Confirming My Status as an Overachiever

Tate and I did not waste our extra hour yesterday. No we did not. Actually it worked out to be about two extra hours since we were up at 5:30. I don't know how the math works, but it seemed like we were given two extra hours. Just trust me.

So how did we spend our extra two hours, you ask? We went on an organizing rampage, that's what we did! Or an orgampage*, if you will. I've always been incredibly organized, except for the last two years when I suddenly became a slob, or a mother. (Not that I'm saying mothers are slobs, I'm just saying that motherhood forced me into slobdom.)

We were orgampaging fools having completely overhauled our office and utility/junk closet! Somehow we managed to fill three trash bags full of shredded paper (I curse you junk mail!!), plus three more trash bags of just plain old everyday trash. While we were organizing I came across some very interesting (to me, anyway) items. For example, keys! Lots and lots of keys! I have no earthly idea what holes these keys belong to, but I'm sure that I'll figure it out soon since we threw all of them away. I found phone books from both Knoxville and Decatur. Why I saved them, I don't know. I also found Jesus at the bottom of one of the filing drawers. There He was just hanging out. Poor Guy had fallen off of a wall plaque that I'd stashed away.

Tate and I (luckily) found our long-lost Bubba teeth. I think it's obvious why we had been saving these. That's pure comedy GOLD right there.

(Boy you sure do have a purdy mouth.)

The things I was even more disturbed to find, were these notes that I'd taken about Carson when he was a baby. I think the following confirm my status as an overanalyzer and overachiever.

I realize the above picture of notes is difficult to read. Exactly what it says really isn't the point, though. The point is that I was taking detailed, minute by minute notes about my baby, trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with this child and why on Earth he never stopped crying. "11/29/05, Shushed and rocked (side-to-side) for 3 minutes. Still crying." "Eat 9:53, Activity, diaper change, face washed, began crying 10:59." These notes made me kinda sad, remembering those desperate early days.

Then I found this note...

This is a very specific schedule I tried to implement with Carson after his 6 month appointment with the pediatrician and she told me how much he should be sleeping and precisely how much he should be eating. (He had been eating and sleeping just fine.) I attempted to implement this ever so carefully crafted schedule and menu. As if! Silly first time parents! This note made me giggle.

Next weekend we're planning round two of our orgampage! Kitchen cabinets, my closet, and the spare bathroom cabinets will be returned to their original glory! Hey, if you're lucky, I'll even liveblog it.

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*I made that word up. Feel free to use it. Webster's, if you heed this call, just be sure to give me credit and post the address to this blog as payment.

Live Blogging: Saturday (Nothing Special is Happening, My Life is Just That Exciting)

Welcome to the first Saturday edition of GoBloMeMoFo. Creative juices are dried up so I thought I'd liveblog my day.

Please beware of drool on the keyboard when you fall asleep. Moisture and keyboards are not friends.

12:00 AM...I'm sleeping.
12:30 AM...Still sleeping.
1:00 AM...Ditto.

(Just kidding. I mean, I was indeed sleeping at those times, but I'm not going to do hourly updates. Sheesh.)

Just when I've finally somehow managed to get both children sleeping until about 7:30, the time change is upon us and all sleep progress we've made will be flushed down the toilet. HEAVY sigh. Our plans for the day are to wear out Carson as much as we can, keep him up past his regular bedtime and pray that he'll magically adapt.

Dear sweet jeebus, please, please, please don't let this time change screw up our happy lives with cranky toddlers/infants who find themselves unable to sleep past 5 AM. Amen. And one more thing, I'd like to have lots of money. And world peace. Amen.

Today we're going to Greekfest with intentions of eating gyros and loukoumades washed down with gallons of ouzo. Opa! (Not really the ouzo, ew, but gyros and loukoumades...mmmmmm.) Before we can go, it's imperative that I vacuum. Dog hair has taken over my home and is staying up all hours of the night and drinking all the beer we have in the house.

So far this liveblogging is fascinating. And quite possibly a surefire way to put you right to sleep. Please come back later to hear about 1) Greekfest, 2) Vacuuming, 3) Attempts to wear Carson out, 4) Pictures!
TTFN!

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10:22 We're supposed to leave for Greekfest in 8 minutes. Very unlikely to happen since I've just started nursing Ella and have yet to get the diaper bag ready [remember to pack diapers, wipes, snacks, extra clothes, bib, spoon, stage 1 applesauce, cell phone, cash] and Carson is throwing a tantrum and Tate hasn't even showered. Stayed tuned for more! Thrilling! Updates!

