Ask Teh Internets: Those Meddling In laws
I recently received an email from a reader asking for my assvice.
Assvice? From me? I never know what to do! I'm usually the one seeking the assvice.
So as I was saying, I received an email from a reader wanting to know how to handle her Mother-in-law. Here's the situation in a nutshell...
Her 4-year-old daughter is shy in large gatherings and social situations, but is talkative and social in smaller groups.
The grandfather spooked this little girl and now she is afraid of him.
The grandmother mentioned to this mom that they think she has symptoms of autism because of her social skills.
Mom didn't have time to respond, but knows she needs to say something. She doesn't have a great relationship with her in laws and would like to know what to say when it comes up again.
Since I run screaming from conflict and confrontation like a big ol' sissy and I have fabulous in laws, I didn't really know what to tell her. You all have offered me some of the best advice (like when the women at Story Time tick me off, or when I needed to know the nice way to say f*ck off to pesky, rotten strangers when Ella was a newborn).
How should this mom respond to her MIL's assertion that the daughter has signs of autism? What would you say?
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I'd be happy to make this "Ask Teh Internets" a feature on my blog if anyone else would like advice/assvice about something with which you are having a problem and you don't want to post about it on your own blog. Just email me the details of the situation and I'll post your story here. You can be anonymous if you'd like or I'll link to your blog if you would prefer that.
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Ask Teh Internets
23 People are even more brilliant:
I don't think it's possible to ASK FOR assvice. Assvice is unsolicited, unwelcome, unpleasant advice. Um, if you wanted my assvice on that.
This is a terrible conundrum, and I face this all the time with my MIL. She creates a reaction, then blames it on the child via "concern" for the child. SHE'S A WITCH I HATE HER.
Oh, advice. Yes. Something similar happened with my MIL: she spooked Rob when he was a toddler, and tried to hug him when we'd warned her he didn't like touch. She said she thought he should be tested for autism. I said, "Oh! His pediatrician says he's completely normal, but I'll be sure to pass along your concerns."
In the specific example, I would say to the grandmother, "Oh, no, her social skills are fine. I mean, like most children, she of course gets shy if people are too aggressive [or whatever the grandfather did] with her."
I agree with previous-- she needs to be firm, yet respectful. Unless you have a Mother in Law like I do. One who steals your vicadin after you get home from the hospital....Wait wait. I know this isn't about me.
She does need to draw the line though. Boundaries are set now about what is and is not appropriate.
-HH
I'd just say in a non committal way, "Ok, thank you for your suggestion."
Ok, who am I kidding?? I'd freak out and be furious!
But in hind sight I'd realize that a non committal answer will help keep the peace and let MIL feel like she was heard.
I have meddling in-laws. Shhh don't tell them, they don't know that...
Know what I do?
I tell my husband what to say to them and he says it. I stay clean and pussy-like and he does the dirty work for me.
It's all good.
After I punched my MIL in the head I would calmly say "you are only seeing a small portion of her life. (Its about to become even smaller if you don't shut the hell up.) I know my daughter and I am not concerned. Lots of kids are shy. She might outgrow it, she might not. I'm not concerned."
And then I'd kick her for good measure.
For one, the MIL probably has her mind made up already so nothing "Assvice" chick can say is going to change MIL's mind.
I think the best course of action would be to acknowledge MIL's fears, but "Assvice" chick should make sure that she tells MIL that she's not concerned.
Also, I don't think that it's something that I would bring up out of the blue.
I personally like Karly's suggestion, but that wouldn't be something I could irl. lol
I always say something like, "we talked to the Dr and he says XYZ is completely normal." (MY mil is a nurse so that shuts her up fast.)
Then, when they are gone, I get all pissy and post about them on my blog and then worry they will google me and find it.
heh
This might not be the most helpful, but what if anonymous told MIL that anonymous was shy just like that when she was little. That way the MIL can just blame anonymous (which she was probably already doing) and realize that the child would outgrow it.
I don't really have an MIL, so the assvice might not be the best here.
Little Miss doesn't like men! Once she gets to know them she will drive them nuts. She just started talking to my FIL like 2 years ago. Kids like and dislike people and things all the time. She should tell her MIL to go F*** herself and if she has concerns, then she should check with her doctor.
Okay, I have no advice because I'm just like you-- terrified of confrontation and blessed with awesome in-laws. But! I did want to say that I love the idea of "Ask Teh Internets" as a series!!!
So, ditto on the awesome in-laws (but they drive me crazy trying to make sure ds is "safe" - FIL is an accident reconstruction specialist)
I don't know how well this MIL would react to "out of the blue" comments, but it might be better to talk to her when everyone is feeling relaxed rather than let her "complain" about it. I do also think that a "thanks for your concern, but the doctor says she's completely normal" response is probably going to shut her up without being too confrontational (I HATE confrontation as well!)
