that's come to mind is to say to them in a surprised (but polite'ish) voice "I'm sorry... do *you* know my baby?" As though you've missed knowing about an acquaintance of Shel's.
If they're pregnant, I'd give them a hard stare and say, "May you have a child who screams all the time, since you'll know just what to do."
Karma's a bitch, baby. They'll get theirs.
Oh girl. I had shivers.
Say this: "Wha? Is the baby crying? Is she? I didn't realize: I was too busy being responsible for my ownself and my baby."
If that doesn't work, a swift drink later does the trick.
The poetic justice in all of it is that in a few short weeks/months those pregnant women are going to be clueless first time moms. Right now, whenever they see a baby/child acting in a way they find negative, they automatically think "Well, MY child will never do that." Haaaahaaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaa.
All of us know that their child WILL do it, and more.
Poor, misguided, newbie moms. =)
(I can say that, because I was like that too, before having children.)
Tell us more about Shel's colick, and what you've tried already. Is she breastfed? Is it worse at certain times of the day? Because we, your internet public, can throw out suggestions AND lift you up, at the same time.
Hang in there!
I've so been there J! More times than I care to count!
No advice from me - I've never known how to respond to the unwanted advice. Of all people, you would think mothers would "get it".
((HUGS))
I can't really think of much...but here is one thing...
The next time someone says you need____ or she needs ___ you can either look them in the eye or talk to Shel and say "you/that person needs to learn to keep their nose on their face...I sure don't need another one to wipe."
That's all I got..sorry.
Once my twins were born, I found I could pretty much never go anywhere again in public without *some* kind of comment about parenting/crying/twins/fertility etc. We are a walking freakshow. Assvice rains down on us ALL THE TIME.
I've found the best solution FOR US is to walk around with a fuck-off face on that prevents people from being interested in talking to us in the first place. Avoiding eye contact is key. And if you see someone heading your way, put your head down, and pretend to be doing something else. You can almost see the assvice forming in their brain on their way to their mouth.
And I've found the times that I do have a retort, I end up seething about it all day. No fun for me or my family. Let karma take care of them.
Oh, Jennifer...I SO feel for you. I used to have the same thing happen with Logan because of his GERD. He would scream and scream and scream, and there was nothing we could do, since we hadn't found the right medication for him yet. And all those people staring in disapproval...they are partially responsible for my transformation into a hermit for the first 8 months of Logan's life! I mean back the fuck off! Did they honestly think I was letting him cry for shits and giggles????
I wish I had a really eloquent come-back for you to use...but all I can think of in response is a huge string of profanities! Sorry!
"Oh I'm sorry you must have confused me with someone who actually asked for your advice."
Just snarky enough!
Tell them Shel is very sensitive to the body odors of strangers.
I had this happen to me, and someone actually told me that I should "try and make a sociable baby next time I go out." I've also had people tell me that I should sedate my son.
I have no words to deal with these people. I mean, do they really think we like listening to our babies scream? Like an acquired taste?
BAH! Rookies.
You could always break down in tears, not so much fun really, but man, it makes those mutherfuckers back off. A crying infant sucks them in like a vortex, but a crying mother of said infant? just screams say something, I dare you.
Okay, so it's not the greatest plan, but I have never been good at thinking of things to say when your stomach feels like lead and assvicers just won't back off. I'm sorry.
I wish I had a really fantastic zinger for you. But I don't. I suck. And I've been there, too.
Ugh, what nerve!! I cannot stand that....especially those morons who talk to your kid about you or what you should be doing. What the f*ck is that about?!?! Hang in there. The colicky phase will pass and those glowing pregnant ladies will soon get their sleepless nights, crying babies and their own dose of unsolicited assvice. As for me, I'm pretty good at giving dirty looks. I never can think of a comeback on the spot.
i've been told my looks can KILL!
i've said: areukiddingmerightnow?
really? how's that working for you?
Urrgh! i hate when the 'perfect' people stare and give you their assvice.
geez. i'm in a mood this week, i betta close my comments now. :)
You bring a home gurl like me to kick ass.
Period.
I think you should just look at the wide-eyed and in your most faux grateful voice say, "Oh my god! Thank you so much! I hadn't thought of that." Then scowl and walk away.
Assholes!
I am so sorry for you! My littlest one had colick, and random people used to tell me that 'he didn't actually have colick' and that I was just doing things wrong. Same suggestions. Same stupid people. For Christ's sake, can't some of the cool mom's just come up to you and tell you that you are doing a good job and not to worry. I wish there was one of those nice moms in that store for you...
When my daughter was a baby she had a cyst at the outside corner of her left eye. Whenever I would take her out in public people would look at me with those looks... horrible, mean... you beat your daughter looks. She had a 'lumpy bruise' on her eye and was just a tiny baby after all.. so it stood to reason that of course I had to have punched her in the eye. I will never forget the last time I put up with it.. I was standing in line and these little old nosy ladies were behind me and I could hear the one whisper (loudly so i could hear it) to the other "Look at that poor little baby, that woman must have really been frustrated, do you think we should do something?". I calmly turned around and said... "If you would like to see her go through surgery that could possibly blind her to remove the CYST off of her eyes, then by all means you go right ahead, however... I would prefer to see her keep her sight and put up with rude, nasty, judgemental comments and stares like yours.
And I turned my back to the gasps of surprise and smiled to myself all the way home.
Perhaps the comment of "I don't remember asking for your advice, thank you." would do it.
I'm not sure, that's a tough one ... I know that my own response would be the same - that is, to say nothing ... I probably wouldn't even make eye contact with the person and would not acknowledge them ... as they say, silence speaks volumes.
Or you could ask some rhetorical questions like:
WOW, you're a pediatrician? Where did you receive your medical education and training? Where did you do your residency in peds?
... Ashley
hahahaha I love what andria said, "I tell people that I am pinching her for my own enjoyment, shuts them up pretty quick." That will go nicely with the shirt I want to make...My last name starts with an "S" and my boyfriend's last name begins with an "M" so baby's shirt will read, "Product of S & M"
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