**********
1:55 We've (already) returned from Greekfest and I'm feeling quite cross. For all the trouble we went through just to get ourselves out of the door, swing by the ATM, endure non-stop Thomas the Train DVD's, park, and walk, I'm rather irritated that all we did was eat. We went with another family and (I hate to call them cheap, so I'll call them "thrifty. But when you see the word "thrifty," know that I really mean cheap...) they are thrifty. We ate mmm, mmm, mmm delicioso greek dinner plates with orzo, Greek salad, lamb, green beans, pastichio, and spanikopita. After eating, we went over to the children's play area. Our thrifty friends did not wish to pay $5 per child, so we left. The end.

I hope my mood improves or the remaining post will look as if Debbie Downer commandeered my blog.

To cheer myself up, I'm going to go eat my baklava now.

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6:06 Baklava and retail therapy (and comments!) does a body good. I know better than to step foot inside those discount stores like Fred's or Dollar General. Cleaning products! $1!! Hangers! $1!! Laundry Basket $2.49!! Storage bins! 2/$4!! I just can't stop myself in those places. I get up to the checkout and suddenly I've spent $20 on a bunch of plastic stuff.

The best part of my shopping trip, though, was at Sears Essentials here in Shitty Town, AL. Guess what I got?

...


Wow, guessing games don't work so well in blog posts, so I'll just tell you what I got! Jeans! Opa! Two pairs!! Opa! Also two new non-brown shirts! Opa!

This now concludes the exclamation point laden part of this post. Thank you for reading.

See ya later alligators.

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9:15 Pictures! Of new clothes! You asked, I produce.





I did everything in my power to look as skinny as possible. Per the advice of Stacy and Clinton, I bought dark wash jeans (2 pair), straight leg, lower rise. The shirts are slightly fitted, not too tight, not too brown. All purchased on sale at Sears. The shirts were $10 each and the jeans were $24.99 each.

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10:12 I'm going to finish my glass of wine then I'm going to bed.

This concludes Saturday's liveblogging.

Aaaaaaand g'night.

Duck! Here Come the Bullets!! Version 2 y.o.

For those of us busy moms on the go, here is a brief synopsis of several posts in my head presented in handy and convenient bulleted list form.

• Yesterday's photo montage has been taken down since every time I tried to watch it, my computer would lock up. So sorry if it caused you the same hassle.
• Speaking of yesterday's post, I tried and tried to write a sentimental letter for Carson, but I kept focusing on his colicky start to life and writing sentences like "I'd have given you away if a nice couple had by happenstance, knocked on our door and offered to give you a loving home."
• Carson's party went off fabulously, the only spill was my own. My kitchen floor has yet to be mopped, which MUST happen rather soon or it's possible our feet could become permanently affixed to the lemonade covered floor.
• Carson chose the day of his party to lay off the incessant whining of which he's suddenly become the resident expert. All party attendees should be eternally grateful. I for one, am eternally grateful for this unexpected day of respite from his whining. On Friday he whined so much while I was failing at decorating his baseball cupcakes, I had to put him in his room for his own safety.
• His excitement for the Thomas the Train videos that he received courtesy of The Queen of Shake-Shake, by far surpassed the excitement of any gift Tate or I gave him. He rejected the Hi-5 video with disdain, was befuddled by the Mr. Potato Head, and rode his 4 wheeler for all of 2 minutes.
• Baked beans could very well end up being the catalyst for beginning marriage counseling. I was heard saying this sentence on Saturday, "Yes, Tate, they are delicious, but nobody should eat that many baked beans at one sitting. If you eat all of those, you'll be sleeping on the couch." Check out my recipe blog for the recipe. They really are great, but should be eaten in small doses that can be managed effectively in your body.
• Have I mentioned I got a new camera? No? That's odd, I'm sure I'd mentioned it since I love it so freaking much...Anyway enjoy a few pics from this weekend. And yes, Janet, I do have a few pictures of Ella, but sadly far fewer than I have of Carson.

Enough Boring Talk, Let's Talk About Magic

Can you hear that? I think it's quite possibly a chorus of angels singing the praises of my new camera with it's glorious 8.0 Megapixels and 12x Optical Zoom. Alleluia! Alleluia! Alle-eh-luia!

Simply having this camera is definitely going to make me a better photographer. Surely my complete lack of natural photography abilities will be quickly remedied by gently pushing the picture-taker button. Aperture? Shutter speeds? Shadows? Rule of thirds? I'm certain this camera will magically make me just know what all of these things mean and thusly my pictures will become magical as well.

To prove my point, here is a picture I took with my old camera...

[picture removed]

See how Carson looks as if he's been drinking a few too many white russians? This is surely the fault of my old, inferior camera and cannot be attributed to my lack of photography skills.

Here are two photos that I took with my new, superior camera...