Just my 2 cents!
I can't deal with my in-laws either. So, I can so relate. I would calmly either call or email that the child was developmentally fine just shy around certain people. I would even maybe send a video of the child talking/interacting to prove the point.
Great advice ^^^ there.
I was just going to say have the little girl run screaming from said "grampers" whenever they come around and then have her hug and love everyone else... then just shrug and say "huh, kids and dogs" what are you gonna do?
Seriously, sounds like they're just self centered and it couldn't possibly be their fault.
I like the comparing the kid to the mom and saying she's just shy. Family can really suck sometimes. Poor momma.
Oh the loose banding about of the autism label.
My soapbox!
I swear autism is to this generation what ADD was to the previous generation. The blanket reason for any child that exhibits anything out of the norm at all.
I am the confrontational type. I'd begin to watch the IL's for odd behaviors, then point out the autism in them.
Haha!
Or better yet, I'd say that social oddities are common in bright, gifted children and with think Little Jane is really smart!
See, I have the opposite problem. My MIL (who is a dear woman...but totally clueless in many things), who once worked in the special needs field (WTF?)...tends to give me the "Well, I don't see it" speech too often. Funny thing...she didn't see it in her own SON, either...and Molly is just like her Daddy.
But I digress...that's not advice.
How I, the chickenshit of all chickenshits, deal with my MIL when she gets like this is one of two ways...
1. I have DH speak with them. Things are less offensive when they come from flesh and blood...and after a lifetime of living with them, DH knows better how to say it.
OR
2. I nod and smile. Say, "I'll keep an eye on it" or "Social issues are only one symptom of autism...but we'll look into it." and let it drop. Something that acknowledges it, but is non-commital to the possibility.
But that's just me :P
I've had this problem before. (Although my daughter does have autism.) My father used to constantly ask me if there was something wrong with her, because she was always shy around him. Because he saw a special on autism on Oprah, he was convinced Cordy had autism. (gotta love armchair medicine!)
At first I didn't know what to say. Finally, I just asked him, "Do you have a medical degree? No? Then let's leave her health to the professionals, shall we?"
OK, that might be a little rude for the MIL. I've become forward like that. Instead, she could always say, "We'll ask the pediatrician at the next visit," then tell her all is well the next time you see her.
This just made me think of my own MIL and her insensitive comments and now I'll ragey and incapable of clear thought -- oh, hey -- maybe your friend could lace MIL's drinks with Valium.
Or she could just take the Valium herself with similar effects?
Sorry. I'm bad at this. I usually say the wrong thing when I get mad at my in-laws and then they get hurt and all "Why doesn't she like us?" whiney, whiney ...
Must. Stop. Now. Feel rant coming on.
Hmm, that's a toughie. I got nothin'. Sorry, been a hard day.
I think I'd probably get her son to handle it, or say something that was non-confrontational, but let her know she'd crossed a line like, "Thank you for your concern, but she's really only shy in large groups and that's common in young children."
Also my now five year old was afraid of my dad for a while (a couple of years ago). There wasn't a specific incident, he can just be loud and use a stern voice that sh wasn't used to. We talked about it and he just sort of took it easy and didn't push things with her and she's fine with him now. I would definitely get your husband to talk to his father though, you shouldn't have to do that part.
And finally, Jennifer, I think that Ask Teh Internets is a fabulous blog idea! Love it!
I love Karly's advice!! But I have awful in-laws too. The "kick her for good measure" part just cracked me up.
Anyway, to keep the peace, do the "offer to pass along concerns" while at the same time letting her know that according to the pediatrician, she is perfectly normal and on track.
That just wouldn't be my course of action because if someone opens up a subject like that about MY kids, all bets are off. And luckily, my hubby supports me with that kind of stuff.
I was gonna say what Heather said: in society, autism is the ADD of 10 years ago. Sad, really.
In my case, it's MY mother who is like this. I've learned to ignore most of what she says. Partly because I don't want to deal with it and partly because if I said something, it would be such a zinger (you KNOW me, right?) and I don't want my kids hearing me say stuff like that to Grandma. It's just better all around for me to keep my trap shut (hard for me!) for the sake of the kids.
I'm with Nell (shocking, I know), but I think the husband should talk to his jerk of a mother. I have insane people for in-laws so I feel her pain.
Oh, and I'm so behind on commenting. Sorry! Looks like you're doing just fine without me though. Look at all of your comments! More proof that you are awesome.
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