Hey! You Know What I Love?

I love picking up Ella, feeling wetness on my arm and realizing I'm covered in shit to my elbows.

Speaking of poopy diapers, I adore when I change a poopy diaper and within minutes it's filled again! Yay.

I also love when I make Carson's favorite lunch and he proceeds to pitch most of it on the floor and tells the dogs "sank sou" (thank you) when they gobble it up. Ahh. Gee. Manners.

My favorite is when I stumble groggily back to bed at 4 AM after feeding Ella only to nearly pass out from the noxious odor that awaits me. It's even better if Tate starts giggling like a school girl and I get to punch him in the back.

I love shopping at Walfart, running errands in traffic while listening to the same Thomas DVD over and over and over, balancing the checkbook, sitting on hold with the comcastic shitastic cable company, trying on clothes in dressing rooms and having the fluorescent lighting cast a lovely glow over my cottage cheese...

What do you love?

I am not in a bad mood, I am not in a bad mood, I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood.

Smoke Break

When I say I need a break, it may not be because there's something wrong. A needed break is not a result of poor children's behavior or a bad day. It may be because I've read Freight Train 200 times. Or I've made countless peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Chased Carson over miles in just the living room and foyer. Sung Little Bunny Foo Foo until I was hoarse. Wiped syrup out of hair and poo off of hineys too many times to count.

But why do I have to justify or explain a break? Even short order cooks, maids, secretaries, child care workers, and laundresses get breaks. They don't only get breaks on bad days. They get breaks because it's the law! And! They deserve it.

So I deserve a break, too.

And yes, I did have a break yesterday morning. Does that somehow extinguish the need for any breaks ever again? Since I'm a Mom, am I exempt from breaks on consecutive days?

The kids have been terrific this weekend. I'm not mad, sad, or bored. I just want a break. With quiet. Without responsibilities.

One hour. It's not too much to ask, is it?

This concludes my rant. Thank you for listening.

I'm So Mad I Could Spit is the Best Title I Can Come Up With Right Now

Since I'm a big, giant weenie and hate confrontation, when a business makes me angry, I do the only thing I know to do. I write a letter. Yes, I know that when they receive this letter, the manager and employees sit around laughing at me and calling me every name in the book. Truly, I wish I could confront these offenders in person, but when I'm mad I lose the ability to speak in complete, coherent sentences. And I cry, well, blubber really. It's embarrassing. So, the letter has always been my only recourse.

I've written my fair share of letters to businesses in the past who've pissed me off. Target, Olive Garden, and Sears Portrait Studio have all been on the receiving end of a scathing letter, damning the injustice bestowed upon me.

So in lieu of a traditional face to face smackdown, here's the letter I'd like to send to Walgreens after yet another irritating experience with their pharmacy drive-thru.

Dear Manager of Shitty-Ass Walgreens Pharmacy,
F*ck you and all your bitch-ass employees. You've f*cked with me one time too many. Next time you piss me off and refuse my discount prescription card with your lame-ass excuses and then f*ck up my receipt, I'm going to come straight through that plate glass window and whoop your ass. You hear me? I'm not f*cking around.

F*ck you very much,
Jennifer Playgroupie
Your Worst Nightmare

Too much?

Yes, I suspect it is. It doesn't make me seem intelligent, but rather like a Jerry Springer wanna be. Here's what I think I'll send instead. Feel free to offer suggestions to make it sound just "go f*ck yourself" enough without making me sound like I'm T-RASH.

Dear Walgreens Pharmacy Manager,
RE: transaction on Tuesday Morning, August 21, 2007

I am writing this letter to convey my displeasure over this morning's transaction. Every time I come to the drive-through, I'm inconvenienced and treated rudely by your staff. This morning was no different, as your clerk informed me that the Prevacid Discount Card required a new prescription before it could be used. I read the fine print on the card and the paperwork I received from Prevacid and I'm sure that your need for a new prescription is false. However, since I'm not one to argue, I didn't question with the clerk.

I also didn't complain when your clerk then made an error and was not able to print a regular receipt. Instead I got a receipt printed on typing paper that looked like something I could have typed myself at home. Since I pay for prescriptions with my Flexible Spending Account card, I am often asked to provide proof with a receipt that the purchases made were indeed allowable. The receipt you provided will not be sufficient for proof and I'll be forced to reimburse my own FSA, as I'm sure they will deny the charge.