[pictures removed]

Huh? Huh? Is that the sound of oohs and aahs I'm hearing across the Internet? Impressive, no?

I'm already anticipating a clamoring for me and my magic camera's talents. The line forms....here.

T-E-Double N-E-Double S-Double E, Tennessee!

Go Vols!!! Roll over the Tide!!!

Click to hear "Rocky Top!"

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A Day Late and a Dollar Short

Yesterday, I saw that October 3 was The Great Mofo Delurk Day, but yesterday I'd already posted a heartfelt, honest, sappy-ass post, so yesterday I didn't want to mar it with a fun!, silly! delurking game.

It's the blogosphere people, an imaginary land with imaginary rules. I've decided that I can do the whole "delurking day" TODAY! And it's okay to break this imaginary "October the 3rd" delurking day rule!

(Breathe, Jennifer, breathe. It really is okay to break the rules. This is your blog, you can do whatever you want.)

Also I'm really pissed off at my husband right now, but trying NOT to blog about it. Sadly, this lame ass post is the best I could come up with in my I'm-gonna-strangle-my-husband mood.

So, if you're not a damn chicken bawker, delurk, won't you?

To make this interesting, lets have something to comment about. I mean, if anyone actually participates, it's going to be really dull to read "hi, I'm delurking" over and over again (although if all you want to write is "hi, I'm delurking," that's totally fine by me, remember these rules are imaginary.) I got this idea from Lena at The Cheeky Lotus.


1. Tell me the ONE thing that your husband, wife, partner, or significant other does that makes you want to strangle them. Or write a novel about it in the comments, imaginary rules, people, imaginary rules.

2. Favorite ice cream flavor

3. One man or woman on your "free-pass" list.

4. If you were to have another child, what name would you give them (boy and/or girl)? Edited to add: even if you're not having more kids, what would their names be? Merely choosing a name does not mean you have to have more children. At least I hope not.

Oh? It's my turn, already? Okay, here goes...

1. Strangle worthy...when Tate already knows I'm in a bad mood and am frag-ee-lay, yet chooses to push my every last button. That's all I'm saying right now, 'cause this could turn into a novel.

2. Cookies and Cream

3. Josh Duhamel, or McDreamy, or Antonio Sabato, Jr. (circa 1993). Oops that was three. See? I'm breaking my own imaginary rules. It's very freeing.

4. Boy-Carson, heh Girl-Emeline

Have fun, everyone. If you're a regular commenter, join the fun. This isn't just for delurkers, it's for everyone.

Seriously, play along. Puh-uh-lease. With sugar on top.

The One Where You All Were Matt Lauer and I Was Britney Spears (But Without the Gum Chewing)

I know, I know. I beg and plead for interview questions, then never bother posting the answers. Of course, I don't think that any of you are sitting at the edge of your seats, or anything, waiting for my answers. This is a ridiculously long post. Feel free to read over several days. Or just skip this post. I would understand [chokes back tears].

Your questions were really terrific, thanks so much for asking them. I've really enjoyed answering.

This first question is from Megan:

Just who do you think you are bossing us around? (in reference to my request for interview questions.)

I'm Jennifer, the Binky Bitch, that's who.

The following questions are from VDog:

Kara also asked this first question...

1. Why do you blog? And when do you find the time to blog? Does sleep win over blogging at some point (it often does with me)?

I wish my answer to why I blog had something to do with an insatiable urge to write and express my creativity. The true answer, though, is because I stay at home all day, rarely going anywhere, so it's my outlet to the rest of the world. I don't have time to blog, but I make time because it's something I've grown to love. Sleep often wins over blogging, although when I first started, I would get up at the crack of dawn to write. Now, I sleep for as long as I can since I'm up at some point most nights with Ella.

2. How has blogging changed you? Has your self-perception changed? (i.e., do you feel more confident as a person? Has your identity as a mom changed at all?)

Since blogging, I've become very outspoken and passionate about women's, specifically Mother's, issues. My self-perception has definitely changed. I was able to find my true self, the person I am in addition to being a Mother. I've said millions of times that blogging saved my sanity, because it truly did. I found a community of people who are just like me. It feels great to fit in somewhere.

3. How does your husband feel about your blogging? Does he read your blog?

Tate has a love/hate relationship with my blog. When I got the gig with MamaPop, he was so proud of me. His interest in my blog grew and he began reading it. Now that I'm no longer writing there, his interest has waned and I think he only occasionally reads me. He gets irritated by the amount of time I spend blogging, but he knows how happy it makes me so he tries to encourage it.

4. Do your friends know about your blog, and if they do, do they read it? How does it make you feel if they know about it, but don't read it? How about your family?

