Hey! You Know What I Love?

I love picking up Ella, feeling wetness on my arm and realizing I'm covered in shit to my elbows.

Speaking of poopy diapers, I adore when I change a poopy diaper and within minutes it's filled again! Yay.

I also love when I make Carson's favorite lunch and he proceeds to pitch most of it on the floor and tells the dogs "sank sou" (thank you) when they gobble it up. Ahh. Gee. Manners.

My favorite is when I stumble groggily back to bed at 4 AM after feeding Ella only to nearly pass out from the noxious odor that awaits me. It's even better if Tate starts giggling like a school girl and I get to punch him in the back.

I love shopping at Walfart, running errands in traffic while listening to the same Thomas DVD over and over and over, balancing the checkbook, sitting on hold with the comcastic shitastic cable company, trying on clothes in dressing rooms and having the fluorescent lighting cast a lovely glow over my cottage cheese...

What do you love?

I am not in a bad mood, I am not in a bad mood, I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood. I am not in a bad mood.

The Mom Uniform

I read this post by the moosh's mommy yesterday and came to a very sad realization. Her two-year-old dresses far better than me and I have little hope of dressing that cute any time in the near future. Or ever.

Sigh.

I need help, lots and lots of help (think Stacy and Clinton) with my style. This is my obviously lacking wardrobe. Prepare to be underwhelmed.

Here are my lone pair of jeans. In the event that I am actually going to *gasp* leave the house, these are the pants I wear. I have had them since 2003.


Can you tell?...


Here are the three shirts I rotate over and over and over when I'm out on work release. The one on the left is what I wear if I know I'll have to feed Ella, since it's easy access. It also makes me look like a skanky ho-bag.



I remember I bought this shirt at TJ Maxx in Knoxville. I moved away from Knoxville in 2003.


Did someone say drab? Did I hear someone refer to my shirt color choices as poop?

If my biggest plans for the day are to clean the toilets and wipe butts, I wear one of these two pairs of shorts, paired with an old, tattered sorority T-shirt.



Check the date on these shorts...1992. They are 15-years-old. I should have gotten rid of them 10 years ago.



Once it gets "cold," I'll wear these yoga pants.



I'm obviously in the midst of a very serious clothing crisis as we speak. I don't know how to dress as a mom, battling spit-up and jelly-covered fingers on a daily basis. Everything I see in stores seems too "young," too "old," or impractical. Where are the clothes for 32 year old women who want to look semi-fashionable, yet won't collapse into a puddle of her own misery when (not if) the outfit becomes soiled?

What do you wear on a daily basis? (Hint: I'm wanting to hear that your wardrobe is as bad, if not worse than mine. Thank you in advance.) Do you have any style suggestions that can help me to expand my wardrobe?

Stacy? Clinton? Sugar Daddy?

Suave's Marketing Campaign Makes Me Want to Yell, "I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!"

Have you seen Suave's advertising campaign geared toward Moms?

Since I'm thrifty (it sounds better than cheap), I've used Suave shampoo and conditioner for many years. On my most recent conditioner purchase, this is what was written on the back of the bottle:

"Every mom can ride the bus to beautiful.

Instructions:
*Get kids safely to school and retreat to shower. For best results, use with Suave Volumizing Shampoo and Volumizing Foam before your grown-up playdate.
*Apply conditioner and leave on for 3 minutes. Use the time to plan an outfit that does not involve an elastic waitstband.
*And while you're at it, do something else just for you - like pick up a big foamy latte or restock your lingerie drawer. Fully. With the likes of things that drawer has never seen."

Advertisers realizing that we want more out of life than quick-fix meals and coupons!?! On Suave's website, they provide several interesting factoids about how mothers devote very little time to themselves. For example, did you know that on average, women devote 87.9 minutes to meals and 4.2 minutes to their hair? I think this type of marketing to mothers is genius. The fact that Suave hasn't forgotten that although Moms spend the majority of their time tending to others' needs, we are also women, who enjoy and deserve to be pampered. Reading this bottle of conditioner left me cheering. Apparently, I'm not the only one.

According to a USA Today article, this type of marketing has boosted Suave's sales, which were up 3% at the end of August. Like the Dove ads which featured women of all shapes and sizes, advertisers seem to have found a niche with women and mothers. I love that they see us as people with buying power, and as women who want to feel beautiful.

Maybe it's a bit simplistic to think that simply washing my hair with a Suave shampoo is going to help the women in me come out, especially since I spend the vast majority of my days covered in spit-up. However, the fact that this ad campaign speaks to the fact that I deserve more than daily laundry and tantrum control, leaves me wanting to hi-five the ad executives who realized this often overlooked fact. Since hi-fives are unlikely, I'll just continue to buy my Suave Sleek Shampoo, Conditioner, and Smoothing Liqui-Gel.

