Playing Fantasy BlogHer

I'm so sad to inform you all that I am NOT the winner of the free ticket to BlogHer '07 in Chicago courtesy of Parent Bloggers Network and Light Iris. I'd link them but the f*ckers didn't pick me, so this is my only way to get revenge. Hee, hee, actually, I'm not angry. In reality, I'm a little relieved.

See, I don't know if I've mentioned, but I had a baby a month ago. Lil' Miss Shel would have had to come along with me on my trek to crash BlogHer. Oh the fun us two gals could've had! Yeah, uh, not so much. Getting drunk, hanging out at bars, and not having access to a swing would probably have caused us both permanent damage and years and years of therapy bills. I get nervous flying, let alone with a colicky baby (oh yeah, had I mentioned that she's all sorts of fussy again...I'm referencing all that advice you bestowed upon me, thanks again!). It's doubtful too many of the other BlogHer attendees would have wanted to shack up with me and my squalling infant, so the hotels costs could have probably brought groceries for my family for the next three months.

Instead of actually going, I've been forced to dream up my Fantasy BlogHer experience. I imagine that the conference and adjoining get togethers would look an awful lot like a high school reunion where you actually liked the people you went to high school with. There's certainly lots of squealing, jumping up and down, laughing, pats on the back, "oh my gawd!!!, I love your blogs!," and ego stroking. Lots and lots of ego stroking. At Fantasy BlogHer, everyone attends and everything is free!

Eventhough this is a fantasy, I'd still be intimidated as hell, requiring two drinks to relax and actually allow me to talk to everyone. Anymore than two drinks and my hugs may get a little too long and my words slurred just enough to get an escort from security.

First of all, there are several bloggers out there whose writing abilities put my silly little blog's content to shame. They make my writing skills look like those of a second grader, misusing words and punctuation. I don't even know if I could hang with the likes of Catherine from Her Bad Mother, Amy at Amalah, Kelly from A Child is Born, Twas Brillig, Bon from Crib Chronicles, or Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored. It's likely that I would suddenly develop a stutter or I would completely forget the English language, making all communication attempts useless.

My blogging inspirations, many of which are courtesy of Club Mom, would definitely be on my "must meet" list. Linda from All & Sundry and Purple is a Fruit, Lena at The Cheeky Lotus, Beth at Diary of a Playgroup Dropout, and Rockstar Mommy would get big old wet ones from me. Well, not really. I fear that security would be sent for me...again.

Some bloggers that I'd love to meet would probably end up getting sued for payment of my medical bills as a result of the sidesplitting laughter they are sure to induce. Kristi from Here in Idaho, Jessica from Oh the Joys, Bossy from i am bossy, and elasticwastebandlady from The Smiling Infidel are a few of those bloggers who crack my shit up. I wish I had 1% of the funny these women possess.

Many of you just have all around great blogs. Hopefully, I wouldn't make too big an ass of myself (although it's highly unlikely) meeting Elizabeth from Table 4 Five, Jenny from Absolutely Bananas, Mamma from Mamma Loves, Cate from A Beautiful Life, Swistle, Tulip Mom, Kara at You Can't Reason With Crazy, or Worker Mommy from Because I Must Blog.

Then there's the gals that I'm sure would be my BFF's forevah if only we knew each other in real life. Brandy from It's Like I'm Magic..., my long lost sister, probably thinks I've forgotten all about her since I haven't commented on her blog in a while. But, I've been reading, don't worry, Brandy! Casey from moosh in indy., Erika from Plain Jane Mom, Auburn Gal Always (I know your real name, I just don't know that everyone else does), Janet from Dancing Through (it's okay that we don't share a love for reality TV!), Sarah at In the Trenches of Mommyhood, and Christina at a Mommmy Story are my blog soulmates. I know they may not realize we're blog soulmates, but we either have a lot in common or I just think I love them. Please don't call security.

Getting to BlogHer would be a great, fun, drinking fest on a private jet with my IRL frienda. Shut up, it's my fantasy and there are private jets. And Josh Duhamel, scantilly clad serving our drinks. Sara, Heather, Megan, Amanda, Kim, Melanie, and Jen all have reserved seats.

I only left out about a gazillion of you...but you're not forgotten. Do you know how long it took to put in all those frickin' links? Too long and I gave up. But I hope you'll all join me at Fantasy BlogHer! And please, don't call security. I'm harmless.