Everyone I know, knows about my blog. Some read it, some don't. Although I started this blog (under another name) in November 2006, I didn't tell people about it until February 2007.

5. What things are personally off-limits for blog material?

I try to never say something about a person on my blog that I wouldn't say to their face. I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to not degrade my poor husband. If I talk about IRL (in real life) friends, I try to keep their identities anonymous, unless they are fellow bloggers.

6. What would your dream playgroup be like? If it were a one-time only affair, how would you do it up? Babysitters? Bartender?? You get the idea.

Dream playgroup?? Hmm. There would be NO CHILDREN in attendance, open bar, thin thighs for all attendees, and the delicious food would be catered and calorie-free. Oh yes, our "playgroup" would also be in Hawaii.

From Phoenix:

1. Do you have siblings? Are they younger or older?

I have a brother who is seven years younger than me.

2. Is two it for you?

At 3 AM when Ella is awake for the 3rd time that night, I'm 100% sure that I'm finished having kids. When it's 1:30 PM and I've somehow managed to get both kids to nap, I think how nice it would be to have 3 kids.

Then I remember my kidney stones and colic and realize that 3 kids would probably send me to a mental institution. I'm not trying to be funny.

3. Last book you read that did not come from the preschool section of the house.

Little Bitty Lies, by Mary Kay Andrews. I don't recommend it. I still haven't read Harry Potter. I know, I'm the only one in the entire world.

4. Who the hell designed your header, cause I need them. I hate my site.

Izzy from Izzymom and Designs by Izzy designed my header. She did an amazing job, I love my header and template so much I want to maaaaarrrrrry it!!!

From Heather:

Why do you hang around friends who are obviously insane?

I wonder the same thing every, damn day. Just kidding. Smooches!

From Tommiea:

Do you miss working?

Yes, I do miss working for the most part. I miss the kids, I miss the adult interaction, I miss the challenge. I do not miss writing IEP's, dealing with lazy teachers (this is not a blanket statement about teachers, just a statement about several teachers I got stuck working with), and car duty. You have no idea how much car duty SUCKS ASS.

More from Kara:

1. Are you in a playgroup in Alabama? How many mom friends do you have IRL?
I was in a playgroup, it sort of imploded on itself. I have quite a few mom friends IRL, like Heather, Megan, Sara, and lots of friends back in Missouri. Many of the people I've met through blogging I feel like are my IRL friends, even if I haven't met them in person.

2. What makes your heart melt with love?

Whenever Carson and Ella interact, I could just cry. Carson is so sweet with his sister and Ella just beams whenever he's close-by. Ah, just thinking about it makes me weepy. Almost makes me want another one. Almost.

3. What makes you so angry you want to spit nails?

People who talk out of their ass really piss me off. Bill Maher comes to mind.

From Mrs. Flinger:

How did you meet your husband?

Tate and I met at my best friend from high school's wedding. He thought I was HAWT. I was.

From Annie:

When and why did you start your blog?

I started my blog in November under the name "What I Meant to Say Was..." In February I changed the name to "Playgroups are No Place For Children." This title came to me in the shower and made me laugh out loud.

I think I answered why above.

From Just my life:

What is the WORST thing you have found out about living in "Backwoods" AL? Or whats the worst thing about "Backwoods", AL?

Backwoods, AL is a fictional place, just for the record. This is the name I gave the town where my husband works. Shitty Town, AL is the name I've given the name of the town where I live.

The worst thing about these towns is their distance from family in Missouri.

From Nicole:

1. Where did you come up with the name of your blog? And, where did "Binky Bitch" come from?

I mentioned that I came up with the name in the shower a few questions back. I think this was around the time that Melissa Summers from Suburban Bliss was on the Today Show discussing drinking at playdates.

You can read the origins of Binky Bitch HERE.

2. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be (besides being a mom)?

I'd be a paid blogger.

Or I'd work in a preschool as an SLP with a caseload of 10 kids with Autism, co-treating kids with the OT and PT, setting up kids' days to promote communication.

3. If you had a whole day to yourself, no one else to bother you, what would your schedule look like?

First, I'd wake up whenever I felt like it, not as the ass-crack of dawn!!! I'd leisurely get ready, take the laptop, and go have lunch at Atlanta Bread Company. I'd come home whenever I felt like it, not because my boobs were getting ready to explode due to being away from my nursing baby!

Actually, I'm at Atlanta Bread Company right now, with the laptop, thinking I should go soon because my chest is growing more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

From Canape:

I would love to hear about college. Where you went, or what you studied, or your social scene.