These are just two examples from one experience with your pharmacy. I could list all the times you've inconvenienced me or were rude like when I waited for 45 minutes at the drive-thru window with a screaming newborn or the time your pharmacy failed to fill my mastitis medication eventhough you'd had the prescription for eight hours, but I think these examples are sufficient in conveying my utter and complete dismay. In all of these experiences, not once has anyone ever said "I'm sorry for your inconvenience" or "Thank you so much for your patience."

Since you are the only drive-thru pharmacy in {Shitty Town}, AL, I feel that I'm forced to keep my prescriptions with you. However, I'm through being friendly and not complaining. The next time I'm inconvenienced (and of course there will be a next time, you've already exhibited a pattern), I'm going to complain loudly. I will keep complaining until you've have met my needs.


Please consider training your employees in basic manners that include using words such as "thank you" and "I'm sorry." These simple changes could do a lot for disgruntled customers such as myself.

Thank you,

Jennifer Playgroupie

*******
The letter is....lacking. It needs more "oomph." Help!!


Please? See, I know how to use MY manners.

What's Her Name...What are You Going to Call Her?

When Parent Bloggers Network came up with this Blog Blast topic, you know I couldn't possibly pass up an opportunity to bitch about annoying questions that I've been asked.

The hard part is going to be for me to FOCUS!! Having to pick just one annoying question I've been asked when pregnant or when I was a new Mom is going to be challenge.

Could it be questions that weren't even asked of me, but instead asked of my daughter, the newborn? You know those questions, where some jackass comes up to you and your crying baby and asks the baby "is your mommy just not feeding you? You poor thing."

Or they make a backhanded comment to the baby (again, who's a newborn) like "you aren't wearing any socks?!" or "you don't have a pacifier?!"

I also hate the questions from complete strangers that always swarm like mosquitoes whenever I'm out in public with Shel and she is crying. "Have you tried gripe water, swaddling, a chiropractor, Mylanta, holding her upright, holding her on her side, holding her....?"

Oh my yes, those are very annoying questions.

But the ultimate fingers on the chalkboard question has to be "what's her name?"

Seems like an innocent enough question and one that is commonly asked of all new Moms. The problem begins when I tell them her name and people respond with "well, what are you going to call her?," or "oh."

Apparently, everyone, including my own mother, hates her name.

Too bad I'm too chicken to use all the wonderful advice you bestowed upon me in this post when handling these people. And it would probably be really inappropriate, if not sick and twisted to use the butt-out tool.

Since it happens quite frequently, I've begun to respond to people by simply saying, "Her name just fits her, I think. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl." Why do I have to be so....diplomatic?!

But maybe Parent Bloggers Network has the right idea on how to handle assvice-happy strangers...

Don’t you wish you could have just handed them this?

The Nice Way to Say F*ck Off

Here's the scene...

Location: Babies R Us

The Characters: Lots of first time pregnant women with their mothers and me and a screaming Shel

As I'm browsing with my screaming daughter, who has JUST eaten, I'm receiving lots of stares. Stares that say "THAT woman needs to help her baby, THAT woman is a terrible mother, THAT woman needs my assvice."

Please note that just a little while back I asked all of you for advice as to how to help Shel with her colic. I'm eternally grateful for this advice for which I asked.

I do not, however, take kindly to people (specifically strangers whom don't even have their own kids yet) spewing off assvice as if they've taken verbal ex-lax.

Here's what I heard...

"Have you tried to hold her upright, she looks so uncomfortable how you're holding her."

To Shel..."Your Mommy just isn't paying any attention to you is she?!"

"That is one hungry baby."

"Get yourself some (you fill in the blank) and she'll never cry again. It worked like a charm for my best friend's, uncle's, next door neighbor's, veterinarian who had a colicky baby."

"She needs her binky." (This after Shel has spit it out in brutal anger for the umpteenth time.)

I didn't say anything to these people for fear of bursting into tears. Not tears of frustration, but the hot, angry tears you get when you feel backed into a corner, minimized, looked at with scorn.

I need a really good come back for times like these, as they will continue as long as I go in public and Shel is colicky. I want to say something to the effect of f*ck off, but more eloquently.

Any suggestions? (Getting advice when asking for it...cool! Getting assvice from randoms...Infuriating.)