By the way, this is NOT a product review. I'm just so delighted by their ad campaign that I couldn't resist writing about it.

Source, Source, Source

Technorati Tags: Suave, Marketing to Women, Marketing to mothers, Consumer Review

My Blog is Going to Have to be My Personal Trainer

I haven't mentioned my attempts at running lately. Remember how I am I was doing the Couch to 5K program? Also, I had a little wager working with Mrs. Flinger that we'd both at least walk 3 days a week or ELSE.

I'm facing the "or ELSE." I've failed to run, walk, or actually do anything besides continuing to be a lazy, cottage cheesy, slug. But I have excuses. Really, really good excuses.

See?

1. Well I am a slug.
2. I have had lots of blog related "work" to do.
3. It's been hot. Since March. And humid. Since the beginning of time.
4. My children are very demanding and expect to be fed several times a day.
5. A root has grown out of my ass and into the cushions of the couch, making it difficult to get up.

Never fear, though.

I'm back on track as of RIGHT! THIS! INSTANT! From now until Thanksgiving, I'm going to eat less, eat better, and drink at least 6 glasses of water a day. (I know "they" recommend 8, but I'm barely drinking 3, so I'm being realistic.) Also, I'm going to try and walk, maybe run, at least twice per week.

I'm motivated! I don't want my friends back home to see me this LARDY when we're back for Thanksgiving!

This post is merely acting as a disapproving personal trainer, shaking his head, holding a clipboard filled with my previous failed attempts, and blowing his whistle at me to GET OFF MY COMPUTER and REMOVE THAT ROOT FROM MY ASS.

Fine! I'm going. To run. And drink water. And hide my computer.

Evidence That I'm a Slug

I have a confession to make.

I've been slacking on my Couch to 5K running program.

Here are the reasons excuses why:

1. It's hotter than hell right now.

2. The heat makes me feel like I'm dying, when I'm only just jogging.

3. I can only run when Tate is home and it's after dinnertime and bath time and bed time. By the time all that is done, it's 8 o'clock. And it's almost dark. It's scary to run in the dark in my neighborhood. There are loose dogs and this...



4. Since it's dark, I can't see my watch and I end up trying to count the time I'm running. It goes something like this...
...15-one thousand, 16-one thousand, 17 one-thousand...(I'll lose my spot in counting because I'm close to death)...20 one-thousand, 42 one-thousand, 43 one-thousand, 60 one-thousand!
I need to figure out a better system here.

5. I'd rather eat Ben and Jerry's Banana Split ice cream.
(Have you tried this ice cream? It may very well be worth a large ass, 'cause seriously, it's spectacular.)

Here's one last confession. When I do run, I actually enjoy it. Shh, don't tell anyone.

Recap of Running: Day Two, A Tip, and A Plea

Recap of Running: Day two

I f*cking did it. What more do you want from me?

A Tip for those of you doing the Couch to 5K program

Don't drink a margarita, three beers, and eat every last morsel on your overloaded plate of Mexican food the night before you plan to run.

Plea

Tomorrow, I'm starting a gig over at MamaPop. I need your support like your boobies need the support of a good bra.

Please come be my bra tomorrow.

My Legs and I Thank You For Your Support

I am twelve weeks post partum and I've barely lost any weight. I am still wearing my maternity shorts and jeans. By five weeks post partum with my son, I was already wearing a size that I hadn't worn since college. Please don't roll your eyes at me, I roll my eyes at myself enough as it is.

I naively assumed that the weight would melt away like last time. Unfortunately, the cottage cheese on my behind appears to have been applied with super glue. I've been reading about Swistle's idea to do the Couch to 5K program and I would absolutely like to participate. It's just that I am better at coming up with reasons why I can't do this better than why I should and can do this...

Reasons why I can't...

1. It's 80 million degrees in Lower Alabama, making any outdoor activity really unpleasant.

2. Running in and of itself is really unpleasant.

3. I'm a slug.

4. My fat would jiggle and that would be embarrassing for me and my neighbors.

5. I don't know how I would make time for exercising. It would cut into my precious alone time with my laptop.

6. We have mosquitoes the size of elephants here and they all target me.

7. Exercise makes me soooore and reeeeaaaaalllly whiiiiiiiiny.

8. Did I mention the unpleasantness of the temperature outside?

Reasons why I can...

1. I have legs.

Reasons why I should...

1. My legs are fat, especially the region closest to my ass.

Although the list is short, those are rather compelling reasons as to why I can and should participate in some sort of exercise program. So, I'm going to be joining in the unpleasantness known as running with Swistle. It'll most likely be a modified version. Slugs like me need modifications. And I'm blogging about it as a way to have some sort of accountability.

Beginning today, tomorrow at the latest (well maybe next week at the latest), I'm going to get started on this Couch to 5K program. Wish me and my fat legs luck.