I went to Southwest Missouri State University, now called Missouri State University. My original major was Elementary Education, but I decided I didn't really like kids. I switched my major to Communication Disorders (Speech-Language Pathology), determined to work with adults when I graduated. I made excellent grades, graduating Magna Cum Laude with my Bachelor's. I was only maybe .02 points away from Summa Cum Laude. I'm still kicking myself for the "B" I got in Poly Sci when I was a freshman. Two years later, I earned my Master's, moved to Knoxville, TN, and started a job working with children in an elementary school.

In college I was in a sorority, I drank alot, and kissed as many boys as I possibly could. I was always the first to pass-out, though, as I always ran out of steam around midnight. To this day, I'm really only friends with one person from the sorority and have lost contact with most of the other girls.

This concludes the longest post in history. If you are still reading, I applaud you. If not, then you'll never know that I called you a QUITTER.

QUITTER, QUITTER.

Smooches to those of you who persevered!!!

My Day in Numbers and It's Only 8:44 am

Time I was awakened: 5:30
Number of Children who woke up at 5:30: 2
Number of wipes I used on Carson's colossal crap: 11 (sorry, was that too much information!?)
Number of episodes of Hi-5 I've already watched: 3 (Send help, now!!)
Number of loads of laundry I've done: 2
Number of loads that need to be done: too numerous to count
How many more loads of laundry I can do before laundry detergent runs out: 0
Likelihood of making it to Sam's to buy more laundry detergent on a scale of 1-10: -20
How badly I need to vacuum and clean the bathrooms on a scale of 1-10: 3 trillion
Unread items in my Google Reader: 229
Number of blogs I'll actually have time to read today: 0
Number of blogs I'll probably end up reading: 229
Number of TV shows needed so that I can get in my blog reading: 13
Time I'm most looking forward to today: Wine:30

Duck! Here Come the Bullets!!

I have so many loose ends and half-finished posts and disjointed thoughts that I’m stealing the art of the bulleted post from Karly at Wiping Up Snot.

• Mrs. Flinger posted yesterday on a subject very near and dear to my heart. It was also the same topic that I had wanted to discuss today. Hot men!! Anyway, go tell her your top five men.
• I AM aware of the mother fricken, g*d darned problem many of you are having viewing my site through Internet Explorer. Since I’m nearly computer illiterate, I don’t know why. I hear viewing this site through Firefox or other browsers solves the problem. You can also press the back button or refresh the page, but DON’T MOVE THE BLOODY CURSOR UNTIL THE PAGE HAS FULLY LOADED or else. If anyone knows how to fix this problem, please tell me.
• Ella is twelve weeks old today!! I have not mentioned much about her lately so as not to jinx myself. I'm certainly not going to say anything now. Maybe when she's three, I'll tell you all about how at 9 weeks, she became the sweetest baby on the planet, with smiles that could melt you. I might even tell you that when we're in public, people are always saying what a good baby I have. But, for now, I'm not saying ANYTHING.
  
  
• Am I the only one with more than just a slight crush on Alton Brown? I can’t wait for his Feasting of Asphalt series to continue!!!
• You should go read this post from Mom 101. After reading it I wanted to shout "you go girl" and snap my fingers and move my head from side to side. She made me realize that as women and as writers, we should not allow ourselves to be used by advertisers (ie, google ads). We are worth so much more.
• I haven't mentioned my mental state after this post...I'm feeling much better. I'm certain that the Mini-Pill caused my sudden, uncontrollable despair. I suppose that my happier mood could be somewhat attributed to Ella's sweet disposition. But, I'm not saying ANYTHING about that.

I Went HogHer '07

Meeting Notes "Twitter style" from HogHer '07

Very important women and blogging issues discussed...

**Talk of pubic hair and bodily functions at dinner table makes Sara nervous. See picture below.

**Discussion of attending next year's BlogHer conference...hope it will be in Mobile. But would take Atlanta. Actually location doesn't matter.

**Purchasing a jumbo drink at the movie theatre is the same as a free pass to see as many movies as you'd like. This info courtesy of Megan at Velveteen Mind. This, too, makes Sara nervous.

**Downloading movies off the Internet, even before their release, DOES NOT make Sara nervous....interesting. Very interesting...

**Tate would like to have a third child. Tate may need to find new wife.

**Having a third child would mess with a family's ability to ride roller coasters. Someone would have to ride with Mom and apparently this is not cool. And a very important reason NOT to have a third child.

**Sara reports that she is the poster child as to why not to have three children.

**Heather reports that there was no alcohol in the strawberry margaritas. This is a damn shame.

**Megan and I agree that the margaritas are not giving us any sort of buzz or warmth whatsoever.

**Decide that HogHer '07 should happen much more frequently, possibly without being such Hogs.



From left to right...Megan, Me, Heather, Sara

The title "HogHer '07" courtesy of Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake!

Prepare to be Impressed at My Multitasking Skillz

Yesterday, I needed to use the restroom and take care of some *ahem* business. Of course, I had an entourage, as Moms do when they go to the facilities. Carson playing in the cupboards, Ella on the bathmat (where else are you supposed to put the infant in the bathroom?), and my two dogs all gathered together for my trip to the Superbowl.

Unfortunately for Carson, I was taking too long (dammit if I missed a few doses of Colace). He wanted me sing songs.

So there I sat perched on the pot, singing songs for my audience.

The ants go marching one by one HURRAH! HURRAH!.... The wheels on the bus go round and round... This old man, he played one, he played knick knack on my thumb...Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man...

(Yes, I really DID have to sing that many songs.)

I believe that I have truly become a multitasking extraordinaire, especially so since I'm a Mom of two.

You're impressed, I can tell.

I Think I Can Convince You That You are Better Off Being Home Than in Chicago

So, I'm not at BlogHer today like many of the coolest people I know. One of those whooping it up in Chicago is Izzy from IzzyMom. She asked me to blogsit, so if you don't mind, clink on this here link and come visit me. I'll give you all the reasons that being home really is better than being in Chicago.

See you at Izzy's!

Perception

When I look at my little girl, I see a very serious child. Her scowl lends to her contemplative demeanor.

I wonder if she will continue to be a serious child. Is my perception of her, the true Shel?

I hope for her sake that she won't take life and herself too seriously. It has taken me years to loosen up, go with the flow and enjoy life. In the past, anger, resentment, and a chip on my shoulder clouded my attitude.

Was my "bad ass" attitude how other's perceived me? Or was I able to play a nicer part in from of others rather than letting people know the real me?

How am I perceived now? In my blog I can be whomever I wish to be. I see myself as being friendly and outgoing. Sometimes I'm funny, sometimes I am melancholy.

But is my blog persona who I am in real life? I think the answer is mostly "yes!" I've recently been more honest about the real me than I've ever been on my blog. I think I am friendly (much more so than I have ever been), but I wouldn't describe myself as outgoing at all.

You should see me in new situations. I have no idea what to say. Approaching someone new and introducing myself is something I force myself to do, it does not come naturally.

This is probably one of the reasons I like blogging so much. I can be the person I want to be, outgoing, easily meeting new friends, making people giggle, having a conversation. I think it's helping me to actually become more of the way I perceive myself.

Are you the same person in real life that you are on your blog?

If You Give my Toddler a Blackberry-PDA Edition

Back by popular demand! Actually I just stole the idea from your comments on this post. What can I say, I'm a thief. You wanna scuffle or something?

**********

If you give my toddler a Blackberry, he will promptly lose it in his sea of toys when he's improperly supervised.

If he loses the Blackberry, then you will have to call it so that you can find it.

If you try to call the Blackberry, then you will realize that either the battery is dead or the ringer is off because it doesn't ring when you call it.

When you realize it's really lost, then you will yell a few choice cuss words.

If you yell cuss words, then your toddler will hear you.

If your toddler hears you, then he will repeat them, word for glorious word.

If he repeats those choice cuss words, then he'll only use his new found words once he has somehow found the phone and magically dialed your husband's boss.

Think you can do better? Yes, I think so, too. Rewrite my post at your blog and I'll link you up. Email me a playgroupie@yahoo.com when your post is up. You have until next Wednesday, June 20. I'll post a link to all the entries. You don't actually win anything, you just get to say that you did a better job than me. That's worth something I think!

*******

You want to know more about my boobs? Sure you do! Check out my review over at Suburban Reviews today on breast pads. I've even posted another picture of Peanut over there. Now if that's not a reason to click on over, I don't know what one is.

David Letterman Paid Me a Visit

Top Ten things I've learned since becoming a Mother (especially a Mother of more than one!)... (I probably should compile a list of 1,000,000 things I've learned, but ten seems much more manageable!)

1. Assvice=Bad, Advice from great friends in the blogosphere=Good

2. Even I can watch Hi-5 if it means that I can have 20 more minutes of peace and quiet for blogging cleaning.

3. You can never watch too many episodes of Blue's Clues (please refer to #2)

4. The pediatrician doesn't know your child like you do. You don't need their permission, you don't have to follow their parenting advice, you must demand more of their time if they don't give your child what he/she needs.

5. Microwave meals are not evil. Dry and not as tasty as home cooked, but nourishment, nonetheless. Sandwiches also count as a full meal.

6. Showering at night means you at least get a shower.

7. Shaving is highly overrated. So is make-up. So are hair dryers. And nail polish.

8. It's okay if your toddler has only jelly for breakfast and ketchup for lunch.

9. There's nothing wrong with wearing pajamas all day. It's better than going naked when there is no laundry clean.

10. All baby clothes should have crotch snaps. The ones that don't have snaps make excellent dust rags.

In Memoriam...A View of Summer TV

I hate to admit that I watch a lot of TV. A whole very lot, way too much, what the hell else am I supposed to do when I rarely go anywhere amount of TV.

Back in the good ol' days of summer, when summer vacation was fun because it was YOU on break, summer TV was great. Sure it was nothing but reruns all summer long, but it gave you a chance to catch up on shows you missed.

Now summertime TV is filled with nothing but the rejects, or the shows that would never make it in the fall lineup. Unfortunately, for a less than excited about reality TV gal, we get gems such as "So You Think You Can Dance?," "America's Got Talent," "Age of Love." and "Pirate Master." Seriously, I can't stomach watching shows where people have NO talent and they aren't even funny, they're just painful to watch. At least with those first episodes of "American Idol," you can laugh at the people who are convinced of their star-making talent. And the pirate show? I get that they are riding the coattails of the popularity of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, but I'm just not interested. Not even for a little peak.

I do, however, like some reality TV. Can I explain to you in words just how thrilled I am at the genius of MTV for returning the Vegas cast to the Palms for another season? Sure they are only going to be there two weeks, but in that time all sorts of fun can ensue. If only "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" had summer seasons. But alas, they don't, and I mourn.

On a very emotional note, I would like us all to pause for the passing of my dear, dear friends, The Sopranos. Pausing.......

Tonight marks the end of what I have thought for years was the best show evah! Sure they made me wait EONS between seasons. Sure I have been tortured through many a boring or WTF? episode. Sure they are very, very bad people. But I love them and I will miss them. When Tony dies tonight, which I'm sure he will, I will cry like a big sissy.

Arrividerci "The Sopranos". You will be missed.

As will all the good regular season programming. Can't wait 'til fall when we are freed from all the reject shows.

You Can't Say I Don't Know How to Party

I bet you're dying to know the fun that ensued here at the house of Playgroupie this past holiday weekend. Sure, it's usually a weekend of honoring veterans, fun and sun, and bar-b-ques. We decided to be unique and have our own fun.

No, we are not mature. We looked up "dirty" words at thefreedictionary.com. What fun it is to hear the computer pronounce words like ass, slut, butt, whore, and poop. Fifth graders around the nation would have loved this!

Yes, we're giant nerds. We also spent lots of time at Terra Server, looking up every single address where we've ever lived. Hours and hours of fun. Dungeon masters around the nation would have loved this!

We have deep thoughts. While eating at Sonic, we noticed their slogan...America's favorite drive-in. This led us to wonder, are their any Sonic's in Canada, the U.K., or Australia? Internets...help us with this very important question!

When there's nothing on TV, leave it to the Style Network to have and Extreme Makeover marathon! Neon white teeth, new boobs, laser zit removal and amazing transformations! Woo hoo!

While listening to our CD's on "random", we came to the realization that our music is completely inappropriate for a home with small children. "God Damn" by Alice in Chains or anything by Rage Against the Machine is not the best choice of music for a mimic-happy 19 month old. But, listening to the Sesame Street CD is completely inappropriate for weary parents of a 19 month old tantrum happy boy and a COLICKY baby.

That's right, you didn't misread. Colic. Mother f*cker. More on that tomorrow...I'm currently trying to decrease the number of "f" words in the post to make it somewhat more reader friendly.

And last, but not least...Have any of you seen the show, Scarred on MTV? If not, don't start. If you have, what on Earth are those people thinking? It was such a sick show, I wanted to look away, I really did...but I COULDN'T. I still have the heebie jeebies.

Hope you all had a more exciting weekend than us.

Taking Care of Business

Wow. I'm going to have a baby tomorrow.

What an odd thing to type. I KNOW it's happening, but I can't seem to fully wrap my mind around this whole inevitable, life changing, frightening event.

Wow.

I've got a lot of business to take care of that I keep forgetting to post about so here goes...

Please don't forget about me while I'm gone, lost in a fog of sleeplessness and booby juice. I'm going to miss having time to fart around on the computer, reading all your blogs, having you all read mine, and commenting!

I've been voting for all of you at the Blogger's Choice Awards under the name Jenleah. It's a very tedious process, as you know, so I'm still working my way through the categories.

I'll keep everyone posted as soon as I can with a picture of my sweet, new baby girl. And, we'll hopefully have a winner in her naming contest. (I'm predicting 5 lbs, 9 oz, 19 inches. Tate has guessed 5 lbs, 7 oz, 20 inches. And no, our votes don't count in the contest!) Go vote right this instant if you haven't already. I mean it! I'll wait. Go ahead.

Are you done voting now? Okay, back to the business at hand.

I have been rejected by a lot of blog promoting websites. Assholes. The most recent rejection was apparently because my blog is PORNOGRAPHIC. I guess they didn't approve of my recent discussion of Vulvas or limp dicks.

I'm thinking of switching my blog over to Wordpress. Obviously, I won't be doing this right away. However, I'm such a giant computer idiot. You gotta do something special to get widgets at Wordpress, I'm so FREAKING confused. Blogger is so simple to use! And, I'm overwhelmed at the thought of trying to switch all my blogging affiliations (My Blog Log, Blogger Chicks...) to a new url.

Yeah, so, uh...I'm going to go have a baby. Again, don't forget about me, do I sound desperate?

Bye for now, Friends!

(Don't forget about me, k?)

The What If Factor

Have you ever considered all the what ifs in life? I don't necessarily mean the regrets we all likely have. Instead, I mean those things that could be called fate, predestination, divine intervention. Do you remember the Gywneth Paltrow moving, Sliding Doors? I loved the premise of how chance occurrences shape the outcomes.

What if the circumstances of how you met your spouse were altered? For me, what if my best high school friend, LL, had asked someone else to be a bridesmaid in her wedding? I most likely would have left her reception early and not had the liquid courage to go up to Tate and talk to him. He lived in Tennessee when we met, I lived in Missouri. The likelihood of us meeting any other time was highly unlikely.

Of course, I could reach even further into my past and ask what if I'd never met LL? Maybe my Dad would have taken a job in say, Little Rock, Arkansas instead of Springfield, MO. No LL, no Tate.

Whatever you call it, fate, divine intervention...I know that I'm lucky to have met Tate. Although I may sometimes portray him as being an oaf, he's a good person who loves me. And I love him.

Without Tate, I wouldn't have Peanut or Petunia. What if a different sperm had fertilized my egg, or I'd gotten pregnant during a different month? Peanut wouldn't be Peanut. He might be Sally. Or Bruiser. I'd like to believe that THE Peanut was meant to be my son. I can't imagine being someone else's Mother.

What if I'd married my high school sweetheart? Would I have gone to college? That is doubtful, as his parents were encouraging me to put off school until he was done. I wonder what my life would be like had I not broken up with him. No regrets, just a curiosity.

What if I'd married the guy I dated in college? Would I be living in Cincinnati, dealing with a very immature man? Would we have had children? What a poor decision this would have been.

There are so many possibilities as to how our past has determined our current reality. Each step taken, road traveled, decision made, wrong turn, inconvenience, has guided us here, to now, our reality. Those same factors and possibilities will determine what lies ahead.

I don't think I'd ask for an alternate reality. I'm happy. Right here.

I have a brain cramp now.

It's Pure Randomonium

I have a love/hate relationship with "What Not to Wear." Love the advice on right styles for my body type. Love seeing the end results. Hate that Stacy and Clinton do not have a clue what life outside of NYC is like. Hate their unrealistic expectations of how much is acceptable to spend on clothes with a very tight budget.

Peanut is learning to blow on foods when they're hot, it's the cutest damn thing I've ever seen.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow with someone new. I fear this could end badly.

There are so many blogs to read and discover, there are not nearly enough hours in the day.

We "gain" an hour this weekend. Those of us with children know that we won't be getting this luxury.
Correction...in the middle of the night, I realized what Swistle was saying. We actually lose an hour. I'm time change impaired. Oopsy daisy.

I cannot resist macaroni and cheese.

Pampers Baby-Dry are the most irritating diapers...they make Peanut look like he has elephantitis of the balls after just one or two tinkles.

Did they really use a dunce cap for ornery rapscallions in schools in the past?

I wonder if the Dugger family is really that happy and organized.

My dog Murphy has run away several times in the past few weeks. I fear that she's hanging with the wrong crowd, drinking, smoking, having sex... I hope I can do a better job of raising Petunia.

I said "dammit" rather loudly yesterday at Walmart due to being out of yet another necessary staple (crunchy Peanut butter for Tate, shredded swiss cheese, roasted red pepper hummus). A man overheard me and looked at me like I'd just screamed "f*ck, this shittin' place doesn't have what I f*cking want." I think "dammit" is rather mild.

SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT Please tell me what Peanut is thinking in this picture. Leave your idea in the comments section!

[picture removed]

My guess is that he's thinking "This broad calls herself a Mom?"

Please leave those ideas in the comments section! Or leave your own random thoughts! Or just leave me a comment! Or email me! Or send me some mac-n-